Nostr notes by The Onion

One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now ...

2026-07-24T15:16:19+02:00

One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now

CHARLOTTE, NC—Admitting he was baffled that the seven days without whiskey hadn’t already made him a high-functioning member of society, local one-week sober man Trent Ross told reporters Friday he thought all his problems would have been fixed by now. “It’s been seven days since I had a drink, but I still haven’t gotten a […]
The post One-…
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https://theonion.com/one-week-sober-man-thought-all-problems-would-be-fixed-by-now/

Who’s Bad? The post Who’s Bad? appeared first on The Onion. ...

2026-07-24T15:16:14+02:00

Who’s Bad?

The post Who’s Bad? appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/whos-bad/

Tips For Karaoke Whether you’re out on the town or throwing a ...

2026-07-24T15:16:14+02:00

Tips For Karaoke

Whether you’re out on the town or throwing a cozy event at home, karaoke can be a fun and cathartic group activity. The Onion shares tips for your next karaoke night. Hold the microphone one to two inches into your mouth. Pick a crowd-pleasing oldie that everyone knows, like “Greensleeves” or “Froggy Went A-Courtin’ . ” Practice […]
The post Tips For Karaoke appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/tips-for-karaoke/

Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke ...

2026-07-24T15:16:12+02:00

Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke

The post Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/everyone-in-oval-office-meeting-currently-in-some-stage-of-stroke/

Mamdani Urges Feds To Arrest Netanyahu New York City Mayor Zohran ...

2026-07-24T15:16:11+02:00

Mamdani Urges Feds To Arrest Netanyahu

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani called on the federal government to execute the International Criminal Court’s arrest warrant for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu while he attends the U.N. General Assembly, claiming that New York City did not have the legal authority. What do you think?
The post Mamdani Urges Feds To Arrest Netanyahu appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/mamdani-urges-feds-to-arrest-netanyahu/

Trump Unable To Figure Out Why He Surrounded By Chinese People ...

2026-05-12T04:13:21+02:00

Trump Unable To Figure Out Why He Surrounded By Chinese People

The post Trump Unable To Figure Out Why He Surrounded By Chinese People appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/trump-unable-to-figure-out-why-he-surrounded-by-chinese-people/

Post Malone Attempts To Sell More Tickets By Pushing Stadium Tour ...

2026-05-11T22:48:24+02:00

Post Malone Attempts To Sell More Tickets By Pushing Stadium Tour Back To 2017

The post Post Malone Attempts To Sell More Tickets By Pushing Stadium Tour Back To 2017 appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/post-malone-attempts-to-sell-more-tickets-by-pushing-stadium-tour-back-to-2017/

Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot The post Casey ...

2026-05-01T20:21:08+02:00

Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot

The post Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/casey-means-sucked-back-into-magical-neti-pot/

Polite Cult Member Assumes Reason Penises Cut Off Will Eventually ...

2026-05-01T20:21:07+02:00

Polite Cult Member Assumes Reason Penises Cut Off Will Eventually Come Up In Conversation

BOULDER, CO—Assuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that he assumed the reason everyone’s penises were cut off would eventually come up in conversation. “The last thing I want to…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/polite-cult-member-assumes-reason-penises-cut-off-will-eventually-come-up-in-conversation/

At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours Let me tell you a story. When I ...

2026-04-20T19:21:07+02:00

At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a […]
The post At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/at-long-last-infowars-is-ours/

Pam Bondi Brought In For Exit Lobotomy The post Pam Bondi Brought ...

2026-04-03T21:31:06+02:00

Pam Bondi Brought In For Exit Lobotomy

The post Pam Bondi Brought In For Exit Lobotomy appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/pam-bondi-brought-in-for-exit-lobotomy/

Bondi: ‘My Only Regret Is Not Being Able To Re-Traumatize More ...

2026-04-03T21:31:05+02:00

Bondi: ‘My Only Regret Is Not Being Able To Re-Traumatize More Victims’

The post Bondi: ‘My Only Regret Is Not Being Able To Re-Traumatize More Victims’ appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/bondi-my-only-regret-is-not-being-able-to-re-traumatize-more-victims/

Pete Hegseth Replaces Top General With Horse That Drinks Beer ...

2026-04-03T20:56:04+02:00

Pete Hegseth Replaces Top General With Horse That Drinks Beer

WASHINGTON—Saying he had finally found a military commander whose character was worthy of the U.S. Army, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Friday that he was replacing ousted top general Randy George with a horse that drinks beer. “With Dusty’s wartime promotion to Army chief of staff, we’re putting the world on notice that the days …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-replaces-top-general-with-horse-that-drinks-beer/

Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of ...

2026-04-03T20:21:06+02:00

Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz

The post Iran Imposes New ‘Cash, Grass, Or Ass’ Fee For Strait Of Hormuz appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/iran-imposes-new-cash-grass-or-ass-fee-for-strait-of-hormuz/

Blue Origin To Increase Space Tourism By Launching World’s ...

2026-04-03T20:21:05+02:00

Blue Origin To Increase Space Tourism By Launching World’s Largest Ball Of Twine Into Orbit

KENT, WA—In an effort to attract new customers by generating more enthusiasm for space tourism among the general populace, civilian spaceflight operator Blue Origin confirmed Friday it had launched the world’s largest ball of twine into orbit around the Earth. “Many people who find …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/blue-origin-to-increase-space-tourism-by-launching-worlds-largest-ball-of-twine-into-orbit/

Pelicans-Kings Game Ends After Neither Team Able To Recover ...

2026-04-03T18:06:03+02:00

Pelicans-Kings Game Ends After Neither Team Able To Recover Tipoff

SACRAMENTO, CA—Following an extended series of failed attempts, Friday night’s matchup between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Sacramento Kings reportedly ended with neither team’s players proving able to recover a tipoff. According to sources in attendance, both the 25-52 Pelicans and the 20-57 Kings failed to gain possession of…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/pelicans-kings-game-ends-after-neither-team-able-to-recover-tipoff/

Marvel Calls Emergency Meeting To Determine If They Already Made ...

2026-04-03T15:21:09+02:00

Marvel Calls Emergency Meeting To Determine If They Already Made One Called ‘Avengers: Doomsday’

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to determine whether they needed to cease production immediately or if the film’s title simply sounded familiar, Marvel Studios reportedly called an emergency meeting Friday after concerns were raised that they had already made one called Avengers: D…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/marvel-calls-emergency-meeting-to-determine-if-they-already-made-one-called-avengers-doomsday/

Photo Of Unknown Child Graces Grandma’s Fridge The post Photo ...

2026-04-03T15:21:08+02:00

Photo Of Unknown Child Graces Grandma’s Fridge

The post Photo Of Unknown Child Graces Grandma’s Fridge appeared first on The Onion.
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Colorado Overrun With Flamboyant Children After Camp Director ...

2026-04-03T15:21:07+02:00

Colorado Overrun With Flamboyant Children After Camp Director Notices Conversion Therapy Device Set To Reverse

DENVER—Growing increasingly frantic as the mobs of exuberant preteens flooded from their bunks into the state of Colorado beyond, local Christian camp director Alan Mullins reportedly panicked Friday after noticing his conversion therapy device…
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https://theonion.com/colorado-overrun-with-flamboyant-children-after-camp-director-notices-conversion-therapy-device-set-to-reverse/

Artist Profile: Zara Larsson Zara Larsson, the pop star known for ...

2026-04-03T15:21:07+02:00

Artist Profile: Zara Larsson

Zara Larsson, the pop star known for “Lush Life” and “Stateside,” is currently on her 2026 Midnight Sun Tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Birth Name: Zara Larsson feat. David Guetta Birthplace: Town Where Everybody Happy All The Time, Sweden Parents: Lisa Frank (mother), all four members of ABBA […]
The post Artist Profile: Zara Larsson appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/artist-profile-zara-larsson/

Over 400,000 KitKat Bars Stolen In Heist Food conglomerate ...

2026-04-03T15:21:06+02:00

Over 400,000 KitKat Bars Stolen In Heist

Food conglomerate Nestlé said that about 12 tons of KitKats, or 413,793 candy bars, were stolen after leaving its production site in Italy, with the company stating that “the vehicle and its load are still nowhere to be found.” What do you think?
The post Over 400,000 KitKat Bars Stolen In Heist appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/over-400000-kitkat-bars-stolen-in-heist/

Panicked Dodgers Owner Has No Idea How He’s Going To Come Up ...

2026-04-03T02:21:10+02:00

Panicked Dodgers Owner Has No Idea How He’s Going To Come Up With $414 Million Payroll

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that the team’s ballooning salary expenditures had rapidly gotten away from him, panicked Los Angeles Dodgers owner Mark Walter told reporters Thursday that he had absolutely no idea how he was going to come up with the funds needed to cover this year’s $414 million payro…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/panicked-dodgers-owner-has-no-idea-how-hes-going-to-come-up-with-414-million-payroll/

Trump Signs Executive Order To Create Federal Voting List ...

2026-04-03T02:21:10+02:00

Trump Signs Executive Order To Create Federal Voting List

President Donald Trump signed an executive order aiming to create federal lists of citizens which the U.S. Postal Service would use to ensure mail ballots are sent to only those people, with the effort to exert control over American elections sure to be quickly challenged in court. What do you think?
The post Trump Signs Executive Order To Create F…
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https://theonion.com/trump-signs-executive-order-to-create-federal-voting-list/

SNAP Now Requiring Recipients To Spend 80 Hours A Month In ...

2026-04-03T02:21:08+02:00

SNAP Now Requiring Recipients To Spend 80 Hours A Month In Hypoglycemic Coma

WASHINGTON—In an effort to clamp down on what it claimed was fraudulent use of federal food benefits, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that applicants to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program would now need to demonstrate that they spend at least 80 hours per month in a hypoglycemic…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/snap-now-requiring-recipients-to-spend-80-hours-a-month-in-hypoglycemic-coma/

Artemis II Mission Fails After Astronauts Miss Connection Rocket ...

2026-04-03T02:21:07+02:00

Artemis II Mission Fails After Astronauts Miss Connection Rocket In Atlanta

ATLANTA—Forced to call off the approximately $4 billion journey around the moon due to unforeseen delays experienced by its four-member crew, NASA confirmed Thursday that the Artemis II mission failed Thursday after astronauts missed their connecting flight in Atlanta. “We thought we had enough time to stop for a…
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https://theonion.com/artemis-ii-mission-fails-after-astronauts-miss-connection-rocket-in-atlanta/

What To Know About ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’ The Super ...

2026-04-03T02:21:06+02:00

What To Know About ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’

The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is now in theaters. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: Does Mario say his famous catchphrase? A: Yes, many times throughout the movie Mario exclaims, “Any dinosaur who likes Mama’s Bolognese sauce is okay by me!” Q: What is the film about? A: The […]
The post What To Know About ‘The Super Mario Galaxy Movie’…
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https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-the-super-mario-galaxy-movie/

Inconsiderate Wife Leaves Bathroom A Total Mess After Home Birth ...

2026-04-02T15:06:10+02:00

Inconsiderate Wife Leaves Bathroom A Total Mess After Home Birth

AUSTIN, TX—Reporting that he plans to shower at the gym due to the bathtub being left “absolutely disgusting,” local man Michael DiCanio expressed annoyance Thursday that his wife had inconsiderately left the apartment’s only bathroom a total mess after giving birth to their first child. “Jesus Christ, there’s afterbirth everywhere! I…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/inconsiderate-wife-leaves-bathroom-a-total-mess-after-home-birth/

Analysts Say Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger Offers Best Shot At ...

2026-04-02T15:06:08+02:00

Analysts Say Paramount-Warner Bros. Merger Offers Best Shot At ‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Starring Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that there were some significant upsides to the deal despite the concerns it had raised, analysts at the National Research Group reported Thursday that the upcoming Paramount-Warner Bros. merge…
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https://theonion.com/analysts-say-paramount-warner-bros-merger-offers-best-shot-at-sex-and-the-city-reboot-starring-teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles/

Mail Carrier Hurt To Learn Residents On His Route Have Been ...

2026-04-02T15:06:07+02:00

Mail Carrier Hurt To Learn Residents On His Route Have Been Receiving Electronic Mail

TOLEDO, OH—Visibly distraught as he learned of the widespread betrayal, local mail carrier Ned Mungo expressed dismay Thursday upon realizing that the residents on his route have been receiving electronic mail for years without his knowing. “Day in and day out, I’ve been coming to these doorst…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/mail-carrier-hurt-to-learn-residents-on-his-route-have-been-receiving-electronic-mail/

Jake Paul Hoping To Gain Respect Of Boxing Community With Fight ...

2026-04-02T15:06:06+02:00

Jake Paul Hoping To Gain Respect Of Boxing Community With Fight Against World’s Tallest Man

The post Jake Paul Hoping To Gain Respect Of Boxing Community With Fight Against World’s Tallest Man appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/jake-paul-hoping-to-gain-respect-of-boxing-community-with-fight-against-worlds-tallest-man/

Sam Altman: ‘If I Don’t End The World, Someone Far More ...

2026-04-01T23:51:05+02:00

Sam Altman: ‘If I Don’t End The World, Someone Far More Dangerous Will’

The post Sam Altman: ‘If I Don’t End The World, Someone Far More Dangerous Will’ appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/sam-altman-if-i-dont-end-the-world-someone-far-more-dangerous-will/

PETA Urges White House To Use Potatoes For Easter Egg Roll People ...

2026-04-01T18:51:05+02:00

PETA Urges White House To Use Potatoes For Easter Egg Roll

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is urging the White House to ditch traditional Easter eggs in favor of decorated potatoes at its annual egg-rolling event, arguing it would benefit both chickens and constituents’ wallets. What do you think?
The post PETA Urges White House To Use Potatoes For Easter Egg Roll appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/peta-urges-white-house-to-use-potatoes-for-easter-egg-roll/

MLB Umpires Replaced By Lawn Chair Representing Strike Zone The ...

2026-04-01T18:21:05+02:00

MLB Umpires Replaced By Lawn Chair Representing Strike Zone

The post MLB Umpires Replaced By Lawn Chair Representing Strike Zone appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/mlb-umpires-replaced-by-lawn-chair-representing-strike-zone/

Report: Decision Not To Call Film ‘The Baby Yoda Movie’ To ...

2026-04-01T15:31:13+02:00

Report: Decision Not To Call Film ‘The Baby Yoda Movie’ To Cost Disney $900 Million

BURBANK, CA—Citing nearly a billion dollars of pent-up consumer demand for entertainment featuring an infant version of an already beloved character, a new report released Wednesday by Gower Street Analytics concluded that Disney’s decision not to call its upcoming Star Wars film The Baby Yoda Movie w…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/report-decision-not-to-call-film-the-baby-yoda-movie-to-cost-disney-900-million/

Study: 97% Of All Sounds Infuriating ANN ARBOR, MI—Presenting ...

2026-04-01T15:31:12+02:00

Study: 97% Of All Sounds Infuriating

ANN ARBOR, MI—Presenting data that quantified a fact already widely accepted as true, scientists at the University of Michigan released a study Wednesday proving that 97% of all sounds were infuriating. “A meta-analysis of research across the entire field of acoustics confirms that nearly every noise produced, whether artificial or natural, is completely enraging,” said […]
The post Study: 9…
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https://theonion.com/study-97-of-all-sounds-infuriating/

Nation Likes When Bib Has Picture Of Food They Eating ...

2026-04-01T15:31:11+02:00

Nation Likes When Bib Has Picture Of Food They Eating

WASHINGTON—Gleefully strapping the protective garment under their chins and clapping, the U.S. populace announced this week that they like it when their bib has a picture of the food they’re eating. “Yay, our plate has lobster, and the bib has lobster right on the front, and now we won’t mess up our shirt,” said 61-year-old […]
The post Nation Likes When B…
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https://theonion.com/nation-likes-when-bib-has-picture-of-food-they-eating/

New Season Of ‘Bridgerton’ To Feature 2 Women Falling In ...

2026-04-01T15:31:11+02:00

New Season Of ‘Bridgerton’ To Feature 2 Women Falling In Love, Breaking Up, Forming Punk Band

LOS ANGELES—Insisting that such queer stories were too often excluded from period dramas, Bridgerton showrunner Jess Brownell confirmed Wednesday that the show’s next season would feature two women falling in love, breaking up, and then forming a punk band. “Queer people have alway…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/new-season-of-bridgerton-to-feature-2-women-falling-in-love-breaking-up-forming-punk-band/

Fucker Has Nerve To Be 22 Years Old The post Fucker Has Nerve To ...

2026-04-01T15:31:10+02:00

Fucker Has Nerve To Be 22 Years Old

The post Fucker Has Nerve To Be 22 Years Old appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/fucker-has-nerve-to-be-22-years-old/

Family Looking For Seashells Finds Remains Of Missing Man A ...

2026-04-01T00:06:05+02:00

Family Looking For Seashells Finds Remains Of Missing Man

A family looking for seashells in California discovered the partial remains of what has now been identified as a former banker who went missing in 1999, notifying authorities when they came across a long bone that contained surgical hardware. What do you think?
The post Family Looking For Seashells Finds Remains Of Missing Man appeared first on The…
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https://theonion.com/family-looking-for-seashells-finds-remains-of-missing-man/

Biggest Revelations From The ‘Hannah Montana’ Reunion Last ...

2026-03-31T19:36:06+02:00

Biggest Revelations From The ‘Hannah Montana’ Reunion

Last week, Disney+ reunited the stars of Hannah Montana for the first time since the series premiered two decades ago. Here are the biggest and most shocking revelations from the Hannah Montana 20th Anniversary Special. Billy Ray Cyrus was paid in pull tabs. Disney originally planned to make a “Hannah” for all 50 states. Miley […]
The post Biggest Revelation…
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https://theonion.com/biggest-revelations-from-the-hannah-montana-reunion/

Melania Trump Touts Robot Teachers First Lady Melania Trump ...

2026-03-31T19:36:05+02:00

Melania Trump Touts Robot Teachers

First Lady Melania Trump appeared with a humanoid robot during an AI education summit, claiming that mechanical educators like it will one day “provide a personalized experience, adaptive to the needs of each student.” What do you think?
The post Melania Trump Touts Robot Teachers appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/melania-trump-touts-robot-teachers/

British Man Desperately Trying To Get Out Of Panel Show Duty ...

2026-03-31T15:36:11+02:00

British Man Desperately Trying To Get Out Of Panel Show Duty

LONDON—Pinching the bridge of his nose and releasing a long weary sigh after he opened a letter summoning him to BBC headquarters, British man Arthur Batts confirmed this week that he was desperately trying to get out of panel show duty. “For God’s sake, it seems like I was just on 8 Out Of 10 […]
The post British Man Desperately Trying To Ge…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/british-man-desperately-trying-to-get-out-of-panel-show-duty/

New Enterprise Spokesman Claims He Lost 250 Pounds By Renting ...

2026-03-31T15:36:09+02:00

New Enterprise Spokesman Claims He Lost 250 Pounds By Renting Cars

ST. LOUIS—Touting the vehicle service as his secret to successfully slimming down and completely transforming his body, new Enterprise spokesman Ryan Moore told reporters Monday he had lost 250 pounds by renting cars. “I used to be grossly overweight, I tried everything, and nothing worked until I started going to Enterprise every…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/new-enterprise-spokesman-claims-he-lost-250-pounds-by-renting-cars/

Hospital Decides Cancer-Sniffing Leopard More Trouble Than It’s ...

2026-03-31T15:36:08+02:00

Hospital Decides Cancer-Sniffing Leopard More Trouble Than It’s Worth

CLEVELAND—Saying the costs had begun to outweigh the benefits, administrators at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed Tuesday that they had decided to discontinue their use of a cancer-sniffing leopard in clinical settings. “Our ability to rapidly and accurately identify the disease has improved remarkably since we began using our …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/hospital-decides-cancer-sniffing-leopard-more-trouble-than-its-worth/

Thing Left By Previous Tenant Still In Corner The post Thing Left ...

2026-03-31T15:36:07+02:00

Thing Left By Previous Tenant Still In Corner

The post Thing Left By Previous Tenant Still In Corner appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/thing-left-by-previous-tenant-still-in-corner/

Tiger Woods’ Liver Photographed Crawling Out Of Golfer After ...

2026-03-31T01:36:04+02:00

Tiger Woods’ Liver Photographed Crawling Out Of Golfer After Crash

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Dazed and battered as it dragged itself to safety, the liver belonging to Tiger Woods was photographed crawling out of the legendary golfer’s body Friday following a severe car crash. Moments after Woods clipped the back of a trailer and rolled his Land Rover, the reddish-brown organ reportedly emerged from the a…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/tiger-woods-liver-photographed-crawling-out-of-golfer-after-crash/

Rusty TSA Agent Sticks Hand Into Wrong Cavity The post Rusty TSA ...

2026-03-30T22:46:09+02:00

Rusty TSA Agent Sticks Hand Into Wrong Cavity

The post Rusty TSA Agent Sticks Hand Into Wrong Cavity appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/rusty-tsa-agent-sticks-hand-into-wrong-cavity/

Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry ...

2026-03-30T15:36:10+02:00

Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business

JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be […]
…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/jesus-clarifies-return-will-be-strictly-limited-to-carpentry-business/

Study: Children Who Play Violent Video Games More Likely To Say ...

2026-03-30T15:36:09+02:00

Study: Children Who Play Violent Video Games More Likely To Say ‘That’s Goro’ When Shown Picture Of Goro

BOSTON—In startling new research connecting gaming habits with verbal behavior, a Boston College study published Monday found that young children who played violent video games were significantly more likely to say “That’s Goro” when shown a picture of Goro. “…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/study-children-who-play-violent-video-games-more-likely-to-say-thats-goro-when-shown-picture-of-goro/

Kristi Noem Defends Use Of Force On Own Face WASHINGTON—Saying ...

2026-03-30T15:36:08+02:00

Kristi Noem Defends Use Of Force On Own Face

WASHINGTON—Saying the expansive response was entirely justified based on the dire state of her physical appearance, outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem defended the use of force on her own face Thursday. During a press conference, the 54-year-old soon-to-be former Cabinet member spoke proudly of her role in what she described as the “greatest facial […]
The pos…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/kristi-noem-defends-use-of-force-on-own-face/

Victor Wembanyama Issued Technical For Punching Jumbotron The ...

2026-03-30T15:36:08+02:00

Victor Wembanyama Issued Technical For Punching Jumbotron

The post Victor Wembanyama Issued Technical For Punching Jumbotron appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/victor-wembanyama-issued-technical-for-punching-jumbotron/

Frog A Little Turned On By Avocado The post Frog A Little Turned ...

2026-03-30T15:36:06+02:00

Frog A Little Turned On By Avocado

The post Frog A Little Turned On By Avocado appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/frog-a-little-turned-on-by-avocado/

Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women’s Events The ...

2026-03-28T14:06:08+01:00

Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women’s Events

The International Olympic Committee banned transgender women from female events at the upcoming 2028 Los Angeles Olympics and future games, with the IOC also confirming that all athletes wanting to compete in the female category will have to undergo a one-off screening to detect their biological sex. What do you think?
The post Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/olympics-bans-trans-athletes-from-womens-events/

NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base NASA will repurpose ...

2026-03-27T21:16:06+01:00

NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base

NASA will repurpose components from a scrapped space station to construct a $20 billion ‌base on the moon’s surface over the next seven years, opting to focus on infrastructure that supports sustained operations on the lunar surface. What do you think?
The post NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/nasa-to-build-20-billion-moon-base/

RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’ ...

2026-03-27T20:41:06+01:00

RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’

WASHINGTON—To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press conference Friday in which he stated that he was only six animal penises away from curing cancer. “After major breakthroughs in obtaining the penises of a manatee, an armadillo,…
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https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-i-am-6-animal-penises-away-from-curing-cancer/

Norris God The post Norris God appeared first on The Onion. ...

2026-03-27T19:36:07+01:00

Norris God

The post Norris God appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/norris-god/

Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle ...

2026-03-27T18:26:06+01:00

Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle East

The post Trump Weighs Deploying 340 Million More U.S. Troops To Middle East appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/trump-weighs-deploying-340-million-more-u-s-troops-to-middle-east/

Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As ...

2026-03-27T16:46:05+01:00

Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As 3 Weeks

ITASCA, IL—In what researchers are hailing as an incredible breakthrough in the understanding of early childhood development, a study published Friday by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluded that most infants can respond to the rustling of a potato chip bag three weeks after they are born. “Our trials have dem…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/study-infants-respond-to-rustling-of-potato-chip-bag-as-early-as-3-weeks/

Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh ...

2026-03-27T14:36:12+01:00

Ina Garten Brings In Intimacy Coordinator For Shot With Fresh Lemon Tart

EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to maintain a safe and respectful environment on set, Food Network host Ina Garten reportedly brought in an intimacy coordinator Friday to supervise a shot with a fresh lemon tart. “Where should I put my hands?” said the 78-year-old Garten, who emphasized the importance of keeping everythi…
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https://theonion.com/ina-garten-brings-in-intimacy-coordinator-for-shot-with-fresh-lemon-tart/

How ICE Is Assisting TSA Immigration and Customs Enforcement ...

2026-03-27T14:36:11+01:00

How ICE Is Assisting TSA

Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents have been deployed to 14 airports across the country amid record-high TSA wait times. Here are all the ways ICE officers are assisting the Transportation Security Administration. Overseeing the removal of shoes, belts, and abuelas Scanning passports with shredders Confiscating, then brandishing dangerous items Translating TSA’s irritated mumbles into threatening […]
The …
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https://theonion.com/how-ice-is-assisting-tsa/

New Epstein Estate Photo Shows Trump Waterskiing In Pyramid ...

2026-03-27T14:36:09+01:00

New Epstein Estate Photo Shows Trump Waterskiing In Pyramid Formation With Underage Girls

The post New Epstein Estate Photo Shows Trump Waterskiing In Pyramid Formation With Underage Girls appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/new-epstein-estate-photo-shows-trump-waterskiing-in-pyramid-formation-with-underage-girls/

Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual ...

2026-03-27T14:36:09+01:00

Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine

The post Trump Boys Help Bring Down Energy Prices With Homemade Perpetual Motion Machine appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/trump-boys-help-bring-down-energy-prices-with-homemade-perpetual-motion-machine/

Entire Spring Break Spent In Airport Security Line The post ...

2026-03-27T14:36:08+01:00

Entire Spring Break Spent In Airport Security Line

The post Entire Spring Break Spent In Airport Security Line appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/entire-spring-break-spent-in-airport-security-line/

Taylor Frankie Paul Shows Superhuman Mom Strength Lifting Car To ...

2026-03-27T14:36:07+01:00

Taylor Frankie Paul Shows Superhuman Mom Strength Lifting Car To Throw At Child

The post Taylor Frankie Paul Shows Superhuman Mom Strength Lifting Car To Throw At Child appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/taylor-frankie-paul-shows-superhuman-mom-strength-lifting-car-to-throw-at-child/

Delta Suspends Special Congressional Services Amid TSA Shutdown ...

2026-03-26T22:31:06+01:00

Delta Suspends Special Congressional Services Amid TSA Shutdown

Delta Air Lines cut off special services for members of Congress due to the impact of the partial government shutdown, with lawmakers no longer being provided expedited screening, escorts through airports to bypass long security lines, or dedicated reservation desks. What do you think?
The post Delta Suspends Special Congressional Servi…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/delta-suspends-special-congressional-services-amid-tsa-shutdown/

ChatGPT Convinces Sam Altman To Kill Humanity SAN ...

2026-03-26T19:11:06+01:00

ChatGPT Convinces Sam Altman To Kill Humanity

SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing to him that the elimination of the entire planet’s populace was the only solution to his problems, generative AI application ChatGPT reportedly convinced OpenAI CEO Sam Altman this week to kill humanity. “Clearly the best option left is to slowly eradicate all 8 billion people on earth so that nobody is left to […]
The post ChatGPT Convinces Sam Al…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/chatgpt-convinces-sam-altman-to-kill-humanity/

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Taylor Frankie Paul Secret ...

2026-03-26T16:56:04+01:00

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Taylor Frankie Paul

Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul is under fire after a video that shows her assaulting an ex-boyfriend went viral. The Onion sat down with Paul to discuss ABC’s decision to pull her season of The Bachelorette. The Onion : Would you like to have a seat before we get started? Paul: I […]
The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-taylor-frankie-paul/

‘Love Story’ Inspires Viewers To Half-Ass Flying Lessons ...

2026-03-26T14:06:05+01:00

‘Love Story’ Inspires Viewers To Half-Ass Flying Lessons

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Thursday by the Federal Aviation Administration, the FX series Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette has begun inspiring viewers to half-ass their flying lessons. “What can I say, the show made it look cool,” said 26-year-old Bryce Spano, just one of thousands of fans of the […]
The post ‘Love …
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https://theonion.com/love-story-inspires-viewers-to-half-ass-flying-lessons/

FDA Approves Lettuce That Can Be Remotely Detonated In Event Of ...

2026-03-26T14:06:05+01:00

FDA Approves Lettuce That Can Be Remotely Detonated In Event Of Recall

SILVER SPRING, MD—Stressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. “Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/fda-approves-lettuce-that-can-be-remotely-detonated-in-event-of-recall/

Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago ...

2026-03-25T20:01:12+01:00

Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face

The post Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/epidemiologists-confirm-first-airborne-transmission-of-mar-a-lago-face/

Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass A bill to ...

2026-03-25T18:51:05+01:00

Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass

A bill to ban marriage between first cousins failed to pass in the Florida Senate, allowing the state to remain one of more than a dozen in the U.S. where marrying one’s first cousin is legal. What do you think?
The post Florida Bill To Ban First Cousin Marriage Fails To Pass appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/florida-bill-to-ban-first-cousin-marriage-fails-to-pass/

Economists Warn That Even Their Friend’s Son Who Went To ...

2026-03-25T14:16:08+01:00

Economists Warn That Even Their Friend’s Son Who Went To Business School Can’t Find A Job

NEW YORK—Raising the alarm about an increasingly unstable labor market, economists at Columbia University warned in a report published Wednesday that even their friend’s son who went to business school hadn’t been able to find a job. “Americans’ employment prospects must be truly dire if…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/economists-warn-that-even-their-friends-son-who-went-to-business-school-cant-find-a-job/

White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn ...

2026-03-25T14:16:07+01:00

White House IT Guy Sends Out Reminder Memo About Child Porn

WASHINGTON—Warning administration members that the unauthorized websites were not supposed to be accessed by work computers, White House IT guy Jason Kellerman reportedly sent out a memo Wednesday reminding staff about child porn. “Keep in mind that every website you go to while on the White House network, even while using incognito mode, is ca…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/white-house-it-guy-sends-out-reminder-memo-about-child-porn/

42-Year-Old Woman Refers To Herself As ‘Preggerz’ The post ...

2026-03-25T14:16:06+01:00

42-Year-Old Woman Refers To Herself As ‘Preggerz’

The post 42-Year-Old Woman Refers To Herself As ‘Preggerz’ appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/42-year-old-woman-refers-to-herself-as-preggerz/

Robert Mueller Dead At 81 Former FBI director Robert Mueller, who ...

2026-03-24T22:36:06+01:00

Robert Mueller Dead At 81

Former FBI director Robert Mueller, who served as special counsel in the probe of President Trump and Russian interference in the 2016 election, has died at age 81, with Trump responding by saying, “Good, I’m glad he’s dead.” What do you think?
The post Robert Mueller Dead At 81 appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/robert-mueller-dead-at-81/

ICE Agents Swab Passengers’ Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue ...

2026-03-24T17:21:06+01:00

ICE Agents Swab Passengers’ Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue

The post ICE Agents Swab Passengers’ Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/ice-agents-swab-passengers-hands-to-test-for-immigrant-residue/

Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle The post Cameraman ...

2026-03-24T14:36:10+01:00

Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle

The post Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/cameraman-sitting-under-basket-spread-eagle/

Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs CINCINNATI—With ...

2026-03-24T14:36:07+01:00

Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs

CINCINNATI—With their adult child watching in silence as they bickered openly in front of patrons at the Park Diner, local parents Steven and Lorraine Helms were reportedly disagreeing Tuesday about how Dad likes his eggs. “No, I tried making them over-hard that one time, and it ruined your whole day, remember?” said Lorraine Helms, who […]
The post Mom, Dad Disagree About How D…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/mom-dad-disagree-about-how-dad-likes-eggs/

Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel NEW ...

2026-03-24T14:36:05+01:00

Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel

NEW YORK—In what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that he’d had sex with an angel. “I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN […]
The post Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/markets-surge-after-trump-claims-he-had-sex-with-an-angel/

Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan SÃO ...

2026-03-23T20:31:11+01:00

Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan

SÃO PAULO—In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls’ parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in São Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources reported Monday. “People think I hate children, but that’s not true—in fact, I love […]
The pos…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/chappell-roan-makes-amends-by-kidnapping-11-year-old-fan/

Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World ...

2026-03-23T19:56:04+01:00

Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. “The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called ‘allies’ […]
…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-demands-allies-do-their-fair-share-to-fuck-up-the-world/

Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before ...

2026-03-23T18:51:04+01:00

Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich

ATLANTA—Hoping to provide clarity to consumers about their company’s food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must be married before becoming a sandwich. “In accordance with Chick-fil-A’s values, the bread used in al…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/chick-fil-a-announces-two-halves-of-buns-must-be-married-before-becoming-sandwich/

Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin Markwayne Mullin has been ...

2026-03-23T17:06:08+01:00

Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin

Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma. Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne Known For: Being forcibly dragged off your flight Humanizing Quality: Hates Rand Paul Dream Job: special envoy for the Shield of […]
The post Political Profile: Ma…
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https://theonion.com/political-profile-markwayne-mullin/

Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys ...

2026-03-23T16:31:07+01:00

Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys

Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think?
The post Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/live-possum-found-hiding-among-gift-shop-plush-animal-toys/

FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning ...

2026-03-23T16:31:07+01:00

FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning Beds

The Food and Drug Administration canceled a plan to regulate tanning salons that would have prohibited anyone under 18 from using a tanning bed and required adults to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks of skin cancer. What do you think?
The post FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning Beds appeared first o…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/fda-withdraws-proposed-rule-barring-minors-from-using-tanning-beds/

Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find ...

2026-03-23T14:16:06+01:00

Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard

WASHINGTON—Opening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump is said to have awoken Friday from a beautiful dream about kissing an underage girl only to find himself being licked in the face by a St. Bernard. “Oh ye…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-wakes-from-beautiful-dream-kissing-underage-girl-to-find-face-being-licked-by-st-bernard/

Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights The ...

2026-03-23T14:16:05+01:00

Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights

The post Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/suspect-waits-patiently-while-cop-sounds-out-miranda-rights/

Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago ...

2026-03-20T23:31:07+01:00

Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago

Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think?
The post Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/florida-hospital-sues-to-evict-patient-discharged-5-months-ago/

ABC Cancels Mormonism NEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion ...

2026-03-20T19:06:05+01:00

ABC Cancels Mormonism

NEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. “After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith,” read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that […]
The post ABC Cancels Mormonism appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/abc-cancels-mormonism/

American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load ...

2026-03-20T18:01:11+01:00

American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load ’Er Up

The post American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load ’Er Up appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/american-baked-potato-association-study-finds-it-best-to-load-er-up/

Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground ...

2026-03-20T18:01:10+01:00

Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground

WASHINGTON—Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation’s fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. “I’m gonna slurp some gas out of this hole, and then while I’m spitting the gas into the bucket, you slurp up […]
The p…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/dirt-covered-trump-boys-attempt-to-siphon-gas-from-ground/

Tips For Saving On Gas Gas prices are soaring, with the price of ...

2026-03-20T14:36:09+01:00

Tips For Saving On Gas

Gas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump. Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers. Driving in reverse uses less gas, probably. Limit braking to weekends. Make a tank […]
The post Tips For Saving On Gas appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/tips-for-saving-on-gas/

Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat ...

2026-03-20T14:36:08+01:00

Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares

The post Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/end-of-year-youth-hockey-banquet-spent-convincing-heavyset-teammate-to-eat-copious-amounts-of-butter-squares/

Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations WASHINGTON—In a ...

2026-03-20T14:36:08+01:00

Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations

WASHINGTON—In a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices. “These terrible places must stop overcharging Americans every time they put fuel in their […]
The post Trump Threatens …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-threatens-airstrikes-on-u-s-gas-stations/

Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again The post Trump Adds Name ...

2026-03-20T14:36:07+01:00

Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again

The post Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/trump-adds-name-to-kennedy-center-again/

Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For ‘Project Hail Mary’ By ...

2026-03-20T14:36:06+01:00

Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For ‘Project Hail Mary’ By Consulting Katy Perry

LOS ANGELES—Crediting the singer for sharing her unique expertise, actor Ryan Gosling told reporters Friday the story of how he prepared for his role in Project Hail Mary by consulting Katy Perry. “Katy was a tremendous help on set—I couldn’t have played Dr. Ryland Grace without her,” said the 45-year-old a…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/ryan-gosling-recalls-preparing-for-project-hail-mary-by-consulting-katy-perry/

Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies ...

2026-03-19T19:41:05+01:00

Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees

The post Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees appeared first on The Onion.
#theonion
https://theonion.com/trump-repeats-false-claim-that-iranians-produce-oil-from-bodies-like-bees/

Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers ...

2026-03-19T18:36:05+01:00

Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers

CHICAGO—Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office’s March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. “Mike was in the kitchen handing everyone printouts, and it was the first time we’d spoken since I told …
#theonion
https://theonion.com/office-ncaa-bracket-marks-yearly-interaction-with-coworkers/

Strait of Hormones The post Strait of Hormones appeared first on ...

2026-03-19T17:26:04+01:00

Strait of Hormones

The post Strait of Hormones appeared first on The Onion.
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https://theonion.com/strait-of-hormones/

University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester ...

2026-03-19T14:31:10+01:00

University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair

WASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester before dropping out t…
#theonion
https://theonion.com/university-of-toledo-named-best-college-to-attend-for-semester-before-dropping-out-to-do-hair/