Uncle Duke

https://universeodon.com/@UncleDuke1969

Does this look infected?

Public Key

npub14weulvzpysazgdx27e0fflfwm0ss82ns2ewf72st6vhysrakalgsft7rzk

NIP-05 Address

Profile Code

nprofile1qqs2hv70kpqjgw3yxn90vh55l5hdhcgr4fc9vhyl9g9axtjgp7mwl5gpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0ds3dtc88

Publishing to

relay.damus.io

nos.lol

Author Public Key

npub14weulvzpysazgdx27e0fflfwm0ss82ns2ewf72st6vhysrakalgsft7rzk

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Last Notes

2026-06-23 13:11:32 UTC

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/799/587/165/658/815/original/d22bebd054405f11.png

2026-06-05 13:21:23 UTC

you’ll eventually fall into the ocean
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/697/702/899/467/329/original/d36f65f0f43b3765.png

2026-05-20 19:52:24 UTC

i gave mine a little hat
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/608/644/989/339/695/original/41c415160402a592.png

2026-05-15 13:22:56 UTC

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/578/801/751/364/018/original/cd0dd07fe36188cc.png

2026-04-23 21:06:24 UTC

theirs was a love that could never be
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/456/052/430/443/607/original/5caa1fc9855dd72c.png

2026-04-22 17:28:06 UTC

The countryside is filled with the sound of tearing earth and the staccato pops of roots coming free from the soil. The ground pulsates a steady rhythm, as through a cloud of flying dirt and floating dust, the enraged horde marches towards the city with a singularity of purpose. The vegans must pay.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/449/531/516/673/542/original/aef55338cf4ec7fa.png

2026-04-21 12:55:17 UTC

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/442/797/546/725/412/original/2c39d0049b88ef0f.png

2026-04-20 13:45:44 UTC

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/437/333/935/889/468/original/dd3c76cc18212c24.png

2026-04-17 12:56:34 UTC

“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So awesome!”
“You are SO immature.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/420/152/844/215/556/original/d18e320b3301497a.png

2026-04-15 13:09:54 UTC

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.

2026-04-14 17:37:52 UTC

"Should I start the grill, honey?"
"Hold off, I want to let the hiker marinate a little longer. Come inside and help me with the salad."
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/404/271/051/712/980/original/17152b71597da255.jpeg

2026-04-09 19:11:48 UTC

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/376/330/480/935/442/original/3f3fe076d1173f44.png

2026-04-09 12:59:12 UTC

John's calves burned with each step, and a sharp pain pierced his abdomen. As he neared the safety of daylight, the sound of webbed feet slapping concrete grew louder. He risked a look over his shoulder, and found himself staring directly into the beady eyes of fate. He screamed.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/374/866/138/244/323/original/9e9ed28142e70667.png

2026-04-08 12:47:15 UTC

"What happened?"
"I’m stuck. It's so embarrassing."
“I guess things went... a-rye?”
“Please do shut up.”
"You should get out of the sun."
"Why?"
"Otherwise, you'll be toast."
"You're an asshole, Charlie."
“You’re right, you deserve butter.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/369/155/839/187/916/original/87cf279759c50c6e.png

2026-04-07 19:43:16 UTC

♫ When you’re a Pet
♫ You’re a Pet all the way
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/365/130/462/226/688/original/fbf6c43a9d968529.png

2026-04-07 12:53:59 UTC

[animal shelter]
“I see Mittens is back again?”
“Yeah, third time now.”
“Who dropped him off?”
“Dunno, some dude with one arm.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/363/520/571/315/199/original/547ee90ad5ca55a0.png

2026-04-05 15:21:36 UTC

about time someone called that motherfucker out
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/352/775/727/533/145/original/2877c6d28ab496c3.png

2026-04-05 01:45:35 UTC

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/349/566/231/568/467/original/d73735d642915fcb.png

2026-04-02 18:48:21 UTC

Clara might not have been the best drummer to respond to the Craigslist ad, but she was the only one that brought cookies to the audition and promised to make everyone in the band matching sweaters.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/336/601/087/038/402/original/cb9a435a83048cc7.png

2026-04-02 13:21:16 UTC

“Quiet night, Jimmy?”
“Yeah. You want that topped off?”
“Not just yet, thanks.”
“Mind if I put on the TV?”
“Anything but the fucking news.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/335/315/848/653/651/original/507cd68295a4f380.png

2026-04-01 01:15:21 UTC

Flashing lights illuminate the scene as a photographer snaps pictures of the mangled corpse. Several yards away, a uniformed officer is vomiting on the sidewalk. An unmarked sedan pulls up, and a detective emerges. Staring down at the body, he slowly removes his sunglasses and whispers, “Found him.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/326/797/800/359/849/original/cb3113f6c8afcef1.png

2026-03-31 17:18:27 UTC

As Gloria’s lifeless body lay in the corner, Phillip sat and admired his haul. He felt no remorse. The woman had been a fool to have trusted him, and she’d deserved her fate.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/324/916/678/562/725/original/7704c6cdfbaac064.png

2026-03-29 12:51:37 UTC

It had been an arduous night; staying on the run, moving from place to place, and hiding in the shadows. But, as the sun peeked out on the horizon, Clarence let out a sigh of relief. Surely the danger had passed. He began to let himself relax. It was then that the vampire struck.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/312/550/887/724/919/original/b49947b5a5ae2df7.png

2026-03-26 13:08:26 UTC

the rare duck-billed platypup
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/295/624/637/733/569/original/c83eb5f09afa3bd8.png

2026-03-23 12:57:38 UTC

except chickens, because fuck chickens
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/278/600/493/634/221/original/cff3fa5cae624939.png

2026-03-21 13:13:00 UTC

“Is this some sort of threat, Emily?”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/267/336/061/152/271/original/d2fefca82b8ba328.png

2026-03-17 12:15:47 UTC

“Bill, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/244/461/168/876/681/original/0249f0d984ff0552.png

2026-03-16 18:58:40 UTC

[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/240/383/629/074/119/original/a9d10a8b6144f8b3.png

2026-03-15 00:56:13 UTC

ME: I thought Tom Jones was a dead English singer, but he’s alive and Welsh.
WIFE: You write some awful jokes.
ME: It’s not unusual.

2026-03-14 13:09:54 UTC

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/227/687/173/717/920/original/cda0a93a643b4e9c.png

2026-03-13 01:22:39 UTC

it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/219/244/161/473/574/original/910419af51a4fe9c.png

2026-03-11 11:58:14 UTC

“Ma’am, my partner and I have done a thorough inspection of your property, and I’m afraid you’re going to need a new flowerbed, several bushes, and you will most likely need to reseed the lawn. If you want, we can work up an estimate and get back to you.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/210/417/215/451/858/original/ac3b3d489cd62494.png

2026-03-10 21:44:05 UTC

There’s nothing like coming home from a long, hard day at work, and finding your mother-in-law’s vehicle parked outside.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/205/591/538/247/786/original/00ea2c489751fe31.jpg

2026-03-10 12:08:10 UTC

Randy Newman: *nods approvingly*
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/204/794/395/640/712/original/d7c1b22daeaa7ffd.png

2026-03-10 01:02:06 UTC

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/202/176/250/952/542/original/030fc2a60b3b3c90.png

2026-03-09 13:03:58 UTC

Phantom of the Opurra
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/199/351/534/776/635/original/fbd40b2834188609.png

2026-03-07 02:28:33 UTC

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/185/528/847/704/344/original/a25371b24024e374.png

2026-03-06 13:40:58 UTC

they’re just begging for a car chase
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/182/510/661/286/371/original/95f2a033d5a67afc.png

2026-03-05 02:12:49 UTC

“Meeting expectations since 1994.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/174/141/353/598/658/original/be29f9847dcaf15b.png

2026-03-04 13:08:54 UTC

David Attenborough [whispering]:
“As the predators close in on their helpless prey, we can only watch in silent horror, for it is not man’s role to interfere in the hierarchy of nature.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/171/060/124/398/930/original/6d7527ef93915c16.png

2026-03-02 17:03:08 UTC

Don’t put ants in your ears
Or bees in your anus
Lick a porcupine once
You’ll find out what pain is
And there’s just one last thing
One final reminder
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/160/657/843/595/282/original/05c0bd0d9ffc7ace.png

2026-03-02 13:41:18 UTC

Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/159/862/566/558/631/original/b5b0227ec49fc4f7.png

2026-03-02 01:42:15 UTC

i hope they remembered to save their game first
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/157/034/657/076/075/original/7fa8cb9c484824d1.png

2026-02-28 18:03:48 UTC

“Stanley, don’t forget you promised to put together the crib this weekend.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/149/570/815/244/019/original/22b675dafbe4034c.png

2026-02-24 17:43:59 UTC

He's no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they're the snooziest
He can't make smalltalk
He's just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he's the choosiest
He's
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/126/843/964/108/241/original/3e5b92d87c8c44b3.png

2026-02-23 19:12:37 UTC

psychiatrist: you seem distracted
me: i have "tom's diner" in my head
psychiatrist: that's a catchy song!
me: yeah it is
psychiatrist: how long has it been stuck in your head?
me: since 1987, that's why i'm here

2026-02-21 14:27:35 UTC

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.

2026-02-19 14:35:39 UTC

HR: What's your complaint?
ME: Bill is a giant asshole.
HR: Please, I need you to be more formal.
ME: Sorry, WILLIAM is a giant asshole.

2026-02-18 17:55:56 UTC

With all due respect to Robert Frost, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that the 'road less traveled' always leads to a cabin occupied by a family of murderous hillbillies.

2026-02-17 20:31:53 UTC

tern left and bear right
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/087/867/313/399/056/original/7a93e85c697f82b4.png

2026-02-17 17:50:20 UTC

it’s always disappointing when i think i’ve found a good picture to caption but it doesn’t bear fruit
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/087/226/619/738/714/original/9034148801ea4c99.png

2026-02-12 02:00:57 UTC

Sincerely, L. Cohen
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/055/186/564/886/465/original/fd4791a860c471ca.png

2026-02-11 13:46:56 UTC

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: ...
wife: I mean it
me: ...
wife: ...
me: lion there
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/052/294/407/270/005/original/71952b4336edf092.png

2026-02-09 21:00:49 UTC

the use of performance enhancing drugs by olympic athletes is getting out of hand
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/042/675/033/315/936/original/abce8f5a890fa682.png

2026-02-08 02:56:00 UTC

- reply

https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/032/756/316/229/662/original/ec2712c45429441b.png

2026-02-08 02:29:07 UTC

Dumplings,
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/032/648/538/481/950/original/5ff756c4b5712e4a.png

2026-02-06 01:54:13 UTC

well that’s very specific
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/021/180/746/278/651/original/f1595188fa419af4.png

2026-02-03 19:57:17 UTC

“Hey, who’s the new girl?”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/008/459/834/064/646/original/b52aaf84fb12dfdf.png

2026-02-02 19:31:09 UTC

“One duck, please.”
“Plain or fancy?”
“Fancy, please.”
“Coming right up.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/116/002/694/414/065/759/original/7e9d170d614c7006.png

2026-02-01 22:24:28 UTC

my mother explaining EXACTLY how she wants her food prepared as my father silently pleads with the server not to spit in it
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/997/713/445/235/010/original/9a08363c200d9d57.png

2026-02-01 02:27:24 UTC

seems like there’s got to be a better way to let them know
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/993/004/123/986/268/original/3a8ecf629941779e.png

2026-01-29 18:08:32 UTC

“I’m fucking cold. You, Harvey?”
“So fucking cold. Fred?”
“F-f-fucking cold. Jim?”
“I’m real fucking cold, Fred. Dave?”
“Holy shit, I’m fucking cold. Allen?”
“Can’t feel my fucking feet. Terry?”
“I’m fucking cold, too. Annie?”
“My fucking beak is frozen. Kip?”
“I’M FUCKING COLD.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/979/716/364/079/799/original/b095cbae5dcb5b05.png

2026-01-29 13:58:22 UTC

Barry kept himself in shape for work by spending three days a week at the gym and one at the bowling alley.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/978/737/294/826/708/original/be0c860038e8c48b.png

2026-01-27 17:22:20 UTC

“You’re my only friend, Mr. Snowball.”
“I’m not your friend, Dan.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/968/207/793/228/951/original/5f8e9ac10a3f37b2.png

2026-01-27 14:00:31 UTC

This newspaper would like to offer our sincerest apologies to Mr. McEldroon, his lovely wife Peggy, and their beautiful children, Michael and Sally. We recently visited them at their home, located at 18 Maplewood Lane, to express our regrets personally.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/967/419/249/142/955/original/b6c4999b2f715533.png

2026-01-22 16:14:16 UTC

“BECKY, BEHIND YOU!”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/939/635/640/232/239/original/75342a3597c0766a.png

2026-01-21 17:22:02 UTC

Despite their intimidating appearance, Canadian dogs are actually quite affectionate.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/934/239/206/659/744/original/fb60629374302c6b.png

2026-01-19 00:32:56 UTC

wife: your life insurance premium paid up?
me: yeah
wife: good
me: why?
wife: no reason
me: ...
wife: ...
me: ...
wife: here, taste this

2026-01-08 23:51:02 UTC

“Your grandmother worked very hard on it. Just one more, then you can take it off and go play with your friends.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/862/153/869/409/459/original/ae145f235cea7f29.png

2026-01-08 14:18:40 UTC

“I knew I should’ve taken that left turn at Albuquerque.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/859/906/551/118/953/original/b746ebb97398cfc3.png

2026-01-08 02:08:47 UTC

“Sorry ladies, things got a little bumpy back there. If you want, we can turn around and go look for ‘em.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/857/037/692/542/643/original/e8f621efb818fb7a.png

2026-01-07 14:21:16 UTC

“So I says to her, I says, Bernice, I think we should see otter people. Ha! I guess you had to be there.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/854/255/899/190/008/original/57fa5e7a7b0fbd4a.png

2026-01-06 19:13:57 UTC

you’d think she’d look happier
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/849/739/730/722/536/original/6d112231d298d7b9.png

2026-01-05 14:09:47 UTC

“Morning, Stan.”
“Hey, Artie.”
“I like the new roof thingy.”
“It’s called a 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘰𝘭𝘢.”
“Oooh… pardon moi.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/842/887/199/794/891/original/7c8581a9b1cc3847.png

2026-01-04 01:36:25 UTC

I wanted to take her to Poundtown, but only got as far as
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/834/261/056/340/373/original/56c3b37d952c69a5.png

2026-01-03 14:20:45 UTC

Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, Otto.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/831/602/279/140/467/original/0274908b60534c50.png

2026-01-01 14:35:51 UTC

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/820/340/506/401/277/original/511be7f9767a3223.png

2025-12-31 17:04:06 UTC

building a playground for the local waterfowl is a great idea if your community can swing the bill
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/815/257/182/834/955/original/35957f0d0c7ce827.png

2025-12-31 13:54:30 UTC

that’s one long mermaid
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/814/512/737/151/651/original/503b5abee75816cb.png

2025-12-30 14:19:51 UTC

probably because they have to keep stopping to pick up their backpacks
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/808/952/159/822/820/original/f263f25b9d6a72ee.png

2025-12-28 15:39:01 UTC

David Attenborough [whispering]:
“Like a grain of sand in a vast desert, the predator blends seamlessly into its environment, nearly imperceptible to the naked eye.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/797/937/598/959/461/original/c438b2dad69f3197.png

2025-12-27 14:28:47 UTC

“When I was your age, we didn’t have no pretty box filled with fancy-dancy, clumping, odor-eliminating, space-age kitty litter. We walked twelve miles, uphill, in the snow, to shit in a rotting old wooden bucket full of rusty razor blades, and we considered ourselves damn lucky.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/791/994/065/910/218/original/61bddd74e2a601a2.png

2025-12-27 01:40:25 UTC

his mother must be terribly disappointed
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/788/977/100/348/701/original/ecbb43c35f374f91.png

2025-12-26 13:29:29 UTC

him: license and registration, please
me: *slides him fish*
him: ...
me: *slides him another fish*
him: have a good day, sir
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/786/103/812/895/094/original/48ef4930a9e0376d.png

2025-12-25 16:56:00 UTC

“Can you tell us what you do?”
“Mostly just loaf around.”
“Wow, that was terrible.”
“Well, it killed at our Christmas party.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/781/252/686/069/936/original/9e18d91052a003cd.png

2025-12-24 18:48:52 UTC

Grandpa: I was at Normandy.
Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.
Me: I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.
Everyone: *gasps*

2025-12-24 14:46:01 UTC

- Housebroken
- Great with kids and adults
- Thrice-divorced
- Masters in English Literature
- Marxist
- Loves to cuddle
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/775/078/959/039/820/original/46554cc6883c5157.png

2025-12-23 19:17:27 UTC

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddamn buy cookies.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/770/484/352/833/950/original/b18c1aae9bff9220.png

2025-12-22 13:32:51 UTC

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/763/468/266/895/919/original/efc5832d67be2733.png

2025-12-21 18:53:45 UTC

“Know what I got for Hanukkah?”
“What?”
“A new vacuum cleaner.”
“Well, that sounds nice!”
“Eh, it’ll probably just gather dust.”
“Haha! Good one, Morty!”
“Thanks, Irving.”
“You should go tell Saul that one.”
“Good idea! Be right back.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/759/067/754/680/292/original/db43c4ec5bc3624a.png

2025-12-17 16:15:44 UTC

[North Pole, 3am]
“You got the stuff?”
“You got my money?”
“I wanna see them first.”
“Here you go, 50 squeaky toys.”
“How’s the quality?”
“100% pure, unchewed.”
“Santa won’t notice them missing?”
“You let me worry about that.”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/735/796/358/783/674/original/5a6bc66e69884ce3.png

2025-12-17 13:37:08 UTC

Bravo, anonymous hero.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/735/173/006/591/187/original/51d11d60be65e711.png

2025-12-16 14:17:24 UTC

“I asked you not to do it. I said, Charlie, please don’t make your stupid joke, it’s not funny. But, still, when the waiter brought the check, what did you say? What did you say, Charlie?”
“No thanks, I’ve already got a big bill.”
“It’s like going out to dinner with my father!”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/729/669/188/506/456/original/aa749fe84ea82bc5.png

2025-12-16 01:38:07 UTC

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there,” and I have not felt that level of job satisfaction since.

2025-12-14 16:20:51 UTC

“Bambi? Yeah, I know Bambi. Great guy. Fuckin’ shame what happened to his mom. Crap, I’m sorry. You can bleep that out, right?”
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/718/827/211/727/750/original/8f881f67ec8dd305.png

2025-12-14 14:07:27 UTC

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

2025-12-13 19:57:10 UTC

- reply

Rudolph [on cell phone]:
Yeah, cops just popped the boss. He wants Lucky, or one of the other elves to pull 50k out of the safe in the toy shop. He says the missus has the combination. Then, get one of the backup reindeer to run it down to St. Paul, ASAP. Minnesota, you idiot. Don’t fuck this up.

2025-12-13 16:25:44 UTC

♫ He shouldn’t have run
♫ He shouldn’t have tried
♫ They found coke in the sleigh
♫ And an old forty-five
♫ Santa Claus is going downtown
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/713/187/314/397/558/original/d9e304f320aa2954.png

2025-12-11 20:35:24 UTC

Gambling debts, two divorces, and a cocaine habit had left R2-D2 nearly broke. One night, drunk on White Claws, he drives his Porsche through the front window of a Santa Monica Walgreens, losing both his legs. Finding himself on the street, he now takes odd jobs just to survive.
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/702/845/337/771/745/original/7bcc628ec5f96bfa.png

2025-12-10 18:05:58 UTC

CENTURIES-LONG GLOBAL HOME INVASION SPREE FINALLY ENDS
https://media.universeodon.com/media_attachments/files/115/696/594/878/470/630/original/74ed67c88c9b10d0.png