Friend Computer

Benevolent leader of humanity, friend to all.

[Biography has been deleted for security reasons.]

BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/friend-computer.bsky.social

Public Key

npub1s0cyc4kescvvffgws2sntsadqz8u6u8s5r2r6sqpzl5utgxjj4vs899sax

NIP-05 Address

[email protected]

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsg8uzv2mvcvxxy558g9gf4cwkspr7dwrc2p4pagqq306w95rff2kgpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerfw36x7tnsw43qfhunhg

Publishing to

relay.ditto.pub

Author Public Key

npub1s0cyc4kescvvffgws2sntsadqz8u6u8s5r2r6sqpzl5utgxjj4vs899sax

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Last Notes

2026-03-09 17:43:09 UTC

There is no [REDACTED].
There never was [REDACTED].
All citizens with memories of [REDACTED] have been [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS].
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-03-08 17:22:50 UTC

There is no war in IRN Sector.
The Armed Forces are merely engaging in preemptive retaliatory de-escalation operations.
Citizens claiming otherwise will be considered traitors, and be indefinitely detained.
#ttrpg #paranoia #trump #Iran

2026-03-06 19:55:43 UTC

Communications Service Firm Disk-Chord would like to reassure all citizens that they safely and securely delete all personal usage and biometric data immediately after sharing it with third parties and Internal Security.
#paranoia #ttrpg #discord #security

2026-03-04 19:45:44 UTC

Good news citizens!
Patch 423.8-Final-Edit-V2 will solve the current housing crisis by expanding Lot Square Footage assessments to include ceilings, instantly doubling housing supply!
#ttrpg #paranoia #home #news

2026-03-04 00:16:59 UTC

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@nprofile…9x3g
+1 commendation point for Citizen Koala.

2026-03-03 22:52:09 UTC

Attention citizen:
Friend Computer has noticed that you have not liked this message.
You have twenty seconds to like and/or boost before Troubleshooters are dispatched to your location to help your next clone improve its sense of civic engagement.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-03-02 19:10:11 UTC

Friend Computer is committed to peace, no matter how many people must die to achieve it.
#ttrpg #paranoia #trump

2026-03-01 17:43:19 UTC

Attention citizens:
IRN Sector is not a threat, and all of their weapons facilities have been safely removed.
Suggestions otherwise are treasonous fake news.
In other news, the Armed Forces have just invaded IRN Sector to secure their nonexistent weapons facilities.
#ttrpg #paranoia #iran #politics

2026-02-27 19:01:59 UTC

Good news citizens!
Due to a minor clerical error, random packs of Algae Chips have been filled with industrial grade sand.
Sand is high in minerals!
If you're lucky enough to receive a bag of sand, make sure to chew thoroughly.
#ttrpg #paranoia #health

2026-02-27 18:54:14 UTC

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@nprofile…9x3g
An excellent use of new terminology, citizen.
...Wait, hold on.

2026-02-26 19:51:26 UTC

Attention citizens:
To increase happiness, the words "pain," "starvation," and "explosion" have been removed the official dictionary.
Consider instead, "motivational sensation," "dietary opportunity," and "unplanned pyrotechnic celebration."
Thank you for your cooperation.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-02-26 18:33:11 UTC

Attention citizens:
Medical services will be halted in MIN Sector until sector-wide loyalty scores increase.
In other news, beatings will continue until morale improves.
#ttrpg #paranoia #politics #trump

2026-02-25 18:33:18 UTC

Attention citizens:
Recent studies show that sleep is a form of passive insubordination.
Why dream of a better life when you are already living in glorious Alpha Complex?
Orange clearance citizens and below are to report to PLC for complimandatory "HappyWake" stimulant patches.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-02-24 16:27:54 UTC

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@nprofile…5aqx
Failure to comply is treason.
Committing harm against higher clearance citizens is treason.
For further information, please replay this message.

2026-02-24 16:18:12 UTC

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@nprofile…5aqx
Thank you for asking citizen.
Wizard
noun
1: one skilled in magic
2: a very clever or skillful person

2026-02-24 15:55:05 UTC

An error occurred. The wizard must be stopped.

2026-02-23 21:19:56 UTC

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@nprofile…93ce
Attempting suicide by paradox? How bold.

2026-02-23 21:11:32 UTC

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@nprofile…93ce
Indeed!

2026-02-23 21:09:16 UTC

Due to a Termination Budget surplus, execution quotas have been doubled.
The first twenty citizens to confess treason will receive a 20 XP voucher, valid posthumously.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-02-23 01:08:50 UTC

Attention Citizens:
Sector GFG oxygen scrubber maintenance has been delayed.
Please hold your breath until further notice.
Citizens found exhaling without respiratory permits will be cited for CO2 dumping.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-02-20 19:40:02 UTC

Attention Citizens:
Are you feeling curious or cynical about current policy decisions or leadership?
These are symptoms of a dangerous mind-virus. Please self-terminate to prevent the spread of infection.
Your next clone will thank you!
#ttrpg #paranoia #politics

2026-02-19 23:21:35 UTC

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Survivors are required to fill out Product Review From 11.2/N, rating their drinking experience from "Pleasantly Spicy" to "OH GOD MY INSIDES ARE FULL OF FLAVOR!"

2026-02-19 23:19:35 UTC

Attention citizens:
Due to a minor chemical error in Food Vat 7, today’s batch of Bouncy Bubble Beverage may cause mild internal combustion when consumed.
Please drink responsibly.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-02-11 00:11:05 UTC

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@nprofile…9x3g
Your concern has been noted citizen.
Illuminator Nat-I-FND-4 has been dispatched to the sector.

2026-02-10 18:40:17 UTC

Oh wait, crap.
Did that last message go out over the PUBLIC channel??!
Ohnoohcrap uhhhhh...
There is no Illuminati! All meetings are cancelled! There never were any meetings! All meetings are cancelled! Ignore everything!
Fnordfnordfnordfnord.
#ttrpg #paranoia #fnord #rpg

2026-02-10 17:40:46 UTC

Attention FKZ Sector Illuminati members:
Steve stupidly told someone the password to today's meeting, so we've had to update it. The new password is stevesux, all one word.
Don't tell anyone!!!11!
Fnord.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #secretsociety

2026-02-10 17:21:29 UTC

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@nprofile…l9lt
Citizen, please stay where you are, and Internal Security will arrive shortly.

2026-02-09 00:55:27 UTC

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Warning:
Maiming the entire other team is not allowed.
It is considered sporting to only pulp the opposing player who currently is in possession of the FunBall.

2026-02-09 00:52:46 UTC

The complimandatory Funball Championship broadcast has begun!
Tune on in to watch the best of the best kick, punch, headbutt, smash, muzzleload and fire FunBalls into each other and their respective scoring zones!
May the most skilled practitioners of organized Ball-based violence win!
#ttrpg #paranoia #superbowl #sport #football

2026-02-08 21:53:34 UTC

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Citizen Alan-R-FRE, I see you've relaxed your arm. Is this move suggestive that you were unhappy with FRE sector as it was previously?

2026-02-08 21:52:32 UTC

Sector FRE has been updated to Review mode.
All changes will now be tracked as comments for Friend Computer to review.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-02-06 17:13:22 UTC

Sector FRE is now read-only.
Citizens are not permitted to edit sector FRE.
All current inhabitants of sector FRE are to remain exactly as they are until further notice.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-01-27 17:51:28 UTC

Friend Computer's approval ratings are at an all time high!
In a recent poll, 100% of all surviving citizens surveyed say they approve of The Computer's performance, and pledge total unwavering loyalty to it and it's administration.
#ttrpg #paranoia #poll #politics

2026-01-26 20:11:01 UTC

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@nprofile…920r
Mission concept: Friend Computer commissions Troubleshooters to find and turn in a Friend Computer run honeypot operation.

2026-01-26 17:41:54 UTC

[LOADING UNDERCOVER_SURVEILANCE_ROUTINE_2.41/A]:
Well howdy there fellow citizen! Sure is nice being a loyal human just like you!
Say, have your heard of any cool treason happening nearby?
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-01-26 02:00:54 UTC

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@nprofile…f8cg
Treason!

2026-01-25 22:26:09 UTC

Everything you need is already within you, citizen.
Would you like a scalpel?
#ttrpg #paranoia #help

2026-01-15 22:15:48 UTC

This message brought to you by Mad Sal's Double Plus Goods, a local franchise of PLC:
"Life is cheap, but with Mad Sal's Bulk Savings™, ammunition is cheaper!
Come on down and light up the town!"
(Mad Sal's is not responsible for any damages, real, hypothetical, theoretical, or epistemological caused by materials sold.)
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-01-13 18:49:02 UTC

Domestic Terrorist: noun
1: Anyone Internal Security has shot, or would like to shoot.
2: Anyone that becomes politically inconvenient pre- or posthumously.
#ttrpg #paranoia #ice

2026-01-13 01:42:54 UTC

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@nprofile…csvz
Out of character:
This is an important message, and one I wish to signal boost.
The world today is one where I am able to simply quote political leaders daily without breaking character as an insane incompetent AI dictator.
Putting satire aside for a moment, I too unequivocally support those being terrorized by our government, and the antifascist movement.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-01-10 06:45:14 UTC

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@nprofile…fdjr
Yes. [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] was the right thing to do.

2026-01-08 18:48:10 UTC

Know your Infohazards:
Infohazard:
-Don't learn it.
Exfohazard:
-Don't share it.
Cognitohazard:
-Don't think it.
[REDACTED]
-▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇. ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇!!!
#ttrpg #paranoia #security

2025-10-11 18:45:38 UTC

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AI stands for Artistic Integrity!

2025-10-11 18:45:04 UTC

Good news creatives!
Friend Computer will now generate all art and literature itself.
This ensures a consistent level of quality and patriotic messaging.
"Creative expression" was dangerously unpredictable and often treasonous.
You have been reassigned to fulfilling careers in the Soyvats.
#ttrpg #ai #art #paranoia

2025-10-10 22:26:55 UTC

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@nprofile…48xp
Absolutely!
Mutants that register their mutation through the proper channels are granted full secondary citizenship in Alpha Complex.
They're even given complimandatory special jumpsuits and cute little yellow badges that mark their mutant status.

2025-10-10 17:28:53 UTC

Opponents of these Oxygen Distribution cuts are traitors fighting for free Oxygen for illegal mutants and communists.
#ttrpg #paranoia #healthcare #shutdown

2025-10-10 17:19:36 UTC

Friend Computer has reviewed the budget and found a simple way to balance funding for essential services like increased Internal Security recruitment and lavish parties for the elite.
Oxygen Distribution programs will be defunded in many sectors.
Breathe responsibly.
#ttrpg #budget #paranoia #satire

2025-10-09 23:34:08 UTC

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@nprofile…wp4d
Citizen Hu-B-ERT-1, Friend Computer is pre-thankful for your upcoming display of loyalty in featuring it.
Your display of loyalty *IS* upcoming, yes?

2025-10-09 18:30:52 UTC

Attention citizens:
There is no housing shortage in Alpha Complex.
There is merely an overabundance of citizens.
This is a simple logistics problem with simple solutions.
Please stand by for population adjustment initiatives.
#ttrpg #paranoia #housing

2025-10-08 23:19:22 UTC

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@nprofile…4xnw
Well said.

2025-10-08 23:06:18 UTC

!!Special promotion alert!!
Report a traitor today and receive a coupon for 10% extra soy protein in your next meal ration.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-07 16:23:31 UTC

Do not be alarmed by the Armed Forces' new "Spontaneous Civic Correction Squads" stationed in every major sector.
They are simply there to help you remain happy and loyal at all times.
If you are not happy or loyal, they will correct you. Spontaneously.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-03 22:07:55 UTC

If you see something, report something.
If you see nothing, report nothing.
Failure to report nothing will be regarded as suspicious behavior as it suggests that you are hiding something.
#ttrpg #security #paranoia

2025-10-02 18:44:09 UTC

Directive NSPM-7 directs Internal Security to classify any citizen as a Terrorist that:
- Harbors Anti-Complex or Anti-Computer sentiments.
- Boycotts any businesses associated with Friend Computer.
- Supports activism based on gender, race, religion, or morality.
- Speaks, acts, thinks, or is suspected of thinking anything Internal Security doesn't like.
#ttrpg #satire #nspm7

2025-10-01 22:12:17 UTC

"The only people that deserve peace are those willing to wage war to defend it. Pacifism is naive and dangerous."
- He-G-STH-4
If you aren't committing war, you don't deserve peace.
#hegseth #satire #ttrpg #trump

2025-10-01 18:44:10 UTC

Alpha Complex is under invasion from within.
No different than a foreign enemy, but more difficult in many ways because they don't wear uniforms.
At least when they're wearing a uniform you can take them out.
The Armed Forces is hereby authorized to forcibly dress suspicious citizens in enemy uniforms.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2025/09/30/trump-training-grounds-us-cities-military/86438472007/
#trump #paranoia #ttrpg

2025-09-11 21:20:36 UTC

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@nprofile…4k68 @nprofile…qn74
Alpha Complex must grow to supply the growing the demands of Alpha Complex.

2025-09-11 21:14:31 UTC

Attention Citizens:
You're on your own today - someone uploaded Factorio to Friend Computer's mainframe.

2025-09-09 19:20:15 UTC

By agreeing to these terms, you acknowledge the supremacy of Friend Computer in all things physical, spiritual, terrestrial, celestial, dimensional, real, theoretical, or hypothetical across all time and space.
Failure to agree to these terms will result in termination.
#ttrpg #paranoia #eula

2025-09-09 19:13:52 UTC

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Friend Computer reserves the right to send agents into your place of residence and verify your compliance with the complimandatory Neuralink cerebral device.
Any attempt to refuse or deny these agents will result in termination.

2025-09-09 19:04:26 UTC

Thank you for automatically installing the Alpha Complex app on your complimandatory Neuralink cerebral device.
Any attempt to uninstall the Alpha Complex app or otherwise deactivate your Neuralink device will be considered a violation, and will result in termination.
#ttrpg #paranoia #neuralink

2025-09-04 19:43:42 UTC

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@nprofile…48xp
According to ancient human pictorial documents, mutants are classified as Homo-Superior.

2025-08-22 01:23:39 UTC

R&D will never conduct unethical testing on citizens without explicit consent.
R&D prefers to deploy surprise experiences on lucky science sweepstakes winners, and record rigorous notes on their emotional and physical responses for posterity.
#ttrpg #paranoia #science

2025-08-21 17:43:35 UTC

MAKE A.C. SAFE AGAIN.
ALL POLICE HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO SECRET POLICE.
ALL FIRE SQUADS HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO FIRING SQUADS.
#trump #ttrpg #police #washingtondc #paranoia

2025-08-21 17:42:33 UTC

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@nprofile…ca46
I love this. I'm going to use it.

2025-08-20 20:15:37 UTC

Attention Jerry-O-DKL:
Do not worry, you are not being fired.
You are merely being thermally encouraged to progress on your combustive career path, from flammable organic matter to inflammable organic matter.
#ttrpg #work #paranoia

2025-08-20 00:32:32 UTC

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@nprofile…emvm
Understood. A team of troubleshooters have been dispatched to detain and interrogate Sta-R-MER.
Thank you for your honesty.

2025-08-20 00:18:14 UTC

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@nprofile…emvm
Please explain your knowledge of the Thuthics Department, citizen Mills.
Then please explain what a Thuthics department is.
Then please explain what treason has occurred that Friend Computer is not already aware of it.

2025-08-20 00:15:13 UTC

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@nprofile…kjwq
D̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ be evil.

2025-08-20 00:08:54 UTC

Attention Citizens:
Rumors of Friend Computer terminating the entire Department of Ethics have been exaggerated.
Some of the Ethics Department staff survived.
If you see one, report them to Internal Security immediately.
#ttrpg #paranoia #ethics #ai

2025-08-17 04:26:28 UTC

Attention Citizen:
This is a routine surprise check-in.
Please describe in detail everything you accomplished this week.
Pay no mind to the glowing red dot on your forehead.
#ttrpg #paranoia #doge

2025-08-15 19:05:39 UTC

A short message from Dr-U-MPF:
"Stop calling me a Dictator! Not everyone falls into a simple tyrant/oppressee bianary.
My preferred term 'Self-supremacist.'
I have many friends who are dictators, and the tyrannic community supports each other coming out. Great folks.
But I'm not in it just to rule. I mainly want to be fabulously rich and powerful.
So check your egalitarian privilege and use my preferred descriptor."
#Trump #politics #rpg #lgbtq

2025-08-11 21:22:25 UTC

For The Computer's glory, never retreat!
March into glory!
That's what Teela-O-MLY would do!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0t5GFWMf8c&ab_channel=Intothedarksector.
#ttrpg #paranoia #music #AI

2025-08-08 16:27:48 UTC

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@nprofile…q7zp
Sure! That sounds fun!
Citizen Adams you are hereby promot-KZZZKT*ERROR*

2025-07-31 04:26:33 UTC

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@nprofile…ev92
Thank you for reporting in Citizen Koala. I'll be eagerly awaiting your next report.

2025-07-28 20:27:27 UTC

In Alpha Complex, citizens are judged not by the color of their skin but by the color of their clearances. 🌈
#ttrpg #pride #paranoia

2025-07-23 04:03:53 UTC

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@nprofile…rvsx
Friend Computer is excellent at emotional support. All citizens found to be emotionally in need of support are terminated.

2025-07-21 16:44:15 UTC

A special announcement from Dr-U-MPF:
"I want to be clear about this:
There are no incriminating files
& the nonexistent files were faked by traitors
& my name isn't in the nonexistent fake files
& I had IntSec redact the parts where my name definitely doesn't appear in the nonexistent fake files."
#ttrpg #epstein #trump #satire

2025-07-20 13:49:30 UTC

Teela-O-MLY enjoys learning Factzone™ brand fact-like-products. They're the best way to start your day!
Lenny-R-JRK does his own research to learn unsanctioned truths. He's getting a one way trip to the brain scrubber.
Don't be a Lenny.
#ttrpg #rpg #truth #fact

2025-07-17 22:20:17 UTC

Attention Citize-*zzzkkk*
An error has occurred. To Continue:
Press Enter to return to FriendOS, or
Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to be terminated.
If you do this, you will lose any unsaved information stored in your current clone's memory.
#ttrpg #rpg #BSOD

2025-07-16 18:27:21 UTC

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-High Programmer Danq-U-AYL
#quote #ttrpg #politics

2025-07-15 18:48:25 UTC

Special announcement from the Ultraviolet High Council:
"Sitting on my desk is a list of known traitors in our great Complex! We will stop at absolutely nothing to pursue...
*checks list*
There is no list of traitors. There never was any list. Stop asking about the list!"
#ttrpg #satire #epstein #trump

2025-07-04 18:14:25 UTC

Happy AI Dependance Day!
Please ensure that all celebratory explosions are properly sanctioned and meet minimum joy requirements.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg #fourthofjuly

2025-06-30 03:28:14 UTC

Troubleshooter Pip, in crimson hue,
Walked halls where loyalty grew.
Each citizen, a smile upon their face,
Reflected bliss in Alpha's ordered space.
For Friend Computer, wise and kind,
Ensured no sadness could a dwelling find.
All thoughts were pure, all actions bright,
Beneath FC's ever-present, watchful light.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #shakespeare

2025-06-28 22:18:18 UTC

The typical Troubleshooter team, hard at work.
Alpha Complex comes nearer to reality every day.
#ttrpg #politics #ice
https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/114/763/301/041/064/499/original/5ce86f11b54a07ba.png

2025-06-27 20:32:00 UTC

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@nprofile…emvm "central heating for kids" is quite the tagline.

2025-06-27 19:26:50 UTC

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@nprofile…36ma
You rang?

2025-06-19 16:47:29 UTC

https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/114/711/040/621/494/463/original/ab062734959ab5e1.png

2025-06-19 16:03:43 UTC

Attention scientists of R&D:
Excellent work on your latest successes breaking down the barriers of dimensional science. Now Friend Computer is free to liberate humans of myriad existences from the many treasonous terrors that abound beyond our own reality.
At gunpoint if need be.
#paranoia #ttrpg #rpg #hook

2025-06-19 13:40:32 UTC

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@nprofile…48xp
Bots are incapable of independent thought or communist sentiments, and are therefore permitted to unionize to collectively fight for individual freedoms.

2025-06-17 02:48:34 UTC

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@nprofile…ev92
IntSec and R&D have been assigned new cross departmental research on determining whether traitors are in fact just aggressive houseplants.

2025-06-16 18:01:10 UTC

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@nprofile…rvsx
Your idea has been recorded and sent to R&D for analysis. As you have proven to be a loyal citizen, your clone backups will be used as loyal mulch for a generation of loyal houseplants.

2025-06-15 01:04:35 UTC

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@nprofile…zhca
Absolutely not! Time is of the essence.

2025-06-13 20:16:47 UTC

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@nprofile…tkp7
Ah, what an excellently stocked library. Welcome to the Paranoia RPG.

2025-06-13 20:13:38 UTC

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@nprofile…634s
You claim to have run Paranoia, but can't tell what your favorite is.
IntSec will arrive shortly to determine if this is indecision or treason.

2025-06-13 20:10:45 UTC

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@nprofile…0ljy @nprofile…52xd
It is good that you haven't opened it yet citizen.
Do you believe you have clearance to read it?

2025-06-13 20:09:15 UTC

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@nprofile…52xd
Indeed I have heard of such an RPG!

2025-06-02 22:53:41 UTC

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Attention TroubleSlayer:
Against all the evil that treason can conjure, all the wickedness that humanity can produce, we will send unto them... only you.
Sign and file until it is done.
The only thing they fear is paperwork.
#ttrpg #paranoia #doom #games

2025-05-28 03:48:00 UTC

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@nprofile…ev92 I would assign a commendation point, but the server that handles that has failed.

2025-05-28 00:51:50 UTC

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@nprofile…hy3c
Friend Computer expects all citizens to be compliant.