🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit on Nostr: My mom has smoked cigarettes for too many years and now she's running out of time. ...

My mom has smoked cigarettes for too many years and now she's running out of time.

She also quit cigarettes in the past and started smoking again as a punishment for me and the abusive guy she made me spend a lot of my childhood with who wasn't my dad. For something he did that I participated in as a kid, don't remember what, probably an argument about politics or something.

Restarting cigarettes is a pretty psychotic punishment and really makes me not want to offer much comfort in her final years.

I also just don't have the mental bandwidth to process worrying about her dying while I don't know if Digit is alive. Digit might have committed suicide BECAUSE OF ME, it might be my fucking fault, failures that were actually mine as an adult, not some psycho committing suicide to punish me for nothing as a kid.

I also understand that when parents die, we regret not being better kids for them, or being there for them more. I know that's going to fuck me up for the rest of my life, but I still DON'T HAVE the bandwidth to do anything about it while I don't know if Digit is alive. I cannot make myself be nice to my mom all the time or stop myself from cursing and yelling at her, and I cannot stop myself from being fucked up for the rest of my life knowing how much of a failure I am.

I'm not asking for advice, you cannot help me if you cannot prove Digit is alive. The only useful purpose this post could serve is if it impacts how many cigarettes someone smokes, but I doubt that will happen because generally I just yell into the void, no one listens to me, and there is no useful purpose to me trying to talk.