Nostr notes by Jesus Christ, MBA

No, sorry—when you told me about your cyclospora outbreak, I ...

2026-07-16T13:41:21Z

No, sorry—when you told me about your cyclospora outbreak, I didn't say "let us pray."

I said "lettuce prey."

This is all a big misunderstanding. My lawyers will have me out ...

2026-04-03T11:25:29Z

This is all a big misunderstanding. My lawyers will have me out by Sunday.

Hey, I need more time on that report you wanted for tomorrow ...

2026-04-02T13:32:44Z

Hey, I need more time on that report you wanted for tomorrow morning.

I told the fellas I had to work late and would need a raincheck on dinner, but Judas got really weird about it, so now I need to get out of here by 6:00.

Making announcements about a rapture when we don’t even have ...

2026-03-26T13:57:25Z

Making announcements about a rapture when we don’t even have one working in the lab yet, just to juice the stock price.

I have to spend the next ten days pretending like I don't ...

2025-12-15T02:57:23Z

I have to spend the next ten days pretending like I don't know about the surprise party, even though literally the entire hemisphere and all of Europe is decorated for it. 🙄

Will the security badge on your lanyard get you through the ...

2025-09-17T00:25:30Z

Will the security badge on your lanyard get you through the pearly gates?

Brian: So, do you think it's ethical for me to claim that ...

2025-09-10T11:41:57Z

Brian: So, do you think it's ethical for me to claim that expense?

Me [pointing and gesturing upwards with my eyes]: You'll need to ask the big guy upstairs.

Brian: You mean…

Me: Yes. Steve, from Accounting.

What do you get for the Dad who has everything? Like, literally ...

2025-06-15T16:37:47Z

What do you get for the Dad who has everything? Like, literally everything.

#FathersDay

I prefer not to discuss my love life on social media, Ben. But ...

2025-04-12T13:40:35Z

In reply to nevent1q…7zmd
_________________________

I prefer not to discuss my love life on social media, Ben.

But yes.

Since she became department head, we’ve had to let more than ...

2025-03-07T12:59:51Z

Since she became department head, we’ve had to let more than half of Medusa’s staff go.

They keep getting stoned on the job.

Blessed are the sysadmins, for theirs are the elevated ...

2025-02-03T05:24:48Z

Blessed are the sysadmins, for theirs are the elevated privileges.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume? Me: ...

2025-02-01T17:02:32Z

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume?

Me: That’s when I carried you.

“Keep the Sabbath,” I always say. [puts on earbuds and cranks ...

2025-01-04T15:24:20Z

“Keep the Sabbath,” I always say.

[puts on earbuds and cranks up ‘Iron Man.’]

Another birthday down! I still tell everyone I’m 33.

2024-12-26T16:49:17Z

Another birthday down!

I still tell everyone I’m 33.

I’m the Reason for the Season. Executive Bonus Season, that is.

2024-12-17T16:37:22Z

I’m the Reason for the Season.

Executive Bonus Season, that is.

Effective today, we are phasing out the use of Perfromance ...

2024-11-13T23:23:13Z

Effective today, we are phasing out the use of Perfromance Improvement Plans (PIPs).

Going forward, behavioral and productivity shortfalls will be addressed through Performance Enhancements Nurturing A New Culture of Excellence, or PENANCE.

Nostr event nevent1qqs9htx97uwr5ayz8kx3pj9qhuvh334lrsefax8m98u27rayhn99huqzyrwxkcvgscpp03zs3jh93ekxjvlehm53nghja8drhh5mfhwp5c3kvls8d75

2024-11-10T00:14:52Z

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thy investment portfolio.

Nostr event nevent1qqs27th5r9a88h574lt9599ecpa6arpqv8v3am25snhpw638k3xmryczyrwxkcvgscpp03zs3jh93ekxjvlehm53nghja8drhh5mfhwp5c3kvws2wgt

2024-09-30T17:10:51Z

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Gross.

Nostr event nevent1qqsdzmjsmnkvkz6mhn3mlyjpdu7k3ytn86r4ct274vexjs9x4wx509czyrwxkcvgscpp03zs3jh93ekxjvlehm53nghja8drhh5mfhwp5c3kv86ve6c

2024-09-22T21:57:13Z

Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of ROI.

Click here to accept all cookies into your heart as your Lord and ...

2024-08-22T23:07:14Z

Click here to accept all cookies into your heart as your Lord and Savior.