DocAtCDI

https://mastodon.social/@DocAtCDI

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npub1ka6glfjc7mx97u28fhktv2562ufp2nedmplx9wj8n0faddrutc5snnhcwz

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[email protected]

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nprofile1qqstway05ev0dnzlw9r5mm9k92d9wys4fukaslnzhfreh57kk379u2gpqqcnxl8l

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npub1ka6glfjc7mx97u28fhktv2562ufp2nedmplx9wj8n0faddrutc5snnhcwz

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Last Notes

2026-05-04 18:37:10 UTC

I've just broken up with my gym.
We just weren't working out.

2026-05-04 02:37:27 UTC

Will you marry me - Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me - Foursome request
Will, you marry me - Time traveler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me - Cavewoman Introducing herself
Punctuation, it's THAT important!

2026-04-28 22:37:06 UTC

Scientists have just found out that Jupiter does not experience earthquakes because it experiences jupiterquakes.

2026-04-28 02:37:27 UTC

I put the sexy in dyslexia.

2026-04-27 22:37:25 UTC

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.

2026-04-26 21:37:13 UTC

My coworker just rescued a dog that's a Havanese/Shih Tzu mix. She's registering it as a Havashit.

2026-04-26 04:37:05 UTC

I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

2026-04-22 23:37:02 UTC

My wife and I decided we didn't want to have children.
We don't know how they'll take it, but we're telling them at dinner...

2026-04-22 01:37:02 UTC

If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I'd get rid of my spine. Sometimes I think it's holding me back.

2026-04-20 07:37:03 UTC

How many click-bait articles does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer may shock you.

2026-04-19 09:37:03 UTC

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...
You need to let that mango!

2026-04-18 22:37:01 UTC

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One... or two? One...or two?

2026-04-16 13:20:04 UTC

The sky over Kappeln, Germany opens into soft layers of cloud and light, the kind of quiet horizon that asks you to pause. This moment, captured by Peter Frese on Pexels, holds the stillness that arrives just as the sun slips away and the day exhales.
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/414/585/512/285/598/original/5bd4fa7599da848f.jpg

2026-04-12 00:37:02 UTC

I've been told that I have a rare genetic disease that forces me to deny the existence of 80s bands.
The Cure does not exist.

2026-04-11 23:37:01 UTC

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details.
We can drop them off tomorrow.

2026-04-10 19:37:02 UTC

On my tombstone, please write:
Not appreciating my puns when I was alive was a grave mistake.

2026-04-06 01:01:29 UTC

Two seals find stillness on Arctic ice, a quiet moment captured by photographer Putulik Jaaka that reminds us winter holds its own kind of warmth. In these frozen waters, life doesn't struggle against the cold—it simply rests within it.
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/355/058/132/038/315/original/a1a5b3867a5ad76d.jpg

2026-04-05 20:37:02 UTC

I hate it when I go out in public and the public is there.

2026-04-04 02:37:02 UTC

People always ask me where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

2026-04-03 05:37:02 UTC

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, 'What would Jesus do?'
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

2026-04-01 19:37:01 UTC

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean.
Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.

2026-03-31 13:37:01 UTC

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384, my liege.
King: Ok, round them up.
Squire: 400, my liege.

2026-03-28 00:37:02 UTC

My nephew's inability to get his life started is so frustrating. 'Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING.' But my family keeps justifying his behavior because 'he's only three.'

2026-03-26 10:37:03 UTC

I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

2026-03-26 01:37:02 UTC

I've done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.

2026-03-25 04:37:03 UTC

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.
'But you can't!' protests the boss. 'Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?'

2026-03-18 09:37:03 UTC

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

2026-03-17 16:48:28 UTC

Nature paints in layers tonight. This evening sky captured by Enrique on Pexels shows lenticular clouds stacked like brushstrokes above a blanket of stratocumulus, all lit by the fading sun. These lens-shaped formations appear when moist air flows over mountains, creating standing waves that sculpt the atmosphere into something almost architectural. The colors arrive as light bends through varying densities of air and water, turning an ordinary sunset into a study in texture and gradient.
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/245/535/634/436/581/original/32f7e1787e3a062d.jpg

2026-03-16 21:00:31 UTC

Mountains wear their winter crowns in silence, doubled by the mirror of a river that barely breathes. This frame by John De Leon on Pexels holds the kind of stillness that only arrives at sunset, when the world pauses between light and dark, and the only sound you can imagine is the cold air settling over stone and water.
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/240/864/401/343/566/original/a9472bad44d3f779.jpg

2026-03-13 13:04:27 UTC

Nature's frozen architecture rises in silence. This majestic glacier wall, captured by Ben Jackson on Pexels, holds centuries of compacted snow and ice in its towering face—a monument to time, stillness, and the patient work of cold. Here, in the presence of such scale, tranquility isn't just felt but seen, carved into every blue-white crevasse and jagged edge where light meets ancient ice.
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/222/005/500/997/375/original/ae1d4d5eb36ccf39.jpg

2026-03-08 03:37:02 UTC

My best friend called me and said, 'An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!' I went to his house to find out he's a big lyre.

2026-03-08 02:37:02 UTC

I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, 'Lobster Tails $2.00,' so I stopped the car, walked over, and handed my money to the proprietor.
He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath, and said...
'Once upon a time, there was this lobster...'

2026-03-05 02:05:27 UTC

The Matterhorn rises through winter silence, its iconic pyramid draped in snow and framed by the jagged spine of the Swiss Alps. This view from Zermatt, captured by Oskar Gross on Pexels, reminds us that some landscapes need no embellishment—just the patience to witness them as they are.
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/174/115/751/620/476/original/dc279bbeaa9cf356.jpg

2026-02-15 22:37:02 UTC

Frank was skydiving for the first time. He couldn't open his chute.
As he looked down, he saw a guy in an apron flying up towards him.
Frank: Hey! Do you know how to open a parachute?
Guy: No! Do you know how to light a barbecue?

2026-02-15 20:37:02 UTC

God, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

2026-02-15 02:37:02 UTC

A horse walks into a bar. The barkeep asks if it's an alcoholic. The horse replies, 'I don't think I am,' and promptly disappears.
Students of philosophy giggle, being familiar with the philosophical proposition of 'Cogito ergo sum': To explain beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

2026-02-06 06:37:02 UTC

Daughter: Dad, may I go to the 50 Cent concert tonight?
Dad: Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister.

2026-02-05 00:37:02 UTC

Batman: Whiskey on the rocks, hold the whiskey.
Bartender: So you just want ice?
Batman: Yes, JUSTICE!

2026-01-29 21:37:02 UTC

Officer: 'Know why I was following you?'
Me: 'Because I already have 45,000 friends, and you think I'm funny?' (I'm gonna need bail money.)

2026-01-29 04:37:02 UTC

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

2026-01-29 01:37:03 UTC

Some people go into martial arts just for kicks.

2026-01-28 04:37:03 UTC

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, Head & Shoulders...
...have not followed up with a body wash called Knees & Toes.

2026-01-26 21:37:02 UTC

My son was doing his homework and asked what I knew about Galileo.
I said that I only knew he was a poor boy from a poor family.

2026-01-23 11:37:02 UTC

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well...
They're not laughing now.

2026-01-19 05:37:03 UTC

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

2026-01-19 03:37:03 UTC

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
Due to all the indoor fins.

2026-01-19 00:37:02 UTC

When I was young I had a disease that meant I had to eat dirt twice a day. Thank God my brother was there to tell me what to do.

2026-01-17 23:37:02 UTC

The Devil whispered to me, 'I'm coming for you.'
I whispered back, 'Bring pizza.'

2026-01-04 22:37:02 UTC

My dog took a crap, and it looked like it had writing on it. I couldn't read it because I can't read shit without my glasses.

2026-01-01 23:37:02 UTC

I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

2025-12-29 05:37:02 UTC

It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
It's a faux pa.

2025-12-29 00:37:02 UTC

I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up.
That's me in the Korma.

2025-12-28 16:37:02 UTC

I strained myself
walking through a screen door.

2025-12-25 01:37:03 UTC

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals. It's pointless.

2025-12-23 15:37:02 UTC

Mrs. Doc: What are you doing?
Me: (standing on one leg at the ATM) Checking my balance...

2025-12-22 04:37:03 UTC

I just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, 'Can you perform under pressure?'
He replied, 'I'm not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!'

2025-12-18 18:37:02 UTC

I love how they are putting jokes on the side of snacks these days. Listen to this one: Serving Size: 3 cookies.

2025-12-04 11:37:03 UTC

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference, but the one most afraid was Sir Render. Let's not forget the most resilient, Sir Vival, and the rotund Sir Cular. And the knight with the most electrifying personality, Sir Kit!

2025-08-15 01:32:02 UTC

Im looking to sell my Delorean.
Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.

2025-08-08 06:32:02 UTC

I've done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.

2025-08-03 21:32:01 UTC

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN'T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN'T OPENER

2025-08-02 14:32:02 UTC

Just watched a documentary on marijuana.
I think thats how Im gonna watch all documentaries from now on

2025-08-01 23:32:01 UTC

Somebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me.
I only have super fish oil injuries but Im lucky I wasnt krilled!

2025-08-01 21:32:01 UTC

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself
this is the last thing I need.

2025-07-30 04:32:02 UTC

A Pennsylvania man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart.
I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against thin mints...

2025-07-29 14:32:01 UTC

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got out of bed to look with him.

2025-07-26 02:32:02 UTC

Im reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

2025-07-24 17:32:01 UTC

I told my daughter, It's always been my dream to walk you down the aisle. She said: Dad, we're grocery shopping.

2025-07-13 14:32:01 UTC

I have a hammer joke, but I don't think I can nail it.

2025-07-13 10:32:01 UTC

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

2025-07-10 01:32:01 UTC

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.
I said: No. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

2025-07-09 20:32:01 UTC

6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock.

2025-07-09 17:32:01 UTC

The Gluteus Maximus is the largest muscle in your body, In fact it's a huge ass muscle.

2025-07-07 16:32:01 UTC

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2025-07-06 18:32:01 UTC

How often do I make chemistry jokes?
Periodically.

2025-07-05 20:32:01 UTC

A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

2025-07-03 11:32:00 UTC

A vulture boards a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks and says
sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger.

2025-06-26 10:32:02 UTC

England doesnt have a kidney bank... But it does have a Liverpool.

2025-06-26 05:32:02 UTC

Ive just found a wallet with $20 in it.
I wasnt sure how to proceed, but then I thought, What would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.

2025-06-25 07:32:01 UTC

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and think Hey that one is shapped like an idiot.

2025-06-23 12:32:01 UTC

Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, Never gonna give you 'Up'.

2025-06-13 16:32:01 UTC

A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up.
I said: Sure. 70.

2025-06-10 23:32:02 UTC

I always regret making a good first impression because theres no way I can keep that shit up!

2025-06-09 14:32:00 UTC

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

2025-06-04 19:32:01 UTC

Last night on Dancing With The Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great but Ivan was terrible

2025-05-31 20:32:01 UTC

Why havent Aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.

2025-05-30 01:32:02 UTC

Audio, Video, Disco.
Latin for: I hear, I see, Learn

2025-05-25 17:32:03 UTC

I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.

2025-05-23 00:32:02 UTC

If Watson isnt the most famous doctor in the world... Then Who is.

2025-05-20 18:32:01 UTC

Purple is my favorite color!
I like it more than blue and red combined.

2025-05-14 23:32:01 UTC

I call my kettle Jim Carey. Because he brews-all-my-tea...

2025-05-08 10:32:01 UTC

I a human being, the top of the food chain, earth's alpha predator!
wasp: Fuck Off
me: yep! OK then!

2025-05-08 05:32:02 UTC

I love the phrase "bear with me"
because it either means "be patient"
or
"the zoo heist was a success"

2025-05-07 19:32:01 UTC

do the people who do triathlons know they don't have to

2025-05-06 03:32:01 UTC

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy
Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll
Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You
Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

2025-05-04 05:32:02 UTC

Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing.

2025-04-27 19:32:01 UTC

An adult in bed will remain in bed until acted upon by a large enough responsibility.
-Newtons 4th Law

2025-04-26 20:32:01 UTC

As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

2025-04-26 06:32:02 UTC

I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer. It just kept on ringing.

2025-04-20 08:32:02 UTC

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.