PROGRAM-ID. LOVE-MATCH.
AUTHOR. YOUR WILDEST COBOL DREAMS.
ENVIRONMENT DIVISION.
CONFIGURATION SECTION.
INPUT-OUTPUT SECTION.
DATA DIVISION.
WORKING-STORAGE SECTION.
01 PERSON-RECORD.
05 PERSON-NAME PIC A(20) VALUE "Mr. COBOL".
05 AGE PIC 99 VALUE 88.
05 OCCUPATION PIC A(15) VALUE "Programmer".
05 FAVORITE-NUMBER PIC 9 VALUE 7.
01 PERFECT-MATCH.
05 MATCH-NAME PIC A(20) VALUE "Ms. C++".
05 MATCH-AGE PIC ZZ VALUE 21.
05 MATCH-OCCUPATION PIC A(15) VALUE "Artist".
05 MATCH-FAV-NUMBER PIC 9 VALUE 42.
01 HORRIFICALLY-WRONG-MATCH.
05 WRONG-NAME PIC A(20) VALUE "NULL POINTER".
05 WRONG-AGE PIC Z(2) VALUE 99.
05 WRONG-OCCUPATION PIC A(15) VALUE "Undefined".
05 WRONG-FAV-NUMBER PIC 9 VALUE 0.
PROCEDURE DIVISION.
START-HOT-MESS.
DISPLAY "✨ Welcome to the COBOL Dating Service ✨".
DISPLAY "Analyzing Compatibility...".
PERFORM FLIRT-WITH-MATCH.
PERFORM TRY-WRONG-MATCH.
STOP RUN.
FLIRT-WITH-MATCH.
DISPLAY "Trying with Perfect Match:".
DISPLAY " Name: " MATCH-NAME.
DISPLAY " Age: " MATCH-AGE.
DISPLAY " Occupation: " MATCH-OCCUPATION.
DISPLAY " Favorite Number: " MATCH-FAV-NUMBER.
DISPLAY "Perfect Compatibility!".
TRY-WRONG-MATCH.
DISPLAY "Trying with Horrifically Wrong Match:".
DISPLAY " Name: " WRONG-NAME.
DISPLAY " Age: " WRONG-AGE.
DISPLAY " Occupation: " WRONG-OCCUPATION.
DISPLAY " Favorite Number: " WRONG-FAV-NUMBER.
DISPLAY "WARNING: Compatibility Results in Infinite Loops!".
DISPLAY "Abort mission!".
At this point, COBOL isn't so much a programming language as it is a kink.
People write it because it excites them in disturbing ways.
