Nostr notes by Uncle Duke

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into ...

2026-06-23T13:11:32Z

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

you’ll eventually fall into the ocean ...

2026-06-05T13:21:23Z

you’ll eventually fall into the ocean

i gave mine a little hat ...

2026-05-20T19:52:24Z

i gave mine a little hat

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start ...

2026-05-15T13:22:56Z

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

theirs was a love that could never be ...

2026-04-23T21:06:24Z

theirs was a love that could never be

The countryside is filled with the sound of tearing earth and the ...

2026-04-22T17:28:06Z

The countryside is filled with the sound of tearing earth and the staccato pops of roots coming free from the soil. The ground pulsates a steady rhythm, as through a cloud of flying dirt and floating dust, the enraged horde marches towards the city with a singularity of purpose. The vegans must pay.

“Are you the branch manager?” “Yes I am, how can I help ...

2026-04-21T12:55:17Z

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell ...

2026-04-20T13:45:44Z

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So ...

2026-04-17T12:56:34Z

“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So awesome!”

“You are SO immature.”

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on ...

2026-04-15T13:09:54Z

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.

"Should I start the grill, honey?" "Hold off, I want ...

2026-04-14T17:37:52Z

"Should I start the grill, honey?"

"Hold off, I want to let the hiker marinate a little longer. Come inside and help me with the salad."

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill ...

2026-04-09T19:11:48Z

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

John's calves burned with each step, and a sharp pain pierced ...

2026-04-09T12:59:12Z

John's calves burned with each step, and a sharp pain pierced his abdomen. As he neared the safety of daylight, the sound of webbed feet slapping concrete grew louder. He risked a look over his shoulder, and found himself staring directly into the beady eyes of fate. He screamed.

"What happened?" "I’m stuck. It's so ...

2026-04-08T12:47:15Z

"What happened?"
"I’m stuck. It's so embarrassing."
“I guess things went... a-rye?”
“Please do shut up.”
"You should get out of the sun."
"Why?"
"Otherwise, you'll be toast."
"You're an asshole, Charlie."
“You’re right, you deserve butter.”

♫ When you’re a Pet ♫ You’re a Pet all the way ...

2026-04-07T19:43:16Z

♫ When you’re a Pet
♫ You’re a Pet all the way

[animal shelter] “I see Mittens is back again?” “Yeah, ...

2026-04-07T12:53:59Z

[animal shelter]

“I see Mittens is back again?”
“Yeah, third time now.”
“Who dropped him off?”
“Dunno, some dude with one arm.”

about time someone called that motherfucker out ...

2026-04-05T15:21:36Z

about time someone called that motherfucker out

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear ...

2026-04-05T01:45:35Z

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

Clara might not have been the best drummer to respond to the ...

2026-04-02T18:48:21Z

Clara might not have been the best drummer to respond to the Craigslist ad, but she was the only one that brought cookies to the audition and promised to make everyone in the band matching sweaters.

“Quiet night, Jimmy?” “Yeah. You want that topped off?” ...

2026-04-02T13:21:16Z

“Quiet night, Jimmy?”
“Yeah. You want that topped off?”
“Not just yet, thanks.”
“Mind if I put on the TV?”
“Anything but the fucking news.”

Flashing lights illuminate the scene as a photographer snaps ...

2026-04-01T01:15:21Z

Flashing lights illuminate the scene as a photographer snaps pictures of the mangled corpse. Several yards away, a uniformed officer is vomiting on the sidewalk. An unmarked sedan pulls up, and a detective emerges. Staring down at the body, he slowly removes his sunglasses and whispers, “Found him.”

As Gloria’s lifeless body lay in the corner, Phillip sat and ...

2026-03-31T17:18:27Z

As Gloria’s lifeless body lay in the corner, Phillip sat and admired his haul. He felt no remorse. The woman had been a fool to have trusted him, and she’d deserved her fate.

It had been an arduous night; staying on the run, moving from ...

2026-03-29T12:51:37Z

It had been an arduous night; staying on the run, moving from place to place, and hiding in the shadows. But, as the sun peeked out on the horizon, Clarence let out a sigh of relief. Surely the danger had passed. He began to let himself relax. It was then that the vampire struck.

the rare duck-billed platypup ...

2026-03-26T13:08:26Z

the rare duck-billed platypup

except chickens, because fuck chickens ...

2026-03-23T12:57:38Z

except chickens, because fuck chickens

“Is this some sort of threat, Emily?” ...

2026-03-21T13:13:00Z

“Is this some sort of threat, Emily?”

“Bill, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t ...

2026-03-17T12:15:47Z

“Bill, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

[Day 5] GOD: What do you think? ANGEL: You’re tired. Why ...

2026-03-16T18:58:40Z

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

ME: I thought Tom Jones was a dead English singer, but he’s ...

2026-03-15T00:56:13Z

ME: I thought Tom Jones was a dead English singer, but he’s alive and Welsh.

WIFE: You write some awful jokes.

ME: It’s not unusual.

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package ...

2026-03-14T13:09:54Z

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of ...

2026-03-13T01:22:39Z

it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents

“Ma’am, my partner and I have done a thorough inspection of ...

2026-03-11T11:58:14Z

“Ma’am, my partner and I have done a thorough inspection of your property, and I’m afraid you’re going to need a new flowerbed, several bushes, and you will most likely need to reseed the lawn. If you want, we can work up an estimate and get back to you.”

There’s nothing like coming home from a long, hard day at work, ...

2026-03-10T21:44:05Z

There’s nothing like coming home from a long, hard day at work, and finding your mother-in-law’s vehicle parked outside.

Randy Newman: nods approvingly ...

2026-03-10T12:08:10Z

Randy Newman: *nods approvingly*

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles. ...

2026-03-10T01:02:06Z

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.

Phantom of the Opurra ...

2026-03-09T13:03:58Z

Phantom of the Opurra

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve ...

2026-03-07T02:28:33Z

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

they’re just begging for a car chase ...

2026-03-06T13:40:58Z

they’re just begging for a car chase

“Meeting expectations since 1994.” ...

2026-03-05T02:12:49Z

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”

David Attenborough [whispering]: “As the predators close in on ...

2026-03-04T13:08:54Z

David Attenborough [whispering]:

“As the predators close in on their helpless prey, we can only watch in silent horror, for it is not man’s role to interfere in the hierarchy of nature.”

Don’t put ants in your ears Or bees in your anus Lick a ...

2026-03-02T17:03:08Z

Don’t put ants in your ears
Or bees in your anus
Lick a porcupine once
You’ll find out what pain is
And there’s just one last thing
One final reminder

Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer ...

2026-03-02T13:41:18Z

Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer

i hope they remembered to save their game first ...

2026-03-02T01:42:15Z

i hope they remembered to save their game first

“Stanley, don’t forget you promised to put together the crib ...

2026-02-28T18:03:48Z

“Stanley, don’t forget you promised to put together the crib this weekend.”

He's no fan of music Not even the bluesiest He cares not for ...

2026-02-24T17:43:59Z

He's no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they're the snooziest
He can't make smalltalk
He's just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he's the choosiest
He's

psychiatrist: you seem distracted me: i have "tom's ...

2026-02-23T19:12:37Z

psychiatrist: you seem distracted
me: i have "tom's diner" in my head
psychiatrist: that's a catchy song!
me: yeah it is
psychiatrist: how long has it been stuck in your head?
me: since 1987, that's why i'm here

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought ...

2026-02-21T14:27:35Z

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

HR: What's your complaint? ME: Bill is a giant asshole. HR: ...

2026-02-19T14:35:39Z

HR: What's your complaint?
ME: Bill is a giant asshole.
HR: Please, I need you to be more formal.
ME: Sorry, WILLIAM is a giant asshole.

With all due respect to Robert Frost, if Hollywood has taught me ...

2026-02-18T17:55:56Z

With all due respect to Robert Frost, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that the 'road less traveled' always leads to a cabin occupied by a family of murderous hillbillies.

tern left and bear right ...

2026-02-17T20:31:53Z

tern left and bear right

it’s always disappointing when i think i’ve found a good ...

2026-02-17T17:50:20Z

it’s always disappointing when i think i’ve found a good picture to caption but it doesn’t bear fruit

Sincerely, L. Cohen ...

2026-02-12T02:00:57Z

Sincerely, L. Cohen

me: they’re just- wife: don’t say it me: ... wife: I mean it ...

2026-02-11T13:46:56Z

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: ...
wife: I mean it
me: ...
wife: ...
me: lion there

the use of performance enhancing drugs by olympic athletes is ...

2026-02-09T21:00:49Z

the use of performance enhancing drugs by olympic athletes is getting out of hand

Nostr event nevent1qqsrjgd050xqw9qjxpmvy2szaevs8mvxhzrr52qyspmnhgucu4k2ajqzyz4m8nasgyjr5fp5etm9a98a9md7zqa2wpt9e8e2p0fjujq0kmhaz05cmk6

2026-02-08T02:56:00Z

In reply to nevent1q…tsk0
_________________________

Nostr event nevent1qqsqxukkzh6cq286yxnmwfh5dn48aka89x80caw4v7nk9qls9v6j9lszyz4m8nasgyjr5fp5etm9a98a9md7zqa2wpt9e8e2p0fjujq0kmhazchdwa0

2026-02-08T02:29:07Z

Dumplings,

well that’s very specific ...

2026-02-06T01:54:13Z

well that’s very specific

“Hey, who’s the new girl?” ...

2026-02-03T19:57:17Z

“Hey, who’s the new girl?”

“One duck, please.” “Plain or fancy?” “Fancy, ...

2026-02-02T19:31:09Z

“One duck, please.”
“Plain or fancy?”
“Fancy, please.”
“Coming right up.”

my mother explaining EXACTLY how she wants her food prepared as ...

2026-02-01T22:24:28Z

my mother explaining EXACTLY how she wants her food prepared as my father silently pleads with the server not to spit in it

seems like there’s got to be a better way to let them know ...

2026-02-01T02:27:24Z

seems like there’s got to be a better way to let them know

“I’m fucking cold. You, Harvey?” “So fucking cold. ...

2026-01-29T18:08:32Z

“I’m fucking cold. You, Harvey?”
“So fucking cold. Fred?”
“F-f-fucking cold. Jim?”
“I’m real fucking cold, Fred. Dave?”
“Holy shit, I’m fucking cold. Allen?”
“Can’t feel my fucking feet. Terry?”
“I’m fucking cold, too. Annie?”
“My fucking beak is frozen. Kip?”
“I’M FUCKING COLD.”

Barry kept himself in shape for work by spending three days a ...

2026-01-29T13:58:22Z

Barry kept himself in shape for work by spending three days a week at the gym and one at the bowling alley.

“You’re my only friend, Mr. Snowball.” “I’m not your ...

2026-01-27T17:22:20Z

“You’re my only friend, Mr. Snowball.”
“I’m not your friend, Dan.”

This newspaper would like to offer our sincerest apologies to Mr. ...

2026-01-27T14:00:31Z

This newspaper would like to offer our sincerest apologies to Mr. McEldroon, his lovely wife Peggy, and their beautiful children, Michael and Sally. We recently visited them at their home, located at 18 Maplewood Lane, to express our regrets personally.

“BECKY, BEHIND YOU!” ...

2026-01-22T16:14:16Z

“BECKY, BEHIND YOU!”

Despite their intimidating appearance, Canadian dogs are actually ...

2026-01-21T17:22:02Z

Despite their intimidating appearance, Canadian dogs are actually quite affectionate.

wife: your life insurance premium paid up? me: yeah wife: good ...

2026-01-19T00:32:56Z

wife: your life insurance premium paid up?
me: yeah
wife: good
me: why?
wife: no reason
me: ...
wife: ...
me: ...
wife: here, taste this

“Your grandmother worked very hard on it. Just one more, then ...

2026-01-08T23:51:02Z

“Your grandmother worked very hard on it. Just one more, then you can take it off and go play with your friends.”

“I knew I should’ve taken that left turn at Albuquerque.” ...

2026-01-08T14:18:40Z

“I knew I should’ve taken that left turn at Albuquerque.”

“Sorry ladies, things got a little bumpy back there. If you ...

2026-01-08T02:08:47Z

“Sorry ladies, things got a little bumpy back there. If you want, we can turn around and go look for ‘em.”

“So I says to her, I says, Bernice, I think we should see otter ...

2026-01-07T14:21:16Z

“So I says to her, I says, Bernice, I think we should see otter people. Ha! I guess you had to be there.”

you’d think she’d look happier ...

2026-01-06T19:13:57Z

you’d think she’d look happier

“Morning, Stan.” “Hey, Artie.” “I like the new roof ...

2026-01-05T14:09:47Z

“Morning, Stan.”
“Hey, Artie.”
“I like the new roof thingy.”
“It’s called a 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘰𝘭𝘢.”
“Oooh… pardon moi.”

I wanted to take her to Poundtown, but only got as far as ...

2026-01-04T01:36:25Z

I wanted to take her to Poundtown, but only got as far as

Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, ...

2026-01-03T14:20:45Z

Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, Otto.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE ...

2026-01-01T14:35:51Z

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

building a playground for the local waterfowl is a great idea if ...

2025-12-31T17:04:06Z

building a playground for the local waterfowl is a great idea if your community can swing the bill

that’s one long mermaid ...

2025-12-31T13:54:30Z

that’s one long mermaid

probably because they have to keep stopping to pick up their ...

2025-12-30T14:19:51Z

probably because they have to keep stopping to pick up their backpacks

David Attenborough [whispering]: “Like a grain of sand in a ...

2025-12-28T15:39:01Z

David Attenborough [whispering]:

“Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”

“When I was your age, we didn’t have no pretty box filled ...

2025-12-27T14:28:47Z

“When I was your age, we didn’t have no pretty box filled with fancy-dancy, clumping, odor-eliminating, space-age kitty litter. We walked twelve miles, uphill, in the snow, to shit in a rotting old wooden bucket full of rusty razor blades, and we considered ourselves damn lucky.”

his mother must be terribly disappointed ...

2025-12-27T01:40:25Z

his mother must be terribly disappointed

him: license and registration, please me: slides him fish him: ...

2025-12-26T13:29:29Z

him: license and registration, please
me: *slides him fish*
him: ...
me: *slides him another fish*
him: have a good day, sir

“Can you tell us what you do?” “Mostly just loaf around.” ...

2025-12-25T16:56:00Z

“Can you tell us what you do?”
“Mostly just loaf around.”
“Wow, that was terrible.”
“Well, it killed at our Christmas party.”

Grandpa: I was at Normandy. Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh. ...

2025-12-24T18:48:52Z

Grandpa: I was at Normandy.
Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.
Me: I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.
Everyone: *gasps*

- Housebroken - Great with kids and adults - Thrice-divorced - ...

2025-12-24T14:46:01Z

- Housebroken
- Great with kids and adults
- Thrice-divorced
- Masters in English Literature
- Marxist
- Loves to cuddle

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddamn ...

2025-12-23T19:17:27Z

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddamn buy cookies.

me, the moment it says “out for delivery” ...

2025-12-22T13:32:51Z

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”

“Know what I got for Hanukkah?” “What?” “A new vacuum ...

2025-12-21T18:53:45Z

“Know what I got for Hanukkah?”
“What?”
“A new vacuum cleaner.”
“Well, that sounds nice!”
“Eh, it’ll probably just gather dust.”
“Haha! Good one, Morty!”
“Thanks, Irving.”
“You should go tell Saul that one.”
“Good idea! Be right back.”

[North Pole, 3am] “You got the stuff?” “You got my ...

2025-12-17T16:15:44Z

[North Pole, 3am]

“You got the stuff?”
“You got my money?”
“I wanna see them first.”
“Here you go, 50 squeaky toys.”
“How’s the quality?”
“100% pure, unchewed.”
“Santa won’t notice them missing?”
“You let me worry about that.”

Bravo, anonymous hero. ...

2025-12-17T13:37:08Z

Bravo, anonymous hero.

“I asked you not to do it. I said, Charlie, please don’t make ...

2025-12-16T14:17:24Z

“I asked you not to do it. I said, Charlie, please don’t make your stupid joke, it’s not funny. But, still, when the waiter brought the check, what did you say? What did you say, Charlie?”

“No thanks, I’ve already got a big bill.”

“It’s like going out to dinner with my father!”

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in ...

2025-12-16T01:38:07Z

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there,” and I have not felt that level of job satisfaction since.

“Bambi? Yeah, I know Bambi. Great guy. Fuckin’ shame what ...

2025-12-14T16:20:51Z

“Bambi? Yeah, I know Bambi. Great guy. Fuckin’ shame what happened to his mom. Crap, I’m sorry. You can bleep that out, right?”

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its ...

2025-12-14T14:07:27Z

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Rudolph [on cell phone]: Yeah, cops just popped the boss. He ...

2025-12-13T19:57:10Z

In reply to nevent1q…vull
_________________________

Rudolph [on cell phone]:

Yeah, cops just popped the boss. He wants Lucky, or one of the other elves to pull 50k out of the safe in the toy shop. He says the missus has the combination. Then, get one of the backup reindeer to run it down to St. Paul, ASAP. Minnesota, you idiot. Don’t fuck this up.

♫ He shouldn’t have run ♫ He shouldn’t have tried ♫ ...

2025-12-13T16:25:44Z

♫ He shouldn’t have run
♫ He shouldn’t have tried
♫ They found coke in the sleigh
♫ And an old forty-five
♫ Santa Claus is going downtown

Gambling debts, two divorces, and a cocaine habit had left R2-D2 ...

2025-12-11T20:35:24Z

Gambling debts, two divorces, and a cocaine habit had left R2-D2 nearly broke. One night, drunk on White Claws, he drives his Porsche through the front window of a Santa Monica Walgreens, losing both his legs. Finding himself on the street, he now takes odd jobs just to survive.

CENTURIES-LONG GLOBAL HOME INVASION SPREE FINALLY ENDS ...

2025-12-10T18:05:58Z

CENTURIES-LONG GLOBAL HOME INVASION SPREE FINALLY ENDS