I (31/F) am not comfortable with my trans wife (33/mtf) “breastfeeding” our 4 month old son
Reddit r/relationship_advice
u/ThrowRAbreastfeedq
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/11eon4i/i_31f_am_not_comfortable_with_my_trans_wife_33mtf
I (31F) am not comfortble with my trans wife (33MTF) 'breastfeeeing' our son (4moM). How can we resolve this, or shoule I just come to terms with it?
https://archive.md/2023.02.28-232902/https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11ekplz/i_31f_am_not_comfortable_with_my_trans_wife_33mtf
"I (31/F) met my wife (33/F, transitioned 7yo) 5 years ago. We've been married for 2 years and have a 4 month old boy. Our son is biologically ours - (using my wife's frozen sperm). He's our only kid and everything else is going great for all three of us. I have recently started working again (reduced hours) and she is planning to stay home for another 1-2 months.
Our son has been exclusively breastfed (by me) since I gave birth. Since two weeks after he was born, my wife started complaining that watching me breastfeed was making her dysphoric as she could not do the same. I tried to be understanding as this must have been difficult, but I admittedly didn't really change my behaviour - my wife didn't ask me to stop breastfeeding/pumping in front of her and I don't think that would have been a reasonable request.
She's brought it up many times since and tbh I've started feeling frustrated as I feel there's an implication that I should feel bad for being able to breastfeed. However, she's never said this outright, so I don't know if that's a fair detail to include. Every time she brings it up, I try to be sympathetic, but as she acknowledged that there's nothing we can do, we continued what we were doing.
Fast forward to yesterday, I came home and saw my wife breastfeeding our son. She has had both top+bottom surgery, but does not produce milk (I learned today from an article she sent that some trans women can produce milk, but she does not). I admit my initial reaction was of shock, which I regret. I asked what she was doing, and she said that she was breastfeeding our son. We had a long conversation and she asked me directly if I was uncomfortable with her doing this and I admitted that I was. She asked why and I said that I didn't know. She yelled at me quite a bit (after putting our son in his crib upstairs) about how she would never have expected me to say something so transphobic and that (exact quote) "it's messed up that [I] chose to wait until after we were married and have a kid to show [my] true self." I thought that this was needlessly hurtful and I cried quite a lot after she said this. We agreed to pause the convo and we had a more relaxed discussion this morning.
The conversation was not particularly productive. She asked why I was uncomfortable and I said that I didn't know, but that it felt like it was not fair to our son to have him expect to be breastfed, but not actually receive any milk. She said that pacifiers do the same thing, but I'm not uncomfortable with those and tbh I think that's a good point. She said that there was no reason for me to be uncomfortable with this other than transphobia as it implied that I didn't think her dysphoria was sufficient justification to breastfeed. Honestly, I'm not sure where to go from here. I still am very uncomfortable with it, but as I mentioned, I don't know why. How should I handle this? Please help!
tl:dr: I am feeling uncomfortable with my wife breastfeeding our son, but I don't know why"
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