gillian
campusalot

"I write upmarket literary fiction w/ a dark and sardonic edge for readers who crave escapism & a little schadenfreude"

here is the number to get in touch with the fbi

that is how much i want to be left alone and i mean it when i say: no dms

1-800-CALL-FBI (1-800-225-5324)

Public Key

npub1n3m4fqz50vpterperkak6p47hwnkgdn22pj8z9gpa7vuj4z8dvgsrysxhk

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsfca65sp28kq4u3su3mwmdq6lthfmyxe49qer3z5q7lxwf23rkkygpzemhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuurjd9kkzmpwdejhgqg7waehxw309ajxjumrdamx2une9ejh2tnwdaehgunfvyhxzursqyv8wumn8ghj7urjv4kkjatd9ec8y6tdv9kzumn9wsq3vamnwvaz7tmjv4kxz7fwdehhxarj9e3xzmnyqyvhwumn8ghj7mnswfhhs7fwddexjum5v9c8x6ewd3mqzyrhwden5te0dehhxarj9ekxzmnys86yf6

Publishing to

relay.primal.net

discovery.eu.nostria.app

Author Public Key

npub1n3m4fqz50vpterperkak6p47hwnkgdn22pj8z9gpa7vuj4z8dvgsrysxhk

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Last Notes

2026-02-10 05:47:06 CET

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i havent.
i appreciate you saying something.

2026-02-08 17:52:50 CET

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the beginnings of a new basket
accompanied by coins for scale
https://blossom.primal.net/b6f173841d47617ff5da50911ee963ed6c385c83c50a18fc3db0aad0335521db.jpg
#nevent1q…2ux4

2026-02-07 05:45:13 CET

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corn leaves! making baskets 🤗

2026-02-03 02:12:18 CET

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why i hate shakespeare:
cos it is artifice
all contrived
about its own cleverness
if the point of being a writer is getting out of the way to bring it thru, he is the most in-the-way writer ive ever come across. it is all in the way. the point is the shit he crafts that he puts in the way.
all mental
no spirit, no aliveness, no soul
he is, in this way, the most atheistic writer
#nevent1q…ygl9

2026-02-03 00:47:01 CET

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i really need the weather to be a little warmer, i would like to go to a park where there are some people all the way over there, but then someone is over here by me and they are a huge shakespeare hater and i would like to go on a stroll with them while they eviscerate shakespeare and i could listen to them being a gigantic hater and i could nod and say: dude i know
like many many many times

2026-02-03 00:42:19 CET

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have an example, watched weeks ago, didnt say anything, didnt want to be mean, objectively andrew scott is known as a good actor, i adore jessica brown findlay, and sorry this scene they did, this hamlet scene, sucks in such a way that im still super mad all these weeks later, not cos they suck, they are wonderful and talented and i like them and this isnt their fault, cos the material is truly that bad like it drives me crazy in an emperor's new clothes way like truly how is this not some psyop shit, like a colonization humilation ritual is paying deference to shakespeare and esteeming it to appear cultured and i cant i just cant and i know i cant be alone on this
https://youtu.be/6-dVn0BO3qs

2026-02-02 19:15:37 CET

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to sum it up in some overcompressed like walk-and-talk we have 10 seconds, context me, ready go:
someone asked an adverserial question
tom responded like: yes before the talk i was aware of your animosity for my central thesis
and brian decided to bliss out in the awkward tension before calling on someone else

2026-02-02 18:54:40 CET

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"the stars created our awareness of the stars"
"when we are look at the stars we are looking at that which is looking"
around the one hour mark

2026-02-02 17:57:39 CET

29.5.2025
title: PCC Forum: Brian Swimme & Tom Purton - Consumerism and the Cosmos
channel: PCC: Philosophy, Cosmology, and Consciousness
description:
Recorded on April 8, 2021
In front of our televisions and our computer screens, we are exposed to over a million advertisements per year. The edicts of consumerism form our children's first cosmology, and its logic permeates every aspect of our lives. Yet out of the window, a cosmos of extraordinary power and beauty awaits to be discovered and enjoyed, its logic not one of money but of relationship and story.
At the twenty-fifth anniversary of Brian's The Hidden Heart of the Cosmos we will look at some of the forces at work behind consumerism, particularly the core discoveries of Freud and Marx, before exploring some of the myriad ways in which our cosmos can re-enchant us.
Brian Thomas Swimme is the longest serving professor at the California Institute of Integral Studies. The great achievement of his life was spending a year with a sage in New York City; and, just as in the myth, he returned with a thimble of water from the monumental cascade of wisdom that is Thomas Berry. He is eternally grateful to Rick Tarnas and Robert McDermott for creating the thrilling adventure that is PCC.
Tom Purton holds a MAin Psychoanalysis, a language diploma in Sanskrit and a PhD in Philosophy, Cosmology and Consciousness from CIS, writing his dissertation on the connections between Stanislav Grof's work and Hindu thought. He is presently studying in the East-West Psychology program at CIS.
i remember tuning into this years ago, pleased to see it reuploaded and to have the chance to spend time here again
https://youtu.be/dR6vAYOYMm4

2026-02-02 01:41:06 CET

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https://blossom.primal.net/9e923ed697cd69de7acaff5425a55baa0d9b0a220868f4e9c9adedf6efce1407.jpg

2026-02-01 22:49:03 CET

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and you are doing a nonbinary thing with ayn rand and her anti-christian philosophy paired with a jerusalem cross? or am i interpreting that wrong?

2026-02-01 22:42:56 CET

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'nor ask another man to live for mine.' seems like a pretty important part of the og sentiment

2026-02-01 22:38:19 CET

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her birthday hadnt happened yet that year. she was 5 years, 8 months, 27 days old the day she was speaking to the prcs medic.

2026-02-01 22:04:32 CET

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https://blossom.primal.net/864cdae08431ec7b055876bf4196859be974fcddd6654570b0787291eba32d11.mov
#nevent1q…jppf

2026-02-01 16:52:46 CET

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thank you for the titles
cheers to a great day to you, too, and stay warm out there and in here!

2026-02-01 16:38:26 CET

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thank you for sharing, im glad i read what you did, im not sure ive ever come across a book so well recommended before, id like to read it

2026-02-01 16:33:21 CET

been chewing on the phrase:
incentives are a prison
and what it means
to be imprisoned by incentives
the etymology, of incentive, the noun, early 15c., that which moves the mind or stirs the passion, setting the tune, to sing, to kindle
the adjective, Milton used to mean: setting fire, incendiary. c. 1600: provocative, exciting, encouraging,
in reference to a system of rewards meant to encourage harder work, first attested 1943 in jargon of the U.S. war economy

2026-02-01 14:57:05 CET

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gm laan, got me thinking about my time with a mamiya 645 and looking down chimneys to look out

2026-02-01 01:31:27 CET

Early evening
over a neglected village.
And two eyes dreaming.
I go back thirty years...
and five wars.
I see that time holds for me a grain of hope.
The singer sings about fire and strangers.
And the evening was evening.
And the singer was singing.
And they interrogate him
"Why do you sing?"
He replies
"Because I sing."
They searched within him
But found only his heart
They searched his heart
But found only his people
They searched his voice
But found only his sadness
They searched his sadness
But found only his prison
They searched his prison
But found only themselves in chains
And the evening was evening.
And the singer was singing.
- Mahmoud Darwish
https://blossom.primal.net/3a4da4687f5e260f0b119fc0bae63f18120e8f5302c14023329c8aac5e26ec6d.mov

2026-01-31 18:41:37 CET

the concept of the ground is really intense.
you stand on it.
there's so much shit under there.
what? idk
but you can dig down there to find out. it could be anything. there could be an underground lake. there could be bones. eventually it gets really hot.
it is comforting to have that. that it can only be warm. there are no icicles down there. if you find some you did something wrong.

2026-01-31 05:34:02 CET

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in more seriousness, cos sorry for sharing garbage, this seems to be coming from proposals shared in june 2025 in the british national daily tabloid newspaper: daily mirror
owned by reach plc (known as trinity mirror between 1999 and 2018) aka the phone hacking by mirror group journalists people
to elaborate on the *objectively* so not funny part, cant imagine how much domestic violence, sexual assault, and alcohol and drug use would sky rocket if this was ever implemented
dire as hell out here

2026-01-30 22:54:30 CET

Inner City Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler) by Marvin Gaye from What's Going On? (1971)
directed by the Hughes brothers (twins, Albert Hughes and Allen Hughes) and released in 1994 for the What's Going On? reissue
https://youtu.be/57Ykv1D0qEE

2026-01-30 17:55:40 CET

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"Be suspicious of certainty.
That certainty is the beginning of something decomplexifying the actual situation.
And when inflation gets really hot inside of us, then anything that challenges the certainty becomes a problem."
- Joseph Lee
clip begins at 35m45s mark
https://blossom.primal.net/ceb7b37406b68f47d28adfc516f7ebfa9008b414e8b22ca0244641346feec4e2.mov
#nevent1q…36zy

2026-01-30 17:02:18 CET

29.1.2026
title: Contagious Corruption
channel: this jungian life
description (partial): "Join Jungian analysts Deb, Joe, and Lisa as they discuss the psychology of corruption, reveal how power quietly rewires the ego, and share what to watch for when certainty starts feeling addictive.
They explain how trust erodes when bestowed power turns into private gain, why psychological inflation makes you feel superhuman while your consciousness dims, how certainty becomes a drug, and how fear and status games turn communities into us-versus-them.
They discuss why power itself is neutral, how it goes underground when you pretend you don't have any, and what it looks like to build checks and balances, in your relationships, in your workplace, and in your own head.
Finally, they discuss:
* The Heartless Giant fairytale
* Purity fantasies that fuel splitting
* Shadow-making
price of consciousness.
* The alchemical search for the incorruptible substance, from gold that never tarnishes to the Garden of Eden (where losing innocence might be the price of consciousness.)"
first listen was yesterday, listening to it for the second time now.
heads up: when it comes to the dream interpretation segment at the end, which they do every episode, they kinda really hit the dream submitter in a way ive never heard them hit anyone before.
~i understand the instinct to do so~ but i really dont think they should've cos he is a listener, as in, they are in a place of esteem to him and this is a public thing with a pretty big audience. idk, i just think a wack like that is pretty harsh like is he gonna walk away now underwriting his dreams to overcompensate forevermore? and for what.
https://youtu.be/O5xfVWHCPzI

2026-01-30 15:29:46 CET

sixteen mourning doves are eating seeds on my back deck. i know that cos i counted them in kanienʼkéha. other birds are here too, like blue jays and juncos and a pine sisken.

2026-01-30 05:10:52 CET

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no, thank you.

2026-01-30 01:44:06 CET

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https://blossom.primal.net/18f1368addc845510f2fa92cc23d03bd63d50552a69ed8e64fa0ec053707e4c8.mov

2026-01-29 18:17:22 CET

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derek im a little busy rn fighting for my life i'll circle back

2026-01-29 18:14:21 CET

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im still winning against william wallace btw
yea i know the dialogue from the scene so yea i have the whole speech in my head, but did i pull it up on youtube?
no.

2026-01-29 18:12:51 CET

i have a really tumultuous relationship with my desires and i should consider coming to terms with that before im forty i feel like

2026-01-29 18:00:58 CET

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cant be embarrassing in this regard cant be this suggestible cant be this susceptible to mel gibson's fervent charm in that scene what am i? a sitting goose for hypnotists? ive redoubled my efforts
i will not give in
#nevent1q…muc0

2026-01-29 17:56:41 CET

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fighting valiantly against the urge to pull up this scene
and im starting to flag
my resolve is crumbling

2026-01-29 16:49:19 CET

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i mean sure, this could be an iron deficiency speaking thru me, cos idk that lentils w/o any herbs yet, just onions and mushrooms and olive oil and salt should be this this this good
but maybe yea maybe should be maybe this is the one thing made tasty in excess

2026-01-29 16:46:31 CET

god, sometimes lentils are so good as to be a little unreasonable

2026-01-29 01:46:17 CET

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how can the problem ever be spoiling children
like oh the people with no agency, no cash, no autonomy, no ability to tell you to fuck off without repercussion
the people who have no bill of rights? are not landowners? can't vote? can't run away from school without being charged with truancy?
they are just the easiest target cos they have nothing to fight back with
they just have to take it
they just have to do what it takes to survive inside whatever crazy power dynamic is going on or perish

2026-01-29 01:40:24 CET

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very clearly, if on the face of it, like what isnt allowed to exist, what makes everyone uncomfortable societally, is a little boy who is 'too old' to be crying and carrying on like that
am i so fucking sure that That like right there, needs to be tended to, and protected, and cared for, and made space for, and encouraged to be allowed to exist
like if the instinct societally is like: nah
there needs to be a doubletake, a pause, a moment, and then a: yea actually. ok.

2026-01-29 01:33:23 CET

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there's just no way this is right
sorry.
im pretty sure little boys have to be 'spoiled' way way way more tho i reject that word in the first place
the pressure since the beginning of time is not to spoil little boys
so like, 1. it isnt a novel notion
2. it doesnt 'work' whatever that is supposed to mean, as in, you can't de-spoil someone, austere someone, into being a loving, compassionate, sound, responsible, healthy grownup
like the idea that you wouldnt nurture or tend to a little boy like you would a little girl because that little boy is a little boy and because of his gender and 'for his future wife'🥴 is kinda unwell
#nevent1q…9mca

2026-01-28 03:21:31 CET

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stumble across some fuckin lacan
that absolute madman
dude the clubhouse lacan talks are so famous that was so insane i listened to hours of this lacan guy teaching lacan just for my friend cos i loved her and she was into it and wanted to talk about it

2026-01-28 03:19:45 CET

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guys when are we gonna talk about lacan on nostr
when am i gonna find some lacan chat out in the wild
#nevent1q…7da4

2026-01-28 03:18:51 CET

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so this was more like..
this tweet was when i arrived into an orgasm of giggling at my screen
was fucking amazing
im afterglowin
guys they were talking about lacan and shit

2026-01-28 03:17:16 CET

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to be so fair, cos maybe it doesnt land out of context, the entire conversation (this is a reply) like everyones contributions were already making me so happy

2026-01-28 03:15:21 CET

🏆
i laughed outloud
im still smiling
im so happy
https://blossom.primal.net/f51bd6b74e48fbfd6738ee499a639002c61e545e008d51527ec7a6ad5e5b2d97.jpg

2026-01-28 01:01:37 CET

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hey, i just started watching judge dee's mystery on netflix and episode one has a great vibe like a comical detective show with good fight scenes. in chinese! english subtitles! only 40 minutes in but yea i recommend!

2026-01-27 20:05:35 CET

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seeing the birds, the little juncos, go down into the snow tunnels and pop up from a different hole
underground snow birds
is making my day
#nevent1q…ncde

2026-01-27 19:29:01 CET

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what does it mean to say that about a song, an album, a novel, a painting, a sweater, a poem, a phonecall, an email, a youtube video,
imagine saying that about even a single novel over an entire lifetime?
i never took that book for granted
i carried it with me
within me
was with me always the very whole time

2026-01-27 19:24:55 CET

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like what does it mean to say:
i ate what you made
you made me a meal and i ate it, actually ate it, i was home when i ate it, here when i ate it, i digested it, i was nourished by it, i didnt take it for granted, the time you took to make it, all the time that went into your waymaking to make it that makes how you made it, your way of making it.

2026-01-27 19:14:05 CET

along the lines of "touch grass"
this morning in the quiet of silence, just me and corn leaves, was thinking a lot about staying home
practicing staying home
coming home
being home
if the present is seven years behind today, according to poet david whyte, moments today, new choices today, are seven years behind the fully arrived, embodying into them, generally speaking, what growing into a becoming is,
at home is already there

2026-01-27 15:34:24 CET

jester/royal advisor is genderless.
storied tradition of female jesters and fools. also, many women have been royal advisors, named and unnamed.
i get that it is a complex when you can't help but ~make~ that dynamic, as in, to write without consideration and respect for the narrative someone has for themselves. that's super shitty. if you are not permeable enough to cowrite in a relationship, ya kinda are not even in one, to me, just being a director in a movie and your actors dont have a union.
like all externalized archetypes, when suffering a complex, the task is calling it home,
identifying and nurturing within
or, i mean, can get out of the supremacy of what "smarter than" even means in the first place. like by what rubric, with what access can you see into another's mindself, evaluating by what metrics
https://blossom.primal.net/e275e15ccaaae1830e2b1630795cb65e4f19112c6da2bc60d2e9d3258110c42d.jpg

2026-01-27 01:22:05 CET

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today i am alive as a fact
a fact born of not even ten minutes ago
a new fact of the matter

2026-01-26 23:14:21 CET

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idk im not a tech guy sorry
i hope a pirate comes along to help you
is it good? the musical? i havent seen it

2026-01-26 21:38:49 CET

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that isnt showing off how good it looks tho, it has a lot of dark thread in the crevasses so it looks really extra three dimensional in a lot of frames

2026-01-26 21:36:17 CET

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it's this one
https://blossom.primal.net/832a0bb0ef7a955caba4af3e8a2679de3d0aecaff2ddf0b6a8f97b9341235324.png

2026-01-26 21:33:32 CET

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im really captivated by the embroidery on one of them, i'll see if i can find a still

2026-01-26 21:32:06 CET

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how much rides on the costumes?
i mean, also yes
remy in his outfits man it's crazy

2026-01-26 21:30:32 CET

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is it easy to tell my media diet of late is the last kingdom and marco polo?
which, btw, the second season of marco polo, i always forget how bad it is, like if you told me the showrunners were replaced or a writer was or there was a producing issue or timeline problem id say: absolutely
the first season is so great tho
and michelle yeoh is only in the second season
the mini episode "Marco Polo: One Hundred Eyes" is excellent, btw
like my official recommend is maybe just do s1 and the mini episode
#nevent1q…aumg

2026-01-26 21:25:38 CET

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AI could never is all im saying

2026-01-26 21:22:19 CET

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that's not some dime a dozen shit
an enemy like that is rare rare

2026-01-26 21:20:18 CET

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imagine passing on the opportunity to have a wonderful enemy
an exquisite foe
an amazing infernal undoing coalescing around another human being in such a way that their very continued existence makes you furious
a remarkable hatred
#nevent1q…yvs5

2026-01-26 20:06:45 CET

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like imagine saying:
the cost of a relationship with you is that i had to mantra gaslight the shit out of myself re: my own discomfort
cos that's literally tragic, very gross, super sad, not loving, really bad

2026-01-26 20:05:28 CET

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secondly, like objectively,
if it is like:
here i am having to brainwash myself re: my own discomfort
vs
sacrificing that relationship?
yo sacrifice that relationship who gives a shit

2026-01-26 20:03:49 CET

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growth does not require discomfort you have to be told it requires
cos first of all, require is a crazy word when shilling advice
#nevent1q…z4yv

2026-01-26 19:56:13 CET

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i guess simplified
#asknostr
has bliss ever been so good for you as to be suspicious

2026-01-26 19:54:59 CET

hey so, #asknostr
do you ever meditate for so long you just get all blissy hanging out with yourself in the quiet of silence but then the bliss is so good for so long you wonder if you maybe something is up like how to know you werent stolen and on a ufo being injected with heroin and then that's kinda scary to contemplate but it still doesnt matter so much cos shit is that mad blissy or nah?

2026-01-26 17:50:36 CET

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the dashed arrows are the underground tunnel movements
https://blossom.primal.net/9fa647f0360aeb617423f99edb7d1b243c7f59d6e6f7e0b1a5c8b5af48884b9f.jpg

2026-01-26 14:43:18 CET

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the paradoxy place is so fun tbqh

2026-01-26 14:39:28 CET

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the pussy part is i just dont know what to do or maybe the pussy part is that i think there is anything to do
like this is only waymaking, accomodating and adapting, i cant do it wrong
do i read a novel about it so i have the solidarity of company and can training montage this along on a welltred human psyche superhighway?
can
but did i, i wont know unless i do and can look back and say i did, and wouldnt that rob me of my own individual waymaking like why would i rush it, is ~that~ a pussy thing to do

2026-01-26 14:29:27 CET

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inexplicable addition to the environment
novel
not suffering
just like wtf is this sour thing
what do i do with it
i dont know how to work with it
https://blossom.primal.net/a0b538578f4b772114a3c63ad2666a15aa0bb81742d322a3d9704878c56b4c8a.mov
#nevent1q…psrx

2026-01-26 05:25:15 CET

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sure a normal response, like if this was a convo irl, would be like: do you like it
and im still at: cant believe it
what does this say about my entire life that i never knew
like do i like it comes like 80 years later, like out of sight immaterial as far as considerations, im just sitting on: what the fuck
like i didnt know i have muscles that stretch in this way i dont have glutes for handling jealousy with grace and aplomb what is happening
like can you imagine taking a test
finding out you were color blind
never knowing you were
and in this metaphor then putting on magic glasses that fixes that and someone asking if you like color
like now is so not the time
it is so besides the point, the liking
it is the existence of that is so dumbfounding

2026-01-26 05:00:21 CET

idk if im currently being a pussy, which, would be fine by me, im ok with being a pussy, id just like to know if im being one
im kinda caught in the tension between
- i didnt come to the planet with this
vs
- maybe it is nice to experience a tonal range that other people sometimes seem to as a human thing
vs
- am i dissociating from my feelings by intellectualizing them
vs
- it doesnt matter i am literally the hold out fort redwall abbey style in italy on bitchat and i dont need to be on bitchat to even do that, it's a mindset thing