hmichellerose on Nostr: For a while the BDSM scene has been confusing to me, and a bit concerning. But, after ...

For a while the BDSM scene has been confusing to me, and a bit concerning. But, after many books and conversations, I think I understand why this exists.

But first, a few very important disclaimers: Consenting adults can do whatever the fuck they want in the bedroom. I am not trying to say that people shouldn’t do these things, or even that they are unhealthy things to do. There clearly seems to be some therapeutic benefit. And I am of course speaking in broad generalities here. Humans are complex, people do these things for a wide variety of reasons.

So let’s go with a typical setup here, a heterosexual pairing with a woman playing the sub role and a man playing the dom role. Alice and Bob.

Alice was brought up in a time and place that taught her that women’s sexuality either didn’t exist, or was very shameful. Because of this sex and shame became fused in her head. Not at all helping this situation is her experiences with sexual abuse. Alice was sexually abused by a close male family member for a time during her adolescence. So not only are sex and shame fused in her head, she also has a hard time differentiating between sex, violence, and love. For her sex is difficult to experience without the themes of violence and shame and a power imbalance.

When dealing with trauma people often do ‘reenactment’ where they attempt to recreate the stories, but this time with a different ending. Or sometimes they recreate in an attempt to process what happened and change their relationship to it.

Alice seeks out interactions with BDSM doms and presents them with a list of her boundaries. A 3 page detailed list of things that are a hard no, things that are a soft no, and things that she’s comfortable with. This formality helps her to regain a sense of control over sexual interactions.

Bob was an awkward and sensitive kid. His mother was erratic, at times manipulative or even abusive. She terrified him, he had no idea how to interact with her let alone connect to her. And as he entered adolescence this fear of his mother extended to women in general.

Bob has generally not done very well with the ladies. He doesn’t know what to say or to do, he has no idea what they do or don’t want from him. He desperately wants them, but has no idea how to go about connecting with them. He feels as if he is a cocaine addict and women are people who unknowingly walk around all day with a briefcase of cocaine handcuffed to their wrist and ignore him.

After a long dry spell Bob began to dabble in the BDSM world. He seeks out women to play the sub role. The formality of these relationships gives him some clarity in a situation that otherwise baffles him. And playing the dom role gives him a sense of control over an act whose absence has felt like constant humiliation.

A BDSM interaction gives them both space to work through these things.