Nostr notes by DocAtCDI

I've just broken up with my gym. We just weren't working ...

2026-05-04T18:37:10Z

I've just broken up with my gym.

We just weren't working out.

Will you marry me - Proposal Will, You, Mary, Me - Foursome ...

2026-05-04T02:37:27Z

Will you marry me - Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me - Foursome request
Will, you marry me - Time traveler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me - Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it's THAT important!

Scientists have just found out that Jupiter does not experience ...

2026-04-28T22:37:06Z

Scientists have just found out that Jupiter does not experience earthquakes because it experiences jupiterquakes.

Nostr event nevent1qqs2uczavdczgk9dpldgatcpv54yzqwrvsnjcgfgqknmvyl4e68q4jczyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjq5td53

2026-04-28T02:37:27Z

I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke ...

2026-04-27T22:37:25Z

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

My coworker just rescued a dog that's a Havanese/Shih Tzu ...

2026-04-26T21:37:13Z

My coworker just rescued a dog that's a Havanese/Shih Tzu mix. She's registering it as a Havashit.

I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a ...

2026-04-26T04:37:05Z

I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

My wife and I decided we didn't want to have children. We ...

2026-04-22T23:37:02Z

My wife and I decided we didn't want to have children.

We don't know how they'll take it, but we're telling them at dinner...

If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I'd get rid of my ...

2026-04-22T01:37:02Z

If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I'd get rid of my spine. Sometimes I think it's holding me back.

How many click-bait articles does it take to change a light bulb? ...

2026-04-20T07:37:03Z

How many click-bait articles does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer may shock you.

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes... You need ...

2026-04-19T09:37:03Z

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...
You need to let that mango!

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One... ...

2026-04-18T22:37:01Z

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... or two? One...or two?

The sky over Kappeln, Germany opens into soft layers of cloud and ...

2026-04-16T13:20:04Z

The sky over Kappeln, Germany opens into soft layers of cloud and light, the kind of quiet horizon that asks you to pause. This moment, captured by Peter Frese on Pexels, holds the stillness that arrives just as the sun slips away and the day exhales.

I've been told that I have a rare genetic disease that forces ...

2026-04-12T00:37:02Z

I've been told that I have a rare genetic disease that forces me to deny the existence of 80s bands.
The Cure does not exist.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not ...

2026-04-11T23:37:01Z

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details.

We can drop them off tomorrow.

On my tombstone, please write: Not appreciating my puns when I ...

2026-04-10T19:37:02Z

On my tombstone, please write:

Not appreciating my puns when I was alive was a grave mistake.

Two seals find stillness on Arctic ice, a quiet moment captured ...

2026-04-06T01:01:29Z

Two seals find stillness on Arctic ice, a quiet moment captured by photographer Putulik Jaaka that reminds us winter holds its own kind of warmth. In these frozen waters, life doesn't struggle against the cold—it simply rests within it.

Nostr event nevent1qqsyrgtsr4l2cm7ya3zp90vtcya5utkw2r7r90mdhgez8jsc0elj7rszyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjywn8tv

2026-04-05T20:37:02Z

I hate it when I go out in public and the public is there.

People always ask me where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo ...

2026-04-04T02:37:02Z

People always ask me where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, 'What would Jesus ...

2026-04-03T05:37:02Z

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, 'What would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage... ...

2026-04-01T19:37:01Z

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean.

Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army? Squire: ...

2026-03-31T13:37:01Z

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384, my liege.
King: Ok, round them up.
Squire: 400, my liege.

My nephew's inability to get his life started is so ...

2026-03-28T00:37:02Z

My nephew's inability to get his life started is so frustrating. 'Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING.' But my family keeps justifying his behavior because 'he's only three.'

I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong. ...

2026-03-26T10:37:03Z

I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

I've done some terrible things for money. Like getting up ...

2026-03-26T01:37:02Z

I've done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to ...

2026-03-25T04:37:03Z

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.

'But you can't!' protests the boss. 'Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?'

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.

2026-03-18T09:37:03Z

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

Nature paints in layers tonight. This evening sky captured by ...

2026-03-17T16:48:28Z

Nature paints in layers tonight. This evening sky captured by Enrique on Pexels shows lenticular clouds stacked like brushstrokes above a blanket of stratocumulus, all lit by the fading sun. These lens-shaped formations appear when moist air flows over mountains, creating standing waves that sculpt the atmosphere into something almost architectural. The colors arrive as light bends through varying densities of air and water, turning an ordinary sunset into a study in texture and gradient.

Mountains wear their winter crowns in silence, doubled by the ...

2026-03-16T21:00:31Z

Mountains wear their winter crowns in silence, doubled by the mirror of a river that barely breathes. This frame by John De Leon on Pexels holds the kind of stillness that only arrives at sunset, when the world pauses between light and dark, and the only sound you can imagine is the cold air settling over stone and water.

Nature's frozen architecture rises in silence. This majestic ...

2026-03-13T13:04:27Z

Nature's frozen architecture rises in silence. This majestic glacier wall, captured by Ben Jackson on Pexels, holds centuries of compacted snow and ice in its towering face—a monument to time, stillness, and the patient work of cold. Here, in the presence of such scale, tranquility isn't just felt but seen, carved into every blue-white crevasse and jagged edge where light meets ancient ice.

My best friend called me and said, 'An evil wizard turned me ...

2026-03-08T03:37:02Z

My best friend called me and said, 'An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!' I went to his house to find out he's a big lyre.

I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, 'Lobster Tails ...

2026-03-08T02:37:02Z

I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, 'Lobster Tails $2.00,' so I stopped the car, walked over, and handed my money to the proprietor.

He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath, and said...

'Once upon a time, there was this lobster...'

The Matterhorn rises through winter silence, its iconic pyramid ...

2026-03-05T02:05:27Z

The Matterhorn rises through winter silence, its iconic pyramid draped in snow and framed by the jagged spine of the Swiss Alps. This view from Zermatt, captured by Oskar Gross on Pexels, reminds us that some landscapes need no embellishment—just the patience to witness them as they are.

Frank was skydiving for the first time. He couldn't open his ...

2026-02-15T22:37:02Z

Frank was skydiving for the first time. He couldn't open his chute.

As he looked down, he saw a guy in an apron flying up towards him.

Frank: Hey! Do you know how to open a parachute?

Guy: No! Do you know how to light a barbecue?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I ...

2026-02-15T20:37:02Z

God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

A horse walks into a bar. The barkeep asks if it's an ...

2026-02-15T02:37:02Z

A horse walks into a bar. The barkeep asks if it's an alcoholic. The horse replies, 'I don't think I am,' and promptly disappears.

Students of philosophy giggle, being familiar with the philosophical proposition of 'Cogito ergo sum': To explain beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Daughter: Dad, may I go to the 50 Cent concert tonight? Dad: ...

2026-02-06T06:37:02Z

Daughter: Dad, may I go to the 50 Cent concert tonight?

Dad: Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister.

Batman: Whiskey on the rocks, hold the whiskey. Bartender: So you ...

2026-02-05T00:37:02Z

Batman: Whiskey on the rocks, hold the whiskey.

Bartender: So you just want ice?

Batman: Yes, JUSTICE!

Officer: 'Know why I was following you?' Me: 'Because ...

2026-01-29T21:37:02Z

Officer: 'Know why I was following you?'

Me: 'Because I already have 45,000 friends, and you think I'm funny?' (I'm gonna need bail money.)

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light at the end ...

2026-01-29T04:37:02Z

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

Nostr event nevent1qqsquk0gtn900sr2xe35tf0cw4jrumavtndakl8r5hu7fhjltckrplczyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjmzcdn5

2026-01-29T01:37:03Z

Some people go into martial arts just for kicks.

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, Head & ...

2026-01-28T04:37:03Z

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, Head & Shoulders...

...have not followed up with a body wash called Knees & Toes.

My son was doing his homework and asked what I knew about ...

2026-01-26T21:37:02Z

My son was doing his homework and asked what I knew about Galileo.

I said that I only knew he was a poor boy from a poor family.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well... ...

2026-01-23T11:37:02Z

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well...
They're not laughing now.

Nostr event nevent1qqsvkmzqlwahv7k3zjxr5eeg3yu6935c3wwkrfk5f38dkmvzdtwsfzczyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjdspcpe

2026-01-19T05:37:03Z

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the ...

2026-01-19T03:37:03Z

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

When I was young I had a disease that meant I had to eat dirt ...

2026-01-19T00:37:02Z

When I was young I had a disease that meant I had to eat dirt twice a day. Thank God my brother was there to tell me what to do.

The Devil whispered to me, 'I'm coming for you.' I ...

2026-01-17T23:37:02Z

The Devil whispered to me, 'I'm coming for you.'

I whispered back, 'Bring pizza.'

My dog took a crap, and it looked like it had writing on it. I ...

2026-01-04T22:37:02Z

My dog took a crap, and it looked like it had writing on it. I couldn't read it because I can't read shit without my glasses.

I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns ...

2026-01-01T23:37:02Z

I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a ...

2025-12-29T05:37:02Z

It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
It's a faux pa.

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. ...

2025-12-29T00:37:02Z

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.

That's me in the Korma.

I strained myself walking through a screen door.

2025-12-28T16:37:02Z

I strained myself

walking through a screen door.

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of ...

2025-12-25T01:37:03Z

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless.

Mrs. Doc: What are you doing? Me: (standing on one leg at the ...

2025-12-23T15:37:02Z

Mrs. Doc: What are you doing?

Me: (standing on one leg at the ATM) Checking my balance...

I just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my ...

2025-12-22T04:37:03Z

I just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, 'Can you perform under pressure?'

He replied, 'I'm not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!'

I love how they are putting jokes on the side of snacks these ...

2025-12-18T18:37:02Z

I love how they are putting jokes on the side of snacks these days. Listen to this one: Serving Size: 3 cookies.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir ...

2025-12-04T11:37:03Z

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference, but the one most afraid was Sir Render. Let's not forget the most resilient, Sir Vival, and the rotund Sir Cular. And the knight with the most electrifying personality, Sir Kit!

Im looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage... Only ...

2025-08-15T01:32:02Z

Im looking to sell my Delorean.

Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

I've done some terrible things for money. Like getting up ...

2025-08-08T06:32:02Z

I've done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.

Nostr event nevent1qqstmmwjhq9dseu6zapgzggtl8dpr5qpg5ll4dxcpdyl8rzx2aujsrqzyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjd6984c

2025-08-03T21:32:01Z

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN'T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN'T OPENER

Just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think thats how Im ...

2025-08-02T14:32:02Z

Just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think thats how Im gonna watch all documentaries from now on

Somebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me. I only ...

2025-08-01T23:32:01Z

Somebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me.

I only have super fish oil injuries but Im lucky I wasnt krilled!

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the ...

2025-08-01T21:32:01Z

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself

this is the last thing I need.

A Pennsylvania man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart. ...

2025-07-30T04:32:02Z

A Pennsylvania man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart.

I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against thin mints...

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I ...

2025-07-29T14:32:01Z

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got out of bed to look with him.

Im reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put ...

2025-07-26T02:32:02Z

Im reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

I told my daughter, It's always been my dream to walk you ...

2025-07-24T17:32:01Z

I told my daughter, It's always been my dream to walk you down the aisle. She said: Dad, we're grocery shopping.

Nostr event nevent1qqsxgk9ped26hldm5ne85r06s0he2ua87rj4xgypkfrrst3vsnzjdvszyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zj2vkn3y

2025-07-13T14:32:01Z

I have a hammer joke, but I don't think I can nail it.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers ...

2025-07-13T10:32:01Z

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and ...

2025-07-10T01:32:01Z

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.

I said: No. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

Nostr event nevent1qqsgyjae9ck60sj3gtqrrykl9dnw0j5zagvj4xlzx9gm0qm2a553wzgzyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjy279cu

2025-07-09T20:32:01Z

6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock.

The Gluteus Maximus is the largest muscle in your body, In fact ...

2025-07-09T17:32:01Z

The Gluteus Maximus is the largest muscle in your body, In fact it's a huge ass muscle.

Nostr event nevent1qqszuwtgrlp2t4zruag8ntfwlaz63u5llt7y7ja3tld95euf2z2slvszyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjal9a9x

2025-07-07T16:32:01Z

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

2025-07-06T18:32:01Z

How often do I make chemistry jokes?

Periodically.

A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him ...

2025-07-05T20:32:01Z

A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

A vulture boards a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The ...

2025-07-03T11:32:00Z

A vulture boards a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks and says
sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger.

England doesnt have a kidney bank... But it does have a ...

2025-06-26T10:32:02Z

England doesnt have a kidney bank... But it does have a Liverpool.

Ive just found a wallet with $20 in it. I wasnt sure how to ...

2025-06-26T05:32:02Z

Ive just found a wallet with $20 in it.

I wasnt sure how to proceed, but then I thought, What would Jesus do?

So I turned it into wine.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and think Hey that one is ...

2025-06-25T07:32:01Z

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and think Hey that one is shapped like an idiot.

Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, ...

2025-06-23T12:32:01Z

Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.

He started dancing and said, Never gonna give you 'Up'.

A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up. I said: ...

2025-06-13T16:32:01Z

A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up.

I said: Sure. 70.

I always regret making a good first impression because theres no ...

2025-06-10T23:32:02Z

I always regret making a good first impression because theres no way I can keep that shit up!

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense ...

2025-06-09T14:32:00Z

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Last night on Dancing With The Tsars, Peter and Catherine were ...

2025-06-04T19:32:01Z

Last night on Dancing With The Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great but Ivan was terrible

Why havent Aliens visited our Solar System yet? They looked at ...

2025-05-31T20:32:01Z

Why havent Aliens visited our Solar System yet?

They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.

Audio, Video, Disco. Latin for: I hear, I see, Learn

2025-05-30T01:32:02Z

Audio, Video, Disco.

Latin for: I hear, I see, Learn

I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually ...

2025-05-25T17:32:03Z

I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.

Good players are hard to find.

Nostr event nevent1qqs0s0qnynfz4ly86zve2kux3nfgjmkpjlvv8uwkkxmgrgk4yaay5xgzyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjskff4s

2025-05-23T00:32:02Z

If Watson isnt the most famous doctor in the world... Then Who is.

Purple is my favorite color! I like it more than blue and red ...

2025-05-20T18:32:01Z

Purple is my favorite color!

I like it more than blue and red combined.

Nostr event nevent1qqs0z0gzh0205vgq7wr995utxy90jgv7p5kknajthxq7t5tx7t2egtszyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjstl48d

2025-05-14T23:32:01Z

I call my kettle Jim Carey. Because he brews-all-my-tea...

I a human being, the top of the food chain, earth's alpha ...

2025-05-08T10:32:01Z

I a human being, the top of the food chain, earth's alpha predator!

wasp: Fuck Off

me: yep! OK then!

I love the phrase "bear with me" because it either means ...

2025-05-08T05:32:02Z

I love the phrase "bear with me"
because it either means "be patient"
or
"the zoo heist was a success"

Nostr event nevent1qqsfxwzj0w3wyux4zncgxgdksrlwynmfj9vhar6jl942g2ntsy7zaxszyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjt97l7j

2025-05-07T19:32:01Z

do the people who do triathlons know they don't have to

Things we didnt do -Start the fire -Shoot the deputy Things we ...

2025-05-06T03:32:01Z

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Have you ever tried blind folded archery? You don't know what ...

2025-05-04T05:32:02Z

Have you ever tried blind folded archery?

You don't know what you're missing.

An adult in bed will remain in bed until acted upon by a large ...

2025-04-27T19:32:01Z

An adult in bed will remain in bed until acted upon by a large enough responsibility.

-Newtons 4th Law

As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the ...

2025-04-26T20:32:01Z

As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer. It ...

2025-04-26T06:32:02Z

I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer. It just kept on ringing.

Nostr event nevent1qqsttwa0jc705k4dgrwem5hz66pmna66j5eef695c7n44mweetlzrkgzyzmhfraxtrmvchm3gax7ed32nft3y9209hv8uc46g7da8445030zjhdst6t

2025-04-20T08:32:02Z

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.