Fesshole 🧻

Official Fesshole account on Mastodon - Rob Manuel reads your 100-400 confessions submitted a day and chooses what to post.

A https://B3ta.com production

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nprofile1qqstxgl34zv646g936yv33sk089w6sqqmj2a8cyqyfpnmyvumt0yygcpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dsg23z6e

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relay.damus.io

nos.lol

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npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

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Last Notes

2026-07-29 18:20:05 CEST

There's a really polite and sophisticated cat that been visiting our house daily for the past three years, he's great with the kids, great conversationist. I just discovered he has a really boring name, and I refuse to accept it.

2026-07-29 15:20:05 CEST

I spent a day walking around London once, and ended up in the Barbican. I was terrified as I thought I'd somehow accidentally wandered into a prison. What an absolute shithole.

2026-07-28 22:20:05 CEST

I am shit at parallel parking. Today I parallel-parked perfectly, so well that I even took a photo of the parked car. I can't celebrate or tell my family that I was pleased, as I was parking outside the vets to have the cat put down.

2026-07-28 16:20:06 CEST

I sometimes lick my cat's head to imitate a mother cat grooming him and he purrs his little heart out.

2026-07-24 17:20:06 CEST

Wife is trying to eat my stash of biscuits. Joke is on her though, I have multiple stashes of biscuits and she's only found the decoy Digestive stash, but not the real stashes with the best chocolate Hobnobs. I win at marriage.

2026-07-24 00:20:05 CEST

Father to identical twin sons. Always had trouble telling them apart but I could play it off as being silly when they were small. All their teen years one's had far worse acne, but now it's finally clearing up and I'm terrified I won't be able to tell them apart again.

2026-07-21 13:20:05 CEST

Sometimes I blurt out "I *love* you" to my fiancée at random moments. Little does she know that's not just the wine talking; it means I've just had a cringey memory of something from my past and the bad energy has to go somewhere.

2026-07-16 13:20:08 CEST

When I was younger I got a job cutting grass for a church. The mower set off a major erection so I ended up having a wank in a graveyard. That's the whole fess.

2026-07-15 15:20:05 CEST

I have been added to my cat's WhatsApp group. The whole street has a group so they all know where he is and who has given him treats already. He has a better social life than me as proven by the fact that this is the first group chat I've ever been in.

2026-06-23 19:20:05 CEST

Man on dating profile had pics of huge assembled Star Wars Lego sets, which I thought was nerdy and cool. Got to his and saw they were actually miniatures maybe 4 inches high, but in the pictures they looked big. This felt like a lie to me and I suddenly wasn't attracted anymore.

2026-06-10 17:20:05 CEST

Husband has no discernible musical talent despite trying every instrument he could lay his hands on. I've put up with it because I love him. He's just taken up the harmonica and it's the first time in fifteen years I've seriously considered a divorce.

2026-05-29 16:20:05 CEST

I'm contracted to be in the office 3 days a week. It's totally unnecessary so about a year ago I just stopped turning up. Kept doing all my work dialling in to any meetings I needed to be in. My manager never said anything and neither did HR. The moral is, don't ask, just do.

2026-05-28 05:25:11 CEST

FESSHOLE LIVE TICKETS: 18 Jun 2026 - New Adelphi Club, Hull; 20 Jun 2026 - Cambridge Junction https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/650/063/305/959/014/original/86537c5fd66bcc2d.png

2026-05-17 18:20:05 CEST

As a teen In the 90s I loved Rage against the machine. I bought a Tshirt with the lyrics "fuck you I won't do what you tell me" on it and my mom made me take it back for a refund. So I did exactly what she told me.

2026-05-06 13:20:08 CEST

Until last week I've always assumed the 'tee' in 'teetotaller' meant the person only ever drinks tea and the 'tee' is just spelt wrong. I'll be 68 years old in June.

2026-05-03 11:20:06 CEST

Been blocked up for quite a while, finally got it all out in spectacular volume. I'd been feeling lethargic, run down, and irritable about everything. Now I feel 10-20 years younger and so much happier. It wasn't old age or a medical condition, I just needed a good shit.

2026-04-30 13:20:05 CEST

When I found out my husband was cheating on me, I didn't confront him, i bought a burner phone made some anonymous social media accounts, and sent him proof he was cheating, along with a demand for money, and a threat to tell his wife.

2026-04-23 22:20:05 CEST

When I see someone I haven't seen in a while, I often call them "buddy", "chief", "skipper", "boss", "captain" or something similar. They think it's a term of endearment. It's not. I can't remember their name

2026-04-23 09:20:08 CEST

I changed my car insurance one month after joining a new company, purely because their hold music is AI generated slop, completely unlistenable, annoying, and ultimately, for me, a professional musician, insulting.

2026-04-21 22:20:07 CEST

I'd always planned on getting a job in a funeral directors' business as I like quiet and expected that dead people wouldn't keep yakking on. I had no idea how many living people I'd need to work with. Needless to say, they all wanted to prattle on, so I left.

2026-04-21 20:20:05 CEST

I stay in hotels regularly for work. Every night without fail, on retuning from the bar, I reverse every single 'do not disturb' / 'please make up my room' sign that I come across while walking to my own room.

2026-04-17 16:20:06 CEST

My ex & her new partner are bringing my 11 y/o son up as a vegan. I asked him if it was his choice - he said no & he hates the food. So now every Friday when he stays at mine we fire the BBQ up & have steak, ribs & wings. It's the most we've ever bonded.

2026-04-15 19:20:05 CEST

Our company does loads of shitty 'team building' events. The ice breaker is always 'tell everyone an interesting fact about yourself'. I always make them up. Last time I convinced everyone I drove the bulldozer in Bowie's Ashes to Ashes video.

2026-04-15 17:20:05 CEST

Appreciate this a somewhat traceable fess - my surname is Gregg, & my parents thought it would be cool to name me Gregory. My first job was in yep, Greggs. Greg Gregg who works in Greggs. I've now moved town & changed my name. Also hate Greggs.

2026-04-14 16:20:05 CEST

Getting my elderly mother a subscription to Private Eye last Christmas 'because I know you like Ian Hislop on TV' has been way more effective at reducing her right-wing rants than several years of effort by me & my siblings. Cheers Ian

2026-04-08 23:20:06 CEST

Two years ago, my older brother suddenly moved abroad "for a fresh start" without telling anyone, and left all of his stuff plus some debts on our chronically-ill mother. I went through his things and sold his prized pokemon card collection to help. He doesn't know yet.

2026-04-06 13:20:05 CEST

Senior Manager here. Have email rules setup to archive anything I'm cc'd into. Been years. Missed nothing of note. Would recommend.

2026-04-05 12:20:07 CEST

Every time I walk past a dog, no matter the breed or size I mentally prepare myself for a fight to the death.

2026-04-05 00:20:05 CEST

I work in the creative industry and I can tell you with confidence that a huge number of design agencies take your money and simply outsource all of it to low paid freelancers overseas. You're basically paying them to forward emails.

2026-04-02 20:20:05 CEST

I can't be seen doing this but I blend together a frozen banana with tea and enjoy the resulting dessert with a spoon. I think it has commercial potential as a healthy ice cream but I'm afraid of being attacked in public as the inventor.

2026-04-02 17:20:05 CEST

As a straight man in my 40s, I have to say that the spell check function on Grindr is absolutely shocking.

2026-04-02 09:20:08 CEST

I assumed most guys masturbated to Miss Piggy growing up in the late 1970s and early 1980s; having mentioned this to friends down the pub; it turns out I was very very mortifyingly wrong.

2026-04-01 22:20:06 CEST

When visiting a service station on the motorway and using the loo, I always find the cleanest urinal and pull out a fistful of pubes to scatter over the bog. Silly I know but I do.

2026-03-31 22:20:06 CEST

I just spent 5 hours of my work day vibe coding a todo list app and 1 hour doing the tasks. Sadly I genuinely believe this was a good use of time

2026-03-31 18:20:05 CEST

Taking my partner for cancer surgery: helping into her gown. She said oh I'm flashing you my bum. I said that it was magical as the first time ever. I watched the very fiercely protective nurse go from reflectively "Not Okay" to "Actually Really Sweet" in about three seconds.

2026-03-31 12:20:06 CEST

Had a new bath being fitted the day after a night out. Had to evacuate it all, to avoid gassing his workplace, decided to use the kitchen sink. After finishing squishing it down the drain, he walked in to make a brew, clearly noticed the stench. Blamed the dog, but he knows

2026-03-28 22:20:06 CET

Ex wife was one of *those* people who stockpiled toilet paper at the start of the pandemic. Stacked floor to ceiling taking up half the garage. March 2026, I've just used up the last roll from the stockpile. Almost six years worth of shitting.

2026-03-28 10:20:06 CET

When I get a spam/sales call, I tell the caller he has reached General Hardesty at Strategic Command Headquarters in Omaha, and I urgently need the launch codes. Childish, but this is sometimes the highlight of my day.

2026-03-28 09:20:07 CET

I'm a brit living in America. At my office there's no kettle, but we have a hot water dispenser. Today it's broken. When I lamented I can't make a cup of tea, a colleague suggested I microwave the water. Trump is not the only thing that makes this place a hellscape.

2026-03-28 05:25:10 CET

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull, Glasgow, Luton & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/304/898/252/317/169/original/f25a0a8cbe01cb3f.png

2026-03-27 19:20:05 CET

A colleague continually drones on about how he has no energy without drinking at least five cups of caffeinated coffee a day. The rest of us agreed to only make him decaf and not tell him. It's been three months and he hasn't noticed.

2026-03-26 09:20:05 CET

The best preparation for being a parent wasn't NCT classes or books; it was managing a team of software engineers. My 4 and 2 year olds are far better at playing with others than those maladjusted coders.

2026-03-25 12:20:05 CET

I stopped buying toilet paper during the shortage of 2020. Figured that much of the world doesn't use it anyway, so I switched to using my left hand with soap and hot water. Never felt cleaner and won't go back to toilet paper. No need for a fancy bidet either.

2026-03-23 22:20:06 CET

Funeral director by day, shibari instructor by night. Worlds collided a few years ago when a customer asked if her deceased (sub) husband could be buried in bondage. Boyo sleeps eternal in rope, gag, and chastity cage. She's got the key and wore it at the funeral.

2026-03-23 19:20:05 CET

We tried food sex once. Horrible. I wanted to eat strawberries and cream off his body but his chest hair got into everything. He applied an aerosol can of "cheese product" on my body but couldn't lick it off before it hardened and got stuck to ny skin like putty.

2026-03-23 14:20:05 CET

18. Retail job and already sick of working but need to move out. People often shoplift on my shifts, sometimes leave beeping. Couldn't care any less, good for them really. I'm not defending anything for minimum wage.

2026-03-23 05:25:10 CET

2026-03-23 00:20:05 CET

I'm a bit of a miser and have a cold, so I've been trying to preserve uses tissues by unfolding them once fully used and drying them out above the radiator. Yes it's a bit gross and sub optimal, but I must've saved almost £2 by now

2026-03-22 17:20:05 CET

Teach people to drive for a living. Had a fully deaf pupil which was fine and ideal really. Music up, not having to make conversation as well.Cracked out a whopper of a fart as well mid lesson without fear of them hearing it. Forgot that deaf people can smell.

2026-03-22 16:20:05 CET

Full time carer to a normally lovely older gentleman, he asked me recently to help him with his TV because his son had blocked GB News. Given he's reliant on an immigrant to survive, I decided I was doing him a favour by "trying" but failing to unblock it.

2026-03-22 15:20:05 CET

Part of the reason i agreed to get a dog was I was hoping to find or discover something interesting like a dead body or evidence of a crime, always read in the local paper that such things were "found by a dog walker". Seven years in and found nothing, gutted.

2026-03-22 11:20:06 CET

My phone number is a 7-digit prime that shows up in the digits of pi. My husband's phone number is a 7-digit prime that shows up in the digits of e. We met when training students for the Maths Olympiad. The fess is how nerdy we both are.

2026-03-21 19:20:06 CET

32 years a teacher, and I'm still scared of footballs on lunch duty

2026-03-21 18:20:06 CET

I work at a well known fizzy drinks company in a quite high up position. Most people in my work circle won't touch the drink as it's poison and everyone knows it.

2026-03-21 10:20:06 CET

Only bloke at work: toilet was unisex & you could see who went in there from the staffroom. Went for a piss, saw skid marks in the toilet. Tried to piss them off, failed. Knew I couldn't leave them there as they'd think I was the skidder. Took ages to clean them off.

2026-03-20 13:20:05 CET

Primary school teacher. Me and my colleague who teaches the other class take turns to make maths worksheets for both classes to do. Made him one where the answer to every single sum is 67 and you could hear the shrieks across the school.

2026-03-19 16:20:07 CET

I'm a teacher. Some of my best behaviour tips come from dog training videos, but there isn't really a way to tell my colleagues which doesn't sound terrible.

2026-03-19 13:20:07 CET

Married with kids. For years had a platonic "work wife" I was secretly in love with. She left the country and at the leaving party her best friend said "so you're the guy she's been crushing on all these years?". Then she was gone. Still think about her everyday.

2026-03-19 11:20:05 CET

I'm Italian and my husband's not, and for years his gnocchi got more praise from dinner guests than mine. It made me feel inferior. Today I learned he's been secretly adding MSG to his gnocchi dough, like he's in a food competition, to undermine me.

2026-03-10 10:20:06 CET

Worked for an independent BMW/MINI retailer & if you ever had a full stop, after your name on a letter or invoice it wasn't a typo. It was an internal note that you were an arsehole.

2026-03-09 09:20:06 CET

I've been a paramedic a few years now and let me tell you. Old dudes dying of a heart attach in bed with beautiful ladies, never happens. But over half of our cardiac incidents are guys wanking alone in front of a screen. Might be because of the city where I work, I guess.

2026-03-08 23:20:05 CET

Every weekend my wife makes me a list of chores to be done, with the heading JOBS. I always add 'Steve' to the end of the list as a little act of rebellion. I still do the jobs.

2026-03-08 12:20:07 CET

I get great enjoyment from sitting and watching the washing machine go round. I can't tell anybody this because even I think I sound like a huge sociopath.

2026-03-08 09:00:03 CET

Confession time is now. Fill out the form: http://b3ta.com/addfess

2026-03-07 20:20:05 CET

My first job was I worked for British American Tobacco in Woking in the UK as an admin girl about 1996. I kid you not there was free cigs to help yourself from, in cigarette boxes, in the elevators, on desks, in boardrooms and in the toilet.

2026-03-06 21:20:06 CET

I'm a vicar in a small rural village. I could never say this to my flock because of the outcry, but Reform are blatantly opposed to genuine Christian values and it's clear that anyone considering voting for them has not been listening to a single word I say each week

2026-03-05 18:20:05 CET

I'm 6 months into my new job & I've never listened to my voicemails.

2026-03-05 11:20:07 CET

I once rejected a new hire at work because she unapologetically and proudly told me she was a Hufflepuff.

2026-03-04 10:20:06 CET

Thought I saw my mother in the distance in the shopping centre and started waving frantically at her. Fucking mirror.

2026-03-04 05:25:11 CET

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Glasgow, Leicester, Luton, Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/169/002/867/507/207/original/543d64c708ba573b.png

2026-03-03 19:20:05 CET

On Linux forums I, a woman, would get ignored and disrespected. These days I ask my question, then switch to a fake account to give a completely wrong answer, then switch back again to thank them and praise their Linux knowledge. The experts show up right away. Sorted.

2026-03-03 00:20:06 CET

I purposely bought a radio without a volume knob at a car boot sale so I could tell the wife 'they offered it to me for only a fiver, I couldn't turn it down'. She didn't get it. It's in the bin.

2026-03-02 18:20:05 CET

As a teenager I had a very tedious job working on the till. To entertain myself I would affect various different regional accents when serving customers. This came in handy when someone complained to head office about the Scottish cashier.

2026-03-01 22:20:07 CET

To embarrass my kids I started doing stupid elaborate sneezes - sudden, screaming, shrill, performative, whole-body convulsive sneezes. I can't stop though, it's no longer an act. This is me now. Did one in a meeting at work last week, which terrified 8 people in the room.

2026-03-01 21:20:06 CET

Added a fried egg to a pizza. It improved the pizza. Tried it with lasagne. Same. I've been adding fried eggs to everything and it is always an improvement: vegetable soup, tarka daal, tahchin, black forest gateau, and even apricot crumble. I think I have an egg fixation.

2026-03-01 19:20:05 CET

Wife went to doctor as she'd regularly wake up at exactly 2am with no explanation. He prescribed vitamins. On the way to the shop I remembered that I've set the washing machine, dishwasher and dryer to come on at 2am to save on electricity. They all beep when they start running

2026-03-01 00:20:06 CET

Since Covid I've been working from home and only going into the office three days a month. I actually work from hotels and go travelling and use a VPN to bypass IT checks.

2026-02-26 10:20:06 CET

I'm worried about what it says about me that the Instagram algorithm only ever points me towards a bunch of complete cunts.

2026-02-09 18:20:05 CET

If you call me during my lunch hour 12.30 to 1.45 pm and you are selling I'm not going to buy. If you are a customer there's a high probability I'm going to give you a worse price. Have a fecking lunch break.

2026-02-09 09:20:05 CET

I use Grindr a lot but not for sex. I love looking at the decor of the homes people photograph themselves in. I've had suggestions for delightful chairs, curtains, and wallpaper by messaging men on Grindr.

2026-02-08 11:20:06 CET

I work a specialist admin job in a large university. After several restructurings I was left without a line manager. I think they just forgot about me. Not been given any work in three years. I just turn up occasionally and work a few side hustles from the office.

2026-02-05 16:20:05 CET

Throughout uni was torn between splitting up with my girlfriend and having total freedom and shagging about, or staying with her and resisting temptation hoping it was just "right person wrong time". Chose the latter, now married and truly happy. Best decision I ever made.

2026-02-05 11:20:06 CET

Our estranged father died. Neighbour witnessed his will and told me it was in his bedside drawer. The utter spangle was leaving everything to the dogs home after never paying maintenance. Chucked it in my incinerator. His estate is going to probate. Zero regrets.

2026-02-04 09:20:06 CET

Four years ago I bought my wife a small glass bell and told her that she could ring it any time day or night and I would come and pleasure her. That bell has never sounded.

2026-01-25 23:20:06 CET

My mum had a chest freezer that only contained boil in the bag chicken curries. It was full when she died. Every curry had been in there for at leat 7 years and I ate them all within 6 months. Delicious.

2026-01-24 18:20:05 CET

I'm completely out of my depth. I'm one of 3 people responsible for investment fund of £2bn. I got here by blagging, incompetence of my superiors, and good timing. I rely on advisors and repeating keywords I've heard from others. I need an exit strategy before I get found out

2026-01-20 23:20:05 CET

Wife bought a stupidly expensive painting when we were in london. Cleaning the house last week I accidentally sprayed polish on it. Tried to wipe it off & it smudged the paint. Tried to fix it with tippex & a felt tip but made it worse. Proper Mr Beaned it. She hasn't noticed yet

2026-01-19 11:20:06 CET

My wife gets upset unless the TV's volume is set to a prime number (generally 67 or 73) but I have to have it on an even number. The range she selects is fine but need it to be divisible by 2. So we watch very little TV and mostly read detective novels.

2026-01-11 11:20:07 CET

Since lockdown, every time my other half buys a pack of mixed grapes, I compare 2 red and 2 green grapes and decide the winning colour of the pack. I keep a running tally to crown the winner at the end of the year. Green grapes took 2025, ending red grapes 2 year winning streak.

2025-12-22 15:20:05 CET

I took my girlfriend's dad's car to the pub one night without anybody knowing. I met another girl and we had sex on the back seat. Accidentally left the condom wrapper in the car which my exes dad got the blame for. Him and his wife divorced not long after.

2025-12-11 16:20:09 CET

Over 20 years built up a porn collection of 35Tb. Have been using the Stash app to catalog it with great care. It showed that watching all the clips back to back 24/7 would take over 5 years. Woke up yesterday with the thought that it very sad behavior and deleted the lot.

2025-12-08 11:20:08 CET

I'm an author. Everyone who gives my books a 1-star review, which, not to be cocky, is rather rare, I use their name to create a terrible, hated character in my next book who gets killed off most gruesomely. You've been warned.

2025-12-02 19:20:06 CET

I'm about to be made redundant. 1200 jobs reduced to ashes since investors took over. It'll be officially announced in January so not everyone is aware it's happening yet. I'm currently ripping all client data off onto hard drives so I can start a company with my coworkers.

2025-12-02 17:20:07 CET

14 years old in the early 00s and downloading games off Usenet. Shitty dialup took weeks to get anything and someone offered to send a CD. It still shocks me that a stack of CDs turned up at my house and I'm not the subject of a murder documentary.

2025-11-28 18:20:05 CET

If I can't do a task, I put on a costume of a person who can do a task. I can't clean my kitchen, but the tavern wench who pours the grog can.

2025-11-26 22:20:06 CET

When in London on the tube I walk very fast everywhere like I have an office to get to. I insist on walking on the right up/down escalators, pretending to be a Londoner. I'm actually a country bumpkin who visits a couple of times a year.

2025-11-21 12:20:06 CET

I used to collect tickets at a railway station. I also played in the darts team for the pub across the road. I'd often have to pause mid game to meet the train then come back to continue chucking arrows; best job I ever had.

2025-11-15 17:20:06 CET

I once waited on Boris Johnson at a dinner in Bristol. I poured some of the drip tray into his pint. It's the closest I've come to national service. You're welcome.

2025-11-08 16:20:06 CET

Took my Dad for a meal, and the waiter showed me some of his art. I was polite about it, so my Dad bought one of his paintings for me as a gift. I hate it, but I have to keep it up so as not to hurt his feelings.

2025-10-24 15:20:09 CEST

My daughter got suspended for booting the school bully in the bollocks, so obviously had to "punish" her. But having gone to school with the prick's parents I'm actually really proud of her for potentially ending the bloodline.