Nostr notes by Kevin Davy

I suspect the path to follow on Mastodon would be to start a ...

2026-06-01T15:31:08+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…jeu5
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I suspect the path to follow on Mastodon would be to start a group on fedigroups, like Actually Autistics (npub1pce…geep) but specific to neurodivergent burnout. Then spread it as wide as possible. The more people who follow it, the more likelihood of someone being able to answer questions or offer support.

I think, to a point, that this true. Although, I suspect that it ...

2026-06-01T03:48:48+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…gmc2
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I think, to a point, that this true. Although, I suspect that it somewhat depends on the depth of the burnout and damage done, as to how much can be repaired. And also age. There must be a limit to how many times the system can reboot and possibly re-route past damaged areas. Hence why age becomes a factor.

The fact that autism is primarily genetic and runs in families ...

2026-03-23T13:58:18+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…wdlz
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The fact that autism is primarily genetic and runs in families and that normally means for the older generations, unrealised autistics, was also often why many of us struggled to see it in us.
It was just a normal way people behaved, at least in our families. People who otherwise were just functioning members of society. Or at least to us appeared to be.

I was about 6 or 7 before I started to learn to read. By the time ...

2025-11-19T00:32:32+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…a8ge
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I was about 6 or 7 before I started to learn to read. By the time I was 11, I was reading adult fiction.

Glad it seemed to work then. 😀

2025-10-06T04:05:33+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…pnm5
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Glad it seemed to work then. 😀

This is something I've always known about me. If I want to ...

2025-09-27T00:40:16+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…kjje
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This is something I've always known about me. If I want to really remember something, write it down. It used to be the case that the act itself was enough, and I could almost throw the note away at that point and still remember. Now, not so much, age and all that.

My father was born in 1932 and was autistic as the day is long, ...

2025-09-23T01:39:57+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…fkqc
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My father was born in 1932 and was autistic as the day is long, not that anyone noticed. Because being intelligent and being able to cope, pretty much meant you couldn't be in those days. Widening the diagnostic criteria and catching people like him, and me, doesn't mean we weren't autistic before. It just means that we're getting better at seeing what it actually is.

Mostly it's spotting people at work, or in shops. Sometimes ...

2025-08-19T01:56:12+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…gwyp
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Mostly it's spotting people at work, or in shops. Sometimes just walking down the street as I'm driving past. I don't really socialise any more. But, when I did, I do wonder about the people I used to naturally gravitate to.

Definitely. You've attempted it the nice way, now comes the ...

2025-08-15T02:53:04+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…hpm3
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Definitely. You've attempted it the nice way, now comes the consequence of them failing to be a good neighbour. And I'd just call the code enforcement, without even bothering to warn them. They'll know it was you, but won't be able to prove it and if that doesn't work out, then onto plan b, of intimidation and violence. If only against the light. For example, is it within slingshot, or air rifle range?

Apart from looking into the rules for this sort of light in terms ...

2025-08-15T02:25:37+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…fmrg
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Apart from looking into the rules for this sort of light in terms of the local community, or authority. I'm afraid I have nothing, that wouldn't involve me intimidating the crap out of the neighbour, or extreme violence on the light.

@npub10v4…s27h Recently I have been thinking and struggling ...

2025-06-18T01:20:35+02:00

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

Recently I have been thinking and struggling with the double empathy problem of communication that is, in so many ways, the bane of our existence. Like, well, probably all of us, I am used to being misinterpreted, used to my words not be taken at their face value, often despite my great efforts to communicate as clearly as I can, to the point, more often than not, of dumbing down my words to make it as simple as possible. Used to my truths being seen as joking and my jokes, being seen as the truth. Although, to be fair with that one, having a flat effect voice and face and a dry and desolate sense of humour probably doesn't help. But, as used to and as frustrated by all this as I am, every now and again, I am reminded of the other side of this coin.

It is the reason why I started learning allistic at a very young age. Observing, analysing and building up a framework of how and why they communicate. The different approaches they have to it, the more emotive and irrational basis for their communication and why they seemed to follow patterns that made little sense to me, but which obviously did for them. Why I put so much effort into learning to understand and speak this foreign language, or at least to try to. It was simply because that there were so many times when I no more understood them, than they did me. And as good as I have got at this and despite the effort I still pour into it, I still don't.

It's sometimes easy to forget this. That it is as much a me thing, as it is a they thing. That despite all the effort I put in, and they don't, to cross the fundamental divide between us, that divide still exists and sometimes we're very squarely on our side and looking in complete confusion across. It's automatic, I suppose, for me to try and bridge that gap, to blame myself for not being able to and to keep trying to anyway. Like so many of us, I have spent a lifetime being punished for my failures to understand. Or, being gaslit into believing that it is solely my fault, that this is something I should know.

But then, that's the problem. The worrying, the sleepless nights and the situations and conversations on endless loop as I try to understand where things went pear shaped, or what may be coming my way, is all based on the assumption that I can know, or be able to work it out. Whereas the truth is, that sometimes I'll just never know and perhaps it's better to accept that and sleep better.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

This is the one that has always got me. There's very few of ...

2025-04-30T02:43:13+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…ru9x
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This is the one that has always got me. There's very few of us who can't learn, or who can't deal with driving and yet this sort of myth is so widespread that it's another, well I obviously can't be autistic moment, because I can drive. In fact, many of us make a living out of driving. The isolation and skills involved suit us and can make us excel in ways that other suffer.

Lovely and rare 😀

2025-04-30T01:29:46+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…wapa
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Lovely and rare 😀

Can I point out that this is nothing new. It's long been ...

2025-04-22T03:03:39+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…del9
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Can I point out that this is nothing new. It's long been known that certain trees deliberately produce fruit, that when ripe and fallen from the tree is basically booze in a fruit skin. Basically because monkeys and I suppose primates will consume them and then spread the seeds.

Autistics really are the modern day Cassandra's. We see the ...

2025-04-19T04:10:27+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…tg8v
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Autistics really are the modern day Cassandra's. We see the patterns emerging, often years before any one else can, and yet no one ever believes us. We can also be the stubbornest bastards known to man. Especially when push comes to shove. :bear_hugs:

Yikes! The horror. :bear_hugs:

2025-04-18T01:20:21+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…rlqf
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Yikes! The horror. :bear_hugs:

And then the impact of tariffs will add to it and the levels of ...

2025-03-16T02:53:46+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…zp62
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And then the impact of tariffs will add to it and the levels of unemployed. If he continues as he is, it's going to get a hell of a lot worse.

I fear for the US, it's only going to get even more so.

2025-03-16T02:47:42+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…26r8
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I fear for the US, it's only going to get even more so.

@npub10v4…s27h The reasons why many of us didn't realise we ...

2025-03-07T03:42:45+01:00

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

The reasons why many of us didn't realise we were autistic until we were much older, are as many and varied as we are. In large part it was certainly because for most of our lives our understanding, and the understanding in general of what autism was, could best be described as medieval. If we ever did come upon an article or anything to do with autism, we may have seen an echo of ourselves reflected within it, but mostly it just acted to confirm that we didn't fit it at all.

Another major player could well be the way that many of us learnt to mask. We found ways of doing it that we could sustain, in many cases for decades, and that whilst, no doubt, didn't entirely hide the strange, did at least allow us to function within the world. And that is one of the aspects of masking that is often overlooked. It's sheer utility. It's like living in a foreign country and learning to become proficient enough in its language and customs. You don't exactly understand why things have to be done in certain ways and you certainly don't always feel comfortable with some of the hoops you have to go through and the effort it costs. But, you can at least get by without upsetting too many apple carts and by being largely accepted by the locals.

It's one of the reasons why we can struggle to unmask. It's difficult to see why we should give up something that works. In fact, in some respects, it may even be impossible for us to entirely unmask. So much of it has become who we are, as much as a shield to hide behind. But the fact that it was a shield, means that for many of us the effort should still be made. If you're always hiding, then you are never seen. It's not you who are praised, or wanted, or valued. It's not you, who can feel that sense of worth or pride in what you've done, in how you are in the world. It's why many of us, especially if we are lucky enough to find something we enjoy and are good at, become basically workaholics. It's the one area where what we are doing mirrors who we are, and any praise can be felt as if it's earned. And if in all other areas you have self-esteem low enough to out limbo dance an earthworm, then that's no small thing. Because in so many ways, it's experiencing the positive interactions of actually being seen that builds up self-esteem and worth and you can't do that if you are hiding behind a shield.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

I think many of us learnt to use our humour as a masking ...

2025-02-26T04:46:01+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…30dv
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I think many of us learnt to use our humour as a masking technique. Of course, it doesn't hurt that contrary to the misconceptions, we tend to have a really good sense of humour, even if it may be a bit black and bleak.

Liked big bang, couldn't get on with young Sheldon. High ...

2025-02-26T04:32:52+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…7u7h
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Liked big bang, couldn't get on with young Sheldon. High potential, I'm still not sure about, but then I've only watched the first three episodes. Far prefer Astrid.

Unfortunately, I don't think they are thinking about the rest ...

2025-02-19T04:45:11+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…ff4a
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Unfortunately, I don't think they are thinking about the rest of the world. It's all about themselves. About staying in power and avoiding the consequences of their actions. Hence, Musk attacking all the agencies trying to hold him accountable and Trump allowing him to trash the economy and the ability of the structures to hold in him check. Martial law would be the cherry on the cake and allow him the control he really strives for.
How he is dealing with the rest of the world, is a reflection of that, of his ego and the need to be the centre of things, rather than any understanding of what he is doing. It's all about power for him and at the moment those that enabled him to get that, are serving his purpose and will be allowed to do what they are. He doesn't care about their plan for the country, only that he's in charge.
As far as the rest of the world is concerned, this is the death knell for American influence. Most of it already knows what it truly means in terms of violence and interference in their autonomy. But, for the rest, this is the game changer that will either bring them together, or force them to make the choices they might not want to make.

I'm not sure that is still an active account. He's mostly ...

2025-02-11T20:53:11+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…llte
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I'm not sure that is still an active account. He's mostly using Ephemeral Eyes (npub1kys…8jxu) now.

@npub10v4…s27h One of the things that I love about the autistic ...

2025-02-04T02:26:12+01:00

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

One of the things that I love about the autistic community here and which I found very surprising when I first joined, is that so many of us here are older and very much late in realising or being diagnosed as autistic. It makes for a very diverse range of experiences and in many cases opinions. However, it does mean that we tend to share two things in common.

One. We've spent most of our lives knowing only that we didn't belong. More often than not, without knowing why, or even how sometimes. Because, we certainly tried to. My god, did we try to. Often in ways that we shouldn't have and with people that we certainly shouldn't have. Which often led to no small amount of failures and disasters, rejection and betrayal, pain and suffering, trauma and in many cases, PTSD.

Two. That we learnt early to hide, in one way or another. Either literally, in the isolated nooks and crannies that we soon learnt the uncanny art of finding everywhere we had to be. Or, behind the masks we grew to try and fit in, or, at the very least, not to stand out. Because standing out, being actually seen, was always dangerous. It was, perhaps, the earliest lesson that many of us would have learnt. That in the world outside, no matter who you were with, or where you were, you were only a mis-step away from being abused, or criticised. That we were frightfully, truly alone and being you, was to be attacked. So, is it any wonder that we tend to have more than our fair share of anxiety and stress issues, depression and barely, if not even close to being, healed scars.

Now, I'm not saying that we are alone in this, or that it doesn't equally apply to many groups, or other autistics who have been diagnosed earlier. Unfortunately, for so many, far from it. I'm just saying that we just tend to have a rather long and unique history with it. Does it always show up in what we post? No, in fact many of us try very hard to not dwell upon it. We have finally found a place where we belong and a community that we can be ourselves in and why dwell on the dark. It's not as if it is really going anywhere.

But, it does make us very vulnerable to what is going on at the moment. Either because we are directly involved, or because of all the news coming out of America and how we can see people are being affected, especially our friends. It's hard not to feel, not to be overwhelmed by it, especially when you consider how sensitive and emphatic we can be and the nature of our histories. There is just so much.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to it. We can work on filtering our timelines, as much as it can work anyway. We can step away, for a time or for as long is it takes, there's certainly no shame in that. Some of us will want to get involved and some will want to keep on posting as normal. Not because we don't care, or feel anything, but because it's the only way we know how to fight the darkness, of our own history and of the world outside. We will all have to find out what will work for us, because, this isn't ending any time soon, and allow others to do the same.

But to the rest of the Fediverse, if you come to read this. Please remember that there are those of us who are already hurt, who have always been hurting. Who have known nothing but being marginalised and isolated and a target for all the hate that is out there. So, don't be surprised if we ask you to CW your posts, or spell names and hashtags correctly, so that our filters can work. Don't begrudge us posting as normal, our pictures of cats and dogs, our silly humour and tales of normality. It doesn't mean that we don't care, in fact far from it.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

It's not a bad bench and certainly not as lonely as it used ...

2025-01-27T18:54:05+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…tn3j
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It's not a bad bench and certainly not as lonely as it used to be 😊

All so very true. In so many ways we are Cassandra, telling ...

2025-01-27T15:38:51+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…ha6w
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All so very true. In so many ways we are Cassandra, telling truths that no one wants, or is ready, to hear.
So many other times we are oblivious to a world that everyone else expects us to understand and then judged forever on that alone.
It's probably no wonder that they are less than likely to want to acknowledge the Cassandra in us, when our words are proved true.

I love that song.

2025-01-21T04:13:42+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…dlyu
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I love that song.

Whilst I am distanced by an ocean, I know what a devastating day ...

2025-01-20T15:26:55+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…z9g8
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Whilst I am distanced by an ocean, I know what a devastating day this represents to you all. I expect you won't be the only one to need to rant today.
Self-care takes many forms. Sometimes screaming abuse into the void is the only healthy thing to do and certainly better than feeling that you can't do anything.

:bear_hugs:

2025-01-20T15:08:38+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…r54x
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:bear_hugs:

Indeed! Also, learning where they are not, is sometimes just as ...

2025-01-07T03:48:50+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…ty73
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Indeed! Also, learning where they are not, is sometimes just as important.

Yes, I was also lucky to be allowed to try many things. Being ...

2025-01-07T03:43:33+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…elwa
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Yes, I was also lucky to be allowed to try many things. Being supported in this way can make such a huge difference. Especially considering how many I dropped fairly quickly.

@npub10v4…s27h This may be a bit of a weird one, but it ...

2025-01-04T02:42:42+01:00

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

This may be a bit of a weird one, but it essentially falls into an #AskingAutistics question.

I was brought up in the sixties and seventies, by parents who had endured and learnt from the war and post-war austerity. As a family, we lived off my father's government pay cheque, which whilst not bad, wasn't great. So we were never rolling in money. My parents also had, which was common back then, a great aversion to borrowing money and any sort of credit. So, basically, if we couldn't afford it, we didn't get it. Holidays were always camping holidays. Dad went to the car sales when ever he needed to replace our only family car. The only new car we ever had, was because he won it in a competition and even then he drove it into the ground. Well, technically, after years and years of faithful service and maintaining and repairing it himself, he drove it into the back of a van going down a really icy hill late one night. But, you get what I mean. I was basically brought up to value money and be prudent.

The consequence of this, is that I tend to not spend money for the sake of it. I carefully weigh all decisions against whether they are really necessary and whether I can afford it yet. If something is still essentially doing its job, even if far from perfectly, I too will continue to drive it into the ground, (although not into the back of a van yet), with much bodging, (highly temporary, Heath-Robinson type repairs) fixing, cursing and occasional sacrifice to the Elder Gods, before eventually and reluctantly, deeming it worthy of replacement.

However, when I do buy something, I rarely skimp on the cost. As is fairly common with us, I will spend hours researching what I want to buy. What bells and whistles I want on it and which product best fulfils my criteria. Price, within reason, I refuse to pay extra for the sake of a name, is not part of this equation. I also do like treating myself to the occasional shiny new toy. Like, this ThinkPad I am currently typing this out on, especially if I can see enough cause to do so.

But. If something is more speculative and the reason for purchasing it is more about simply treating myself, than a true functionality and a sense that it's adding to the value of what I would be doing with something else. In other words, if it's more of a, because I can and I want one, even though I'm not sure how much I'll use it. Then, no matter how much I can clearly afford it and that it's no big deal, I will always feel guilty about doing so.

So, this is what I am wondering. Whether this is my upbringing speaking. Whether I am just cursed to be as tight as a duck's arse and have to live with this. Or whether, this, like so much else, is an autism thing. Is this sort of reaction to treating ourselves for the sake of it, common? Even a, years of trauma induced low self-esteem, thing, common to us? In which case, can my irritating guilt finally have an answer.

Edit. Thank you all. I think that I have finally cracked it. It is a composite. Of my upbringing. I really, really, hate waste. And of my autistic self, that hates to think that I may not be able to give something as good a home as it deserves. Also of forgetting that if it doesn't work out, I can always try to find a good home for it, so that I can pass it on.
As this thread proves, our brains can be damn complicated at times.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

I'm so glad for that. Whilst I'd like to think that your ...

2024-12-16T01:41:32+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…aq9v
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I'm so glad for that. Whilst I'd like to think that your sister is doing these things to try and motivate you into getting better. Jesus, that's beyond wrong. Neither of these things are idle things, they are necessary, especially your damn meds. 😡

The difference and people's preference doesn't seem to be ...

2024-11-20T04:09:47+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…97fk
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The difference and people's preference doesn't seem to be one of performance, more of how they fit, especially if you wear glasses. If possible, it may not be a bad idea to try each out in a store.

Very few are completely noise-cancelling. The best will always ...

2024-11-20T03:57:40+01:00

In reply to nevent1q…eq02
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Very few are completely noise-cancelling. The best will always leave something, although often distanced and muted enough not to be a bother. At the very worst, I have been known to use both earplugs and headphones at the same time and even then some stuff got through.
In terms of headphones. If you don't need audio, look perhaps for those used by gun enthusiasts. But, if you are looking for ANC and audio, I'm afraid, in this case the more you spend, is definitely the better. Sony and Boche definitely lead the pack with their highest priced models. Although, seeing as there is little difference between the absolute latest and the previous model, you can save on getting the previous one, without making a massive difference in the ANC.

I think that works more for individuals, than it does for groups.

2024-10-14T02:25:25+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…je9x
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I think that works more for individuals, than it does for groups.

@npub10v4…s27h Earlier this evening I spent a very pleasant few ...

2024-09-02T04:29:37+02:00

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

Earlier this evening I spent a very pleasant few hours with the tattered remains of my family, eating really good Chinese food, my favourite, in a not overcrowded restaurant. I enjoyed it a great deal, especially as I don't get to see the widely spread members of my family that often. It was a really pleasant night, spent catching up, joking, laughing and generally being amongst family.

I left though, and please pardon my French, completely fucked. This is something my family will never understand, or even something I could even try and make them understand. But then, how do you even try to explain the following to those you love and yet who have no idea that this is even possible?

For over two hours, I had to try and focus on what five people were saying and not the four other tables I could hear and the conversations that a total of eleven other people were having. Several of which were quite interesting and one of which was more than a little juicy.

That I had to try and understand what my family was saying, in terms of what I know about them and what it meant to them and my best guess of what they weren't saying and perhaps what they were trying to imply and therefore I should know.

That I had to translate my replies into the framework that they would understand and the style of communication that they were expecting and that they could accept.

That so many of the urges I had to express the bleeding obvious had to be curtailed, or at least reframed into acceptable replies.

That energy was being wasted on a level of ingrained masking around them, that with the best will in the world, I can't seem to stop. As much as anything because it has had decades to become entrenched.

That all the time I was hyper aware of my surroundings, the coming and goings of everyone. The staff, the other diners. That the partially sighted man had left his white stick behind when he had gone to the toilet, a fact that I almost got up to point out to a member of staff, just before another one realised that this had happened. Even the meal the nearby table had ordered and the fact that when it was delivered the waiter got it the wrong way round and had to be corrected.

So much processing, so much work being done and sometimes on levels that I can't actually control, because it's purely automatic and instinctual. So much energy expanded on enjoying a wonderful night with my family. And I can't help remembering all the times that my family has wondered and had a go at me for becoming irritable, or unsocial during family events. And all I can think, knowing what I know now, is, if only you could know.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

To finally see ourselves in others, to know that we are not ...

2024-09-02T03:10:30+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…mcl6
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To finally see ourselves in others, to know that we are not alone, or broken or just plain wrong in almost every way, is magical. The impact is hard to describe to anyone who hasn't endured years or decades of self-doubt and self-hatred, because they were so alone and gaslit by society to see that this was their fault and the only solution was to give up everything that made them who they were and become everything that they weren't.

Indeed! It's been strangely uncomfortable and more than a ...

2024-09-02T03:01:00+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…3muy
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Indeed! It's been strangely uncomfortable and more than a little unsettling on the one hand and yet so incredible on the other, to feel the love, respect and understanding here, that I have basically never felt anywhere else. :bear_hugs:

Very well said. ❤️ There's definitely a lot of, been ...

2024-09-02T01:46:29+02:00

In reply to nevent1q…9vvj
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Very well said. ❤️ There's definitely a lot of, been somewhere similar, felt that, know what you're experiencing