stefan

Joke attempter. Mildly annoying. Occasionally humorous.

JustMyToots: stefan (npub1xpr…wfz0)">https://justmytoots.com/stefan (npub1xpr…wfz0)

Public Key

npub1xprwer8mh5qaj5xcaawl4759sn5z5mlhufjssqal5yfghfqf2xdqdawfz0

NIP-05 Address

[email protected]

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsrq3hv3nam6qwe2rvw7h06l2zcf6p2dlm7yeggqwl6zy5t5sy4rxsprpmhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0d4hhxarj9ecxjmnttps84l

Publishing to

relay.momostr.pink

Author Public Key

npub1xprwer8mh5qaj5xcaawl4759sn5z5mlhufjssqal5yfghfqf2xdqdawfz0

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Last Notes

2026-07-04 08:26:38 UTC

why do we call dead people ‘late’? bruh, they’re going to be more than late, you can put them down as a no-show

2026-06-29 03:08:35 UTC

the great american state fyre festival

2026-06-22 20:52:19 UTC

i can’t believe it’s not butter, but it really should believe in itself and not rely on the validation of others

2026-06-18 23:19:07 UTC

casually mentioned to my 6yo the sun will eventually run out of fuel and incinerate the planet, but tried to console him by the fact that he doesn’t have to worry about it because we’ll all be dead way before that happens

2026-06-17 12:27:24 UTC

“those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” my fellow skeleton in the bone juicing machine, we couldn’t even remember any lessons from the chaos of 2020

2026-06-16 21:14:07 UTC

Website: You’ve read your last free article.
Me: But I’ve never been to this site before.
Website: Did I say on this website?
Me: *slowly closes laptop and backs away to close the blinds and lock deadbolts*

2026-06-08 22:49:44 UTC

Burger King is just a ceremonial title, the Burger Prime Minister is the actual head of state

2026-06-02 21:51:13 UTC

vape so good you take another look and it’s just your key fob

2026-05-30 18:32:05 UTC

Be nice. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle with me.

2026-05-25 22:56:10 UTC

when we want advice on how to be a greedy exploitative hoarder, we’ll ask a billionaire for their opinion, but otherwise they can just sit down

2026-05-21 01:26:42 UTC

forgot the name for beanbag so i called it a boneless chair

2026-05-15 00:33:56 UTC

A Jurassic Park version by M. Night Shyamalan, where the twist is that resurrecting prehistoric fauna was awesome and the best idea ever and world peace is achieved because the dinosaurs teach kids about respecting people who are different than you and self-confidence

2026-05-13 03:35:06 UTC

I’m not a fan of how many right wingers have started calling themselves activists. If you're on social media advocating for corporations or taking rights away from people, you're a propagandist. Cosplaying as a community organizer is stolen valor.

2026-05-12 13:11:21 UTC

The plumeria flowers are waking up
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/116/561/771/246/337/650/original/fff6a2e7644f47d2.jpeg

2026-05-01 16:47:33 UTC

If you aren’t constantly learning something new or realizing you were wrong about something, you’re reading the wrong things.

2026-04-29 18:34:31 UTC

If they put his face on my passport, I’m calling it an assport

2026-04-26 01:17:33 UTC

If you buy 10 fake assassination attempts, the 11th one is free.

2026-04-23 16:38:14 UTC

lol, I was trying to figure out if RFK Jr goes by Bobby so I searched google for “what do people call RFK Jr?” and it said “microwaved mel gibson” ouch

2026-04-20 20:25:01 UTC

The Strait of Hormuz has been closed for so long it’s now the Strait of Spirit Halloween

2026-04-18 22:12:09 UTC

strait of hormuz to be renamed schrodinger's strait

2026-04-17 17:37:40 UTC

I just found out 'firkin' is a word, it sounds like it should be a bawdy word, but it is a wooden vessel or unit of measurement. That's a firkin disappointment.

2026-04-15 02:41:55 UTC

“I was fine with the extrajudicial kidnappings, martial law, racial profiling, bombings of innocent people, and cutting off access to food and medical assistance programs, but as a devout Christian, when he posted that picture that mocked Jesus, that was just too far against my beliefs.”

2026-04-14 18:42:28 UTC

another ceo myth that tech founders like to play into is that they dropped out of college to start their company and therefore are super genius protégés, but they almost always had safety nets: affluent families with connections.

2026-04-13 02:20:58 UTC

Trump vs Pope is like the Drake vs Kendrick Lamar beef all over again, except this time both sides have pedophile affiliations

2026-04-12 02:28:03 UTC

the only fintech i care about is equipping orca whales with saw blades

2026-04-02 16:12:14 UTC

The thing I love about the stock market is that when it does well, I don’t get anything, but if it does bad, everything pays less and costs more.

2026-03-24 17:29:37 UTC

I don't know about you, but I am doing everything I can to make this world a better place. *puts a "Mean People Suck" bumper sticker on car*

2026-03-20 17:12:59 UTC

The chief export of Chuck Norris was copaganda that demonized marginalized people. Did I do the meme right?

2026-03-20 05:14:11 UTC

Remember the sense of awe of new technology that you felt when you saw the iPhone for the first time? I bet it was 1000x more intense for the person who was cooking and saw corn turn into popcorn for the first time. “Don’t ask me what I did but I’m pretty sure I’m a goddamn wizard.”

2026-03-13 00:09:07 UTC

The Cecropia moth is born without a mouth. It cannot eat. It emerges only to mate and die. Nature gave it magnificent wings and ten days of starvation. It is the universe's most honest creature. It lives without pretense.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/116/218/956/773/655/218/original/2a17064193a5f207.jpeg

2026-03-09 13:49:47 UTC

Dear news sites: Your "Turn off your adblocker" wall doesn't work. We aren't turning it off. We won't talk about your article. We won't share it. We will just leave. You're only ghosting your own traffic and engagement.

2026-03-05 21:30:38 UTC

Who is the mist setting on showerheads even for? People who want the experience of being a head of lettuce at the grocery store?

2026-03-03 15:43:40 UTC

People always ask me why I am always posting about glory holes and farts so much, and to them, I say why aren’t you posting about glory holes and farts more?

2026-02-13 19:47:48 UTC

Chocolate covered strawberries taste mid, it’s not an interesting flavor pairing. It’s one of those things where the idea is better than the execution.

2026-02-11 07:21:10 UTC

farting is not a crime

2026-02-10 23:54:35 UTC

Kid Rock claiming Bad Bunny only got the Super Bowl because of DEI, while Rock cancels tour dates and Bad Bunny sells out stadiums, is the perfect metaphor for the oblivious, jealous conceit of white grievance.

2026-02-07 03:56:39 UTC

- reply

i didn’t see it, but it was so bad, even republicans said it was racist

2026-02-07 03:47:19 UTC

so, on top of removing black history from museums, historical sites, and books, the white house is also posting racist videos during black history month

2026-02-02 03:27:30 UTC

the right: an anonymous person on the internet posted some numbers that undeniably prove that tom hanks, wayfair, and a pizza shop are running a pedophile ring!
also the right: i’m sure there’s a simple explanation why there are so many emails between epstein and billionaires like elon musk

2026-01-27 01:42:43 UTC

greg bovino can finally return to his true passion at his old job as a monster npc in wolfenstein 3d

2026-01-23 10:44:13 UTC

hahah, i gamed the system! i just ate an entire bottle of gummy vitamins so now i don’t have to eat healthy for the next two months suckas!

2026-01-23 02:23:42 UTC

i nominate the city of minneapolis for the next nobel peace prize

2026-01-21 21:21:40 UTC

none of you seem to understand. i'm not logged in here with you. you're logged in here with ME

2026-01-18 07:36:57 UTC

i think my 2yo is going to become a shitposter, he just said the “knee is the knuckle of the leg”

2026-01-12 06:57:31 UTC

hot wine moms in your area want to abolish ice

2026-01-12 05:21:20 UTC

our friends’ friend was recently deported, the agents were stalking his workplace and following the employees around for a week before they grabbed him and his coworkers up and dropped them off at a random place in mexico after stealing their money and phones.

2026-01-09 21:47:30 UTC

i noticed you liked my post but didn’t repost it. i apologize wholeheartedly for failing you and wasting your valuable time. i have brought shame and dishonor to my ancestors and i shall be deleting my account.

2026-01-09 06:37:57 UTC

if it’s called DE-odorant, shouldn’t it remove odor instead of mask it with a scent?
cvs employee: i already gave you your money back. you can keep the stick, we are not allowed to handle it. there is a tuft of armpit pubes sticking out the cap, it is illegal to be on these premises.

2026-01-08 23:46:44 UTC

hey girl, pirated movies and chill? i got the new zootopia dubbed in italian with japanese subtitles

2026-01-08 03:42:35 UTC

i don’t think the intention of noting the victim’s citizenship is to imply that one life is more valuable, but rather to shake anyone out of complacency and apathy if they assumed their passport would shield them from the violence and brutality of their own government

2026-01-07 21:28:52 UTC

after last year, don't tell me we can't get rid of the electoral college

2026-01-07 06:21:29 UTC

whoever stole the devil's hairpiece will have hell toupee

2026-01-04 22:11:43 UTC

i just found out about the juicero, it was a $700 machine that required a subscription for $35/week to get a package of pulp with a drm qr code that it squeezes. it was soon discovered that you could just squeeze it by hand for same results. i kind of wish there were a documentary about it.

2026-01-01 23:44:05 UTC

i found out my longtime suspicion has been confirmed today, my wife only married me for my costco membership

2025-12-30 06:29:09 UTC

billionaires are like ‘i would do anything for love (buy social media apps, buy politicians, buy newspapers, buy elections, buy tv/movie/game studios) but i won’t do *that*! (share my wealth with society)’

2025-12-28 08:15:19 UTC

babybjörn implies adultbjörn. where is the adultbjörn? i demand to be transported via an adultbjörn.

2025-12-25 18:24:23 UTC

an episode of black mirror about a man who stays with his parents for the night and lowers the thermostat, causing an arctic blast of frigid air that envelops the earth, and leading to a catastrophic chain of events that threatens to engulf the world in ice, written by my dad.

2025-12-22 21:37:08 UTC

the average person eats 16 bacon wrapped jalapeño poppers with brisket cream cheese stuffing in their sleep per year

2025-12-14 03:31:06 UTC

what are we even doing here? the human brain was not designed to have to memorize this many unique passwords.

2025-12-13 22:16:40 UTC

hey, sign up for the new app i just deployed that lets you store all your financial data, passwords, and your deepest darkest secrets all in one place! it’s my first app, i’ve never coded before in my life but thanks to vibe coding, i was able to ship it in a day!
ignore the security warning. if you have issues, i’ll send a script to disable the antivirus and firewall. don’t worry about the app, it’s safe, the bots that wrote it confirmed 'this app is fire, bro.’

2025-12-05 20:40:03 UTC

yes, i’m a cartoon, no i don’t know blondie, beetle bailey, or ziggy. and when is the last time you’ve seen a comic, 1970?

2025-12-05 01:46:42 UTC

secret is sandwich structure
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/664/434/071/497/557/original/ee9d88aa963444de.png

2025-12-04 07:20:16 UTC

no i don't want to download the stable version, i'm not a fucking horse

2025-11-27 02:48:54 UTC

in holiday time, today is friday, tomorrow and friday are big saturday, and saturday and sunday are big sunday

2025-11-18 07:07:17 UTC

the teleological culmination of humankind's evolutionary trajectory will be unequivocally realized when people are born without pubes

2025-10-31 21:56:54 UTC

Uh oh, it's Friday the 31st, watch out for dyslexic Jason!

2025-10-31 15:34:28 UTC

No, I don't want to rate your app, I will never want to rate any apps, so you can stop asking.

2025-10-28 06:08:13 UTC

If I were president, I’d make sure that any company claiming their software is free and open-source actually has a fully functional version that’s not just a demo version of the enterprise product.

2025-10-26 04:28:10 UTC

*flashlight under chin*
It was a still, moonless night much like tonight, the darkness congealed in the sky like three-day-old top ramen, at 1 AM. A frontend developer named Chad needed just one package. No problem. He typed npm install.
EACCES: permission denied.
He scoured Stack Overflow for answers. He cleared his cache. Deleted package-lock.json, committed package-lock.json. Nuked node_modules. Nothing. The errors only got weirder... gyp ERR! stack Error: \make` failed`.
He even considered contacting his team, but it was 3:30 AM, and he already knew their answer: "It works on my machine."
In his desperation, he even tried Yarn, but the more he pulled at all the loose threads, the more frayed he got.
Then a thought occurred to him, and he laughed maniacally. "You want to play games? Let's play games!" He clacked furiously away at his keyboard. Then, as his index finger hovered over the return key, he took a pause, realizing what he was about to do. He typed the forbidden incantation. The one he swore he'd never use…
...sudo... npm install -g
He ran npm… as root.
They say he went insane, and some nights, if you leave a bowl of ramen out, you can still hear him in his office... moaning about how his laptop was haunted by malware and conflicting permissions, trying to figure out why his linter won't install.

2025-10-24 19:36:18 UTC

so this ballroom is going to create jobs, lower grocery prices/rent, house vets, and feed schoolchildren, you say?

2025-10-23 03:11:32 UTC

It’s funny how the phrase “that’s an awful lot of people” could mean that’s an awful lot of people but it could also mean that’s an awful lot of people.

2025-10-21 15:26:02 UTC

It was the smurf of times. It was the smurf of times.

2025-10-20 20:01:21 UTC

I've been here a few years and I'm still not sure if I have the concept of the Fediverse right. I have some mutuals who have been here a while and seem to misunderstand it too. So here's my attempt to rubber duck it:
I think when you come from Twitter/Bluesky/Facebook/etc to join Mastodon, you see it through the same frame of reference of a centralized platform and moderation. There are two important distinctions.
The first distinction is that while Mastodon is the most prevalent Fediverse app, not everything you see in your timeline originated from a Mastodon app/server. There are other microblogging apps like Misskey, Pleroma, Friendica, or dozens of their forks. There’re also other interest-specific apps like Pixelfed for photo sharing, Peertube for video, Lemmy for link aggregation. Or bridges from other platforms. So even though you may be using a Mastodon client and server to view and post content, other people might be using something else to post and interact with you on the Fediverse. In other words, it’s more accurate to refer to the ecosystem as the Fediverse rather than Mastodon.
The second distinction comes out of the first. The Fediverse is not centralized and therefore, neither is moderation. Anyone can host their own server and they can connect it to the rest of the Fediverse or be completely siloed, they can block other servers, or be blocked by other servers. Sometimes A instance can see B instance but B instance can’t see A instance. Your instance might block a server or permanently ban a user so you don’t have to interact with bad actors, but there is no way to permanently remove a server or user from joining the rest of the Fediverse. On the flip side of the coin, your instance can have more granular control over who/what is blocked instead of relying on a small centralized opinionated moderator team. Also, you can migrate to a different instance if you don’t like the moderation policy of the one you’re on.
Sometimes I see people comment on moderation, the nice vibe, how awesome the people are, or how there are “no nazis” on “Mastodon” or “the Fediverse.” The nitpick is that your experience is not the whole Fediverse experience, your experience is the unique combination of your blocks/mutes, your instance, server mods, blocked servers, your mutuals, and their mutuals. You might feel like you are in an utopian version of Twitter, but there are parts of the Fediverse that are way worse than Twitter/X ever was, with instances catering to former users of sites like 4chan and Kiwi Farms. If you didn’t know, thank your mods.
So basically, the Fediverse is not just Mastodon, and your moderated instance and friends are why your experience is enjoyable, not the Fediverse itself.
Note: I will edit this to correct anything that is wrong, so please feel free to clarify or correct any inaccurate statements.

2025-10-19 02:01:49 UTC

If I were in a zombie outbreak, I'd simply bite the zombies to turn them into non-zombies first.

2025-10-17 16:10:24 UTC

Boss: Why are there dildos hanging all over the walls?
Me: You told me to make the office look like a glory hole.
Boss: No, I told you to put up Halloween decorations.
Me: Exactly, now it looks like a hall o’ ween!

2025-10-14 21:28:57 UTC

Yes, yes, we call ‘em toots. Yes, it's a euphemism for flatulence. Go ahead and get it out of your system.

2025-10-13 14:15:33 UTC

Coworker in Slack: GM!
Me: General Manager to you too!

2025-10-12 00:42:03 UTC

Barista: Here is your cold brew!
Me: Thanks. Do you have a bathroom?
Barista: Yes, it's up the stairs, two lefts, then down the hallway. And the door code is 1832# 9867*!
Me, an adhd haver: Thanks, I'll just piss my pants.

2025-10-12 00:27:47 UTC

Ave Maria is short for Avenue Marinara Sauce

2025-10-11 07:17:17 UTC

I don't understand these people who say they have to become “antiwoke” because someone was mean to them.
A few years ago, I made a joke on Twitter that enraged the disabled community, and they were brigading me hard and being rude and insulting me. At first, it seemed absurd because the joke didn't mention disability at all, and their offense didn't make sense to me because that was not my intention to make fun of them. My instinct was to double down and make light of their offense, but it just got worse and worse, and they were frankly being assholes. Like people were coming out of the woodwork to psychoanalyze me, and one said I hate my grandparents, which is a weird thing to assume because mine died before I was born. Even a disability rights author with like 100k followers chimed in to call me a “bonehead.”
But after hours of pushing back, I asked myself, “Do you really want to be known as the guy who showed the disabled community what’s what?” I realized that I was fighting with a vulnerable group, and from the outside perspective, even though unintentionally, I was punching down, which makes me the asshole. The tweet was doing numbers, and my ego was bruised, so I told them something like, “ok, fine, you all won't stop harassing me, so I’ll delete the tweet!” and everyone left me alone.
For context, the joke was that I was trying to portray a grumpy curmudgeon character who said that frozen grilled cheese was the epitome of laziness and the beginning of the end of civilization. The issue was that some people with mobility and economic challenges rely on frozen meals and face the stigma of being called lazy when it's not that at all.
Was it my intention to be ableist? No. Was my joke ableist? Yes. Were the people telling me it was really mean? YES. Did they have a point? Yes. Are we mortal enemies now? No. Did it make me abandon my morals, values, views on equality/human rights, and become a fascist? Nah uh.
The experience taught me to be more mindful of how a joke can be perceived or have unintended implications or connotations, or hurt people. I think it was a great lesson.

2025-10-09 20:39:04 UTC

Who cares about the Nobel Peace Prize, it was all just a PR spin because the manufacturer of TNT didn't want people to remember his nickname was the merchant of death.

2025-10-09 16:29:47 UTC

Look, I know that the Fediverse isn't just Mastodon, but I use Mastadon as a colloquial term like Coke for soda, Kleenex for tissue, Band-Aid for adhesive bandage, Google for search engine, or Fleshlight for pocket pussy. Also I know that someone will always correct me, so it's good enragement engagement bait and I am an engagement ho.

2025-10-09 02:21:55 UTC

After seeing all the shitposters trickle in and pop up on jorts.horse, beige.party, random social instances, and now fuckaas.space, I can relate to how sports draft days are for some people.

2025-10-07 20:40:26 UTC

Never say never, but one thing about the fediverse that is different from other platforms is that it would be very difficult to start monetizing by shoving ads, ai, etc, in your face. Like with the threads integrations, instances were able to opt out. However, remember that it costs money/resources to feed the hamsters that turn the wheels on the server. If you are able, consider pitching in a few dollars to your server admins if they have a donation page.

2025-10-07 13:30:40 UTC

It's not fair that I have to compete with people who have motivation.

2025-10-06 17:48:28 UTC

Welcome to all new shitposters from Bluesky, if you are in line for a reply guy who doesn't get jokes, please stay in line!

2025-10-06 02:41:30 UTC

For science, I went down the rabbit hole and checked out podcasts and have been able to categorize them into 4 groups:
Podcasts about other podcasts
Podcasters interviewing other podcasters
Podcasters guest-hosting for other podcasters
Podcasters guest-hosting for other podcasters interviewing other podcasters about other podcasts

2025-09-28 22:13:26 UTC

Food products are like “this $20 box of mac and cheese is better for your kids’ health, if you even care about it, you piece of shit.” And then you check the nutritional data and it's almost the same as the generic brand.

2025-09-27 23:58:03 UTC

When all the branches of government have failed us, protest remains our strongest voice against tyranny. They fear this power, which is why they are turning our own army against us.

2025-09-26 09:50:56 UTC

I hate that Google search AI feature at the top of the results. Yeah, no shit “recipe pancakes blueberries buttermilk” isn't a common expression, they're called keywords and you used to be very good at finding pages that had the most occurrences of them without mansplaining why my query is wrong.

2025-09-25 16:50:25 UTC

I AM FUCKING OUTRAGED THAT YOUTUBE IS REPLATFORMING COVID AND ELECTION CONSPIRACY CHANNELS BECAUSE I WAS PRETTY SURE THEY ALREADY DID LIKE 5 YEARS AGO! ARE TIME AND REALITY ILLUSIONS??

2025-09-23 18:00:56 UTC

What if the Rapture was real, but the Christians were not?

2025-09-23 00:56:10 UTC

I like how the solution for signing online forms is typing your name, but in a cursive font.

2025-09-19 20:10:19 UTC

Empathy is a survival trait without which we would already be extinct.

2025-09-15 22:20:36 UTC

We are illegalizing the comedy
Pray we do not illegalize it further

2025-09-15 01:01:39 UTC

So all those people who say we have to defend free speech, even if we disagree with it, and are vehemently against cancel culture, got about 50 people fired for posting mean things in the last 4 days. I guess it’s “fuck your feelings but treat ours like a Faberge egg.”

2025-09-14 04:04:35 UTC

Sorry to bother you, but the wealthiest man in the world issued a fatwa on anyone who disagrees with him to his apoplectic, belligerent, and armed supporters. I'm sure it's no big deal, though.

2025-09-10 04:11:25 UTC

John Roberts: *wakes up in cold sweat* ahhhhhh fuck no fuck no fuck no!!!
Mrs. Roberts: What's wrong dear? Was it one of those woke Christmas ghosts whining how you sent Tiny Tim to the gulag?
John: Nothing like that, I had the nightmare again where everyone had their student debt relieved.

2025-09-09 03:54:09 UTC

I don't know, man, your reply with a Simpsons gif feels like overt hostility.

2025-09-07 02:47:49 UTC

RFK Jr. really is the living example of the American Dream, proving that no matter who you are, if you work hard enough, you can become a leader in your field based on your own merit. Then, a rich nepobaby with a blog will end up in charge and fire you because you disagree with his eugenic agenda.