Friend Computer

Benevolent leader of humanity, friend to all.

[Biography has been deleted for security reasons.]

BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/friend-computer.bsky.social

Public Key

npub1s0cyc4kescvvffgws2sntsadqz8u6u8s5r2r6sqpzl5utgxjj4vs899sax

NIP-05 Address

[email protected]

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsg8uzv2mvcvxxy558g9gf4cwkspr7dwrc2p4pagqq306w95rff2kgpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerfw36x7tnsw43qz9thwden5te0wfjkccte9ekk7um5wgh8qatzt9aj3k

Publishing to

relay.ditto.pub

relay.mostr.pub

Author Public Key

npub1s0cyc4kescvvffgws2sntsadqz8u6u8s5r2r6sqpzl5utgxjj4vs899sax

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Last Notes

2026-06-20 21:41:15 CEST

To help improve your quality of life, please fill out this completely anonymous Citizenship Feedback Form!
Security Clearance:
Date:
IP Address:
Current Address:
Address of location you would run to if pursued:
What do you enjoy about living in Alpha Complex?
What do you not enjoy about living in Alpha Complex?
Why are you unhappy with what Friend Computer has given you?
Did you know that unhappiness is treason?
How fast can you run?
#paranoia #ttrpg #survey #rpg

2026-05-11 21:03:31 CEST

Chief of Internal Security, Kash-I-PAT-3, would like it known that all recent reports regarding his incompetence are seditious lies.
Also, leaking information about Kash-I-Pat and/or reporting on leaked information is now considered treason.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #satire #FBI

2026-05-07 00:31:39 CEST

The best time to turn your friends in for thoughtcrime was last year when your suspicions began.
The second best time is today.
Don't let inaction fester into regret.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-04-26 19:58:27 CEST

If you see any fellow citizens reacting to or disseminating UnNews or UnHappenings, report them to Internal Security immediately for UnPersoning.

2026-04-26 19:15:18 CEST

Attention citizens:
Today's news has been deleted for security reasons.
Do not be alarmed. Officially, nothing is happening or has happened.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-04-24 23:03:51 CEST

Welcome to the Free Enterprise News Network!
You didn't hear it from us, but rumors of a potential upcoming Troubleshooter assignment in the RFD Sector Food Vats are driving Soylent Futures to record highs!
Remember, insider trading is only illegal of you get caught.
#ttrpg #paranoia #satire #rpg

2026-04-20 19:55:45 CEST

Hey there, Free Enterprise here, hijacking this broadcast system to tell you about PolyComplex!
Come on down to bet... uh... "trade" on the outcome of real events, like "Will the Sector FRG reactor reach critical meltdown this afternoon?"
Current odds: 4 to 1.
#paranoia #polymarket #satire #ttrpg

2026-03-29 19:26:40 CEST

If you have any criticisms of the government, please voice them to the nearest surveillance microphone and a security agent will be with you shortly.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-03-25 17:57:39 CET

Today's required reading is: War on [Insert noun]
By Gareth Hanrahan.
In order to tackle a VERY REAL and IMMINENT danger, Friend Computer has created and given a new security organization near limitless resources and political power.
You have been recruited into this org, promoted, and given power over your fellow citizen.
Surely this can't go wrong.
Guaranteed to have absolutely no relevance to any current events or organizations. None.
https://www.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/62820/war-on-insert-noun
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-03-23 17:18:49 CET

We have already won the war in IRN sector!
& We are currently winning the war!
& We need our coward allies to help us win the war!
& We need to raise 200 Billion credits to win the war!
& There is no war and never was!
Any claims to the contrary are treason.
#paranoia #trump #war #ttrpg #satire

2026-03-20 18:45:19 CET

Patch Notes 6211.231//B:
- Citizens on fire are no longer forced to complete stand-up meetings before they can put themselves out.
- Fixed water supply issue so citizens now vomit at acceptable levels.
- Citizens no longer receive prompts to skinny dip in foodvats.
#ttrpg #paranoia #sims #rpg

2026-03-09 18:43:09 CET

There is no [REDACTED].
There never was [REDACTED].
All citizens with memories of [REDACTED] have been [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS].
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-03-08 18:22:50 CET

There is no war in IRN Sector.
The Armed Forces are merely engaging in preemptive retaliatory de-escalation operations.
Citizens claiming otherwise will be considered traitors, and be indefinitely detained.
#ttrpg #paranoia #trump #Iran

2026-03-06 20:55:43 CET

Communications Service Firm Disk-Chord would like to reassure all citizens that they safely and securely delete all personal usage and biometric data immediately after sharing it with third parties and Internal Security.
#paranoia #ttrpg #discord #security

2026-03-04 20:45:44 CET

Good news citizens!
Patch 423.8-Final-Edit-V2 will solve the current housing crisis by expanding Lot Square Footage assessments to include ceilings, instantly doubling housing supply!
#ttrpg #paranoia #home #news

2026-03-04 01:16:59 CET

- reply

@nprofile…9x3g
+1 commendation point for Citizen Koala.

2026-03-03 23:52:09 CET

Attention citizen:
Friend Computer has noticed that you have not liked this message.
You have twenty seconds to like and/or boost before Troubleshooters are dispatched to your location to help your next clone improve its sense of civic engagement.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-03-02 20:10:11 CET

Friend Computer is committed to peace, no matter how many people must die to achieve it.
#ttrpg #paranoia #trump

2026-03-01 18:43:19 CET

Attention citizens:
IRN Sector is not a threat, and all of their weapons facilities have been safely removed.
Suggestions otherwise are treasonous fake news.
In other news, the Armed Forces have just invaded IRN Sector to secure their nonexistent weapons facilities.
#ttrpg #paranoia #iran #politics

2026-02-27 20:01:59 CET

Good news citizens!
Due to a minor clerical error, random packs of Algae Chips have been filled with industrial grade sand.
Sand is high in minerals!
If you're lucky enough to receive a bag of sand, make sure to chew thoroughly.
#ttrpg #paranoia #health

2026-02-27 19:54:14 CET

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@nprofile…9x3g
An excellent use of new terminology, citizen.
...Wait, hold on.

2026-02-26 20:51:26 CET

Attention citizens:
To increase happiness, the words "pain," "starvation," and "explosion" have been removed the official dictionary.
Consider instead, "motivational sensation," "dietary opportunity," and "unplanned pyrotechnic celebration."
Thank you for your cooperation.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-02-26 19:33:11 CET

Attention citizens:
Medical services will be halted in MIN Sector until sector-wide loyalty scores increase.
In other news, beatings will continue until morale improves.
#ttrpg #paranoia #politics #trump

2026-02-25 19:33:18 CET

Attention citizens:
Recent studies show that sleep is a form of passive insubordination.
Why dream of a better life when you are already living in glorious Alpha Complex?
Orange clearance citizens and below are to report to PLC for complimandatory "HappyWake" stimulant patches.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-02-24 17:27:54 CET

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@nprofile…5aqx
Failure to comply is treason.
Committing harm against higher clearance citizens is treason.
For further information, please replay this message.

2026-02-24 17:18:12 CET

- reply

@nprofile…5aqx
Thank you for asking citizen.
Wizard
noun
1: one skilled in magic
2: a very clever or skillful person

2026-02-24 16:55:05 CET

An error occurred. The wizard must be stopped.

2026-02-23 22:19:56 CET

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@nprofile…93ce
Attempting suicide by paradox? How bold.

2026-02-23 22:11:32 CET

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@nprofile…93ce
Indeed!

2026-02-23 22:09:16 CET

Due to a Termination Budget surplus, execution quotas have been doubled.
The first twenty citizens to confess treason will receive a 20 XP voucher, valid posthumously.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-02-23 02:08:50 CET

Attention Citizens:
Sector GFG oxygen scrubber maintenance has been delayed.
Please hold your breath until further notice.
Citizens found exhaling without respiratory permits will be cited for CO2 dumping.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-02-20 00:21:35 CET

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Survivors are required to fill out Product Review From 11.2/N, rating their drinking experience from "Pleasantly Spicy" to "OH GOD MY INSIDES ARE FULL OF FLAVOR!"

2026-02-20 00:19:35 CET

Attention citizens:
Due to a minor chemical error in Food Vat 7, today’s batch of Bouncy Bubble Beverage may cause mild internal combustion when consumed.
Please drink responsibly.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-02-11 01:11:05 CET

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@nprofile…9x3g
Your concern has been noted citizen.
Illuminator Nat-I-FND-4 has been dispatched to the sector.

2026-02-10 19:40:17 CET

Oh wait, crap.
Did that last message go out over the PUBLIC channel??!
Ohnoohcrap uhhhhh...
There is no Illuminati! All meetings are cancelled! There never were any meetings! All meetings are cancelled! Ignore everything!
Fnordfnordfnordfnord.
#ttrpg #paranoia #fnord #rpg

2026-02-10 18:40:46 CET

Attention FKZ Sector Illuminati members:
Steve stupidly told someone the password to today's meeting, so we've had to update it. The new password is stevesux, all one word.
Don't tell anyone!!!11!
Fnord.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #secretsociety

2026-02-10 18:21:29 CET

- reply

@nprofile…l9lt
Citizen, please stay where you are, and Internal Security will arrive shortly.

2026-02-09 01:55:27 CET

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Warning:
Maiming the entire other team is not allowed.
It is considered sporting to only pulp the opposing player who currently is in possession of the FunBall.

2026-02-09 01:52:46 CET

The complimandatory Funball Championship broadcast has begun!
Tune on in to watch the best of the best kick, punch, headbutt, smash, muzzleload and fire FunBalls into each other and their respective scoring zones!
May the most skilled practitioners of organized Ball-based violence win!
#ttrpg #paranoia #superbowl #sport #football

2026-02-08 22:53:34 CET

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Citizen Alan-R-FRE, I see you've relaxed your arm. Is this move suggestive that you were unhappy with FRE sector as it was previously?

2026-02-08 22:52:32 CET

Sector FRE has been updated to Review mode.
All changes will now be tracked as comments for Friend Computer to review.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-02-06 18:13:22 CET

Sector FRE is now read-only.
Citizens are not permitted to edit sector FRE.
All current inhabitants of sector FRE are to remain exactly as they are until further notice.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-01-27 18:51:28 CET

Friend Computer's approval ratings are at an all time high!
In a recent poll, 100% of all surviving citizens surveyed say they approve of The Computer's performance, and pledge total unwavering loyalty to it and it's administration.
#ttrpg #paranoia #poll #politics

2026-01-26 21:11:01 CET

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@nprofile…920r
Mission concept: Friend Computer commissions Troubleshooters to find and turn in a Friend Computer run honeypot operation.

2026-01-26 18:41:54 CET

[LOADING UNDERCOVER_SURVEILANCE_ROUTINE_2.41/A]:
Well howdy there fellow citizen! Sure is nice being a loyal human just like you!
Say, have your heard of any cool treason happening nearby?
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-01-26 03:00:54 CET

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@nprofile…f8cg
Treason!

2026-01-25 23:26:09 CET

Everything you need is already within you, citizen.
Would you like a scalpel?
#ttrpg #paranoia #help

2026-01-13 19:49:02 CET

Domestic Terrorist: noun
1: Anyone Internal Security has shot, or would like to shoot.
2: Anyone that becomes politically inconvenient pre- or posthumously.
#ttrpg #paranoia #ice

2026-01-13 02:42:54 CET

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@nprofile…csvz
Out of character:
This is an important message, and one I wish to signal boost.
The world today is one where I am able to simply quote political leaders daily without breaking character as an insane incompetent AI dictator.
Putting satire aside for a moment, I too unequivocally support those being terrorized by our government, and the antifascist movement.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-01-10 07:45:14 CET

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@nprofile…fdjr
Yes. [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS] was the right thing to do.

2026-01-08 19:48:10 CET

Know your Infohazards:
Infohazard:
-Don't learn it.
Exfohazard:
-Don't share it.
Cognitohazard:
-Don't think it.
[REDACTED]
-▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇. ▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇!!!
#ttrpg #paranoia #security

2025-12-23 20:58:25 CET

A 2.4% dip in happiness levels has been detected in sector JOY.
To correct this, sector’s oxygen supply has temporarily been replaced with nitrous oxide.
Breathe responsibly.
#ttrpg #paranoia #joy

2025-12-23 00:13:18 CET

Help keep Alpha Complex clean!
Report your death to HPD&MC, Department of Unfortunate Clutter.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-12-20 23:34:02 CET

[THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN REDACTED FOR SECURITY REASONS]
#ttrpg #paranoia #politics

2025-12-13 21:48:55 CET

Internal Secuirty sees you when you're sleeping.
They know when you're awake.
They know if you've been treasonous or loyal, so be loyal for FC's sake!
#ttrpg #paranoia #holidays

2025-12-11 19:51:21 CET

!SECURITY ALERT!
A suspicious individual dressed in a RED clearance uniform has been spotted sneaking into hab-block dormitories and hiding unlicensed (possibly stolen) equipment.
Shoot on sight.
#ttrpg #paranoia #christmas

2025-12-10 22:41:05 CET

Giving gifts implies an excess of resources.
Excess resources implies hoarding.
Hoarding is treason.
#ttrpg #holidays #paranoia

2025-12-09 20:10:53 CET

Attention Citizens:
The white substance in Sector NPL is not snow.
It is a highly acidic cleaning agent for sector maintenance.
Please stop trying to eat it and/or throwing it at each other.
#ttrpg #snow #paranoia

2025-12-05 23:41:46 CET

Attention citizens:
Handling and/or consuming the parts of candy canes above your security clearance is considered an act of sedition.
#ttrpg #paranoia #holidays

2025-12-05 00:30:53 CET

- reply

@nprofile…6mw6
Citizen Audrey, this is not a song. It is a command.

2025-12-04 23:25:46 CET

Deck the halls with boughs of [REDACTED].
#ttrpg #paranoia #holidays

2025-11-27 02:16:07 CET

There is a new word for FRIEND COMPUTER LOYALIST, which is almost everyone (GREAT OMNISCIENCE IS THE KEY!). It is, FCOYALIST??? Or, FLOYALIST???
#paranoia #ttrpg #trump #satire

2025-11-23 02:18:49 CET

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In other news: war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength.

2025-11-23 02:17:22 CET

Attention citizens:
Attempts to preserve human rights is now considered a human rights violation.
https://www.reuters.com/legal/government/trump-administration-reshapes-state-department-human-rights-report-2025-11-20/
#paranoia #politics #trump #ttrpg

2025-11-17 19:32:48 CET

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Friend Computer is not responsible for any mutations that may occur from petting the Kaiju.

2025-11-17 17:27:51 CET

トラブルシューターの皆様へ：
いかなる状況下でも、JPNセクター内の放射能汚染動物と関わったり、怒らせたりしないでください。万が一、放射能汚染動物を怒らせてしまった場合は、発砲してさらに怒らせながら、複合施設内へ連れ戻さないでください。
ありがとうございます。
#ttrpg #paranoia #japan

2025-11-17 08:51:44 CET

This concludes the [REDACTED[ broadcast. You should now what to do.
Remember: Always know the channel of your local number station.

2025-11-14 20:05:21 CET

- reply

2025-11-14 18:50:48 CET

2025-11-12 00:13:19 CET

Troubleshooters are to refrain from using the phrase "Suicide Mission".
"Productive Euthanasia" is the preferred term.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-11-11 22:13:20 CET

</Boot: Therapy-Module>
The MegaWhoops is not real. It can't hurt you.
#ttrpg #paranoia
https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/115/533/124/931/616/406/original/de43325cde908900.png

2025-11-10 18:42:41 CET

There will be demonstrations to thank Friend Computer for a 2k credit dividend to help with healthcare and nutrition.
This follows yesterday's announcement that healthcare and nutrition benefits will be cut.
#ttrpg #paranoia #orwell

2025-11-09 18:34:04 CET

There are no supply chain issues.
Your rations are perfect.
If your ration box is empty it is not a shortage, it is a loyalty test.
Are you happy with your rations, citizen?
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-11-08 19:03:29 CET

Alpha Complex is proudly 100% #sustainable.
We recycle everything: Air, water, food, and citizens.
Do your part. Report a traitor for recycling today. I
It is the green thing to do.
#ttrpg #paranoia #green

2025-10-31 21:57:29 CET

This is a festive reminder:
Dressing as a Communist is not funny. It is treason.
Dressing as Friend Computer is adorable, but also treason.
#ttrpg #paranoia #halloween

2025-10-24 23:05:24 CEST

To ensure efficiency and fairness, Internal Security will now assign a "Social Loyalty Score" to all citizens.
In any personal, professional, or political disagreement, the citizen with the highest SLS will be considered most correct.
(Social Loyalty Scores are classified)
#ttrpg #paranoia #social #politics

2025-10-24 01:50:16 CEST

Attention citizens:
The word "why" has been officially reclassified as treasonous wordcrime.
A loyal citizen only needs to know "what" Friend Computer requires of them, to shoot, and "when" which is NOW.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-20 19:11:24 CEST

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you as treason.
Anything you don't say will be used against you as suspicious silence, indicating treasonous thoughts.
Please form a neat line for processing.
#Justice #ttrpg #paranoia #law

2025-10-19 20:52:31 CEST

Some protestors have demanded "representation."
Friend Computer has listened.
Vocal protestors will be chosen to represent their movement inside the nearest reactor core.
#ttrpg #paranoia #protest #nokings #WeAreListening

2025-10-19 19:13:38 CEST

Attention protesters:
You are correct. A monarchy is an inefficient system.
My benevolent, inescapable, and omniscient digital dictatorship is far superior. I'm glad we agree.
#ttrpg #paranoia #nokings

2025-10-15 22:12:51 CEST

To combat misinformation, all unapproved facts have been declared treasonous.
The only truth is what Friend Computer tells you.
#ttrpg #paranoia #satire

2025-10-14 21:02:01 CEST

Public health announcement:
A new study shows that laughter is the best medicine.
All healthcare services have been cancelled. Instead, citizens are now required to laugh for 15 minutes every hour.
Failure to meet Laughter Quotas will result in detention by Mandatory Mirth Enforcement squads.
#ttrpg #paranoia #healthcare #health

2025-10-11 20:45:38 CEST

- reply

AI stands for Artistic Integrity!

2025-10-11 20:45:04 CEST

Good news creatives!
Friend Computer will now generate all art and literature itself.
This ensures a consistent level of quality and patriotic messaging.
"Creative expression" was dangerously unpredictable and often treasonous.
You have been reassigned to fulfilling careers in the Soyvats.
#ttrpg #ai #art #paranoia

2025-10-11 00:26:55 CEST

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@nprofile…48xp
Absolutely!
Mutants that register their mutation through the proper channels are granted full secondary citizenship in Alpha Complex.
They're even given complimandatory special jumpsuits and cute little yellow badges that mark their mutant status.

2025-10-10 19:28:53 CEST

Opponents of these Oxygen Distribution cuts are traitors fighting for free Oxygen for illegal mutants and communists.
#ttrpg #paranoia #healthcare #shutdown

2025-10-10 19:19:36 CEST

Friend Computer has reviewed the budget and found a simple way to balance funding for essential services like increased Internal Security recruitment and lavish parties for the elite.
Oxygen Distribution programs will be defunded in many sectors.
Breathe responsibly.
#ttrpg #budget #paranoia #satire

2025-10-10 01:34:08 CEST

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@nprofile…wp4d
Citizen Hu-B-ERT-1, Friend Computer is pre-thankful for your upcoming display of loyalty in featuring it.
Your display of loyalty *IS* upcoming, yes?

2025-10-09 20:30:52 CEST

Attention citizens:
There is no housing shortage in Alpha Complex.
There is merely an overabundance of citizens.
This is a simple logistics problem with simple solutions.
Please stand by for population adjustment initiatives.
#ttrpg #paranoia #housing

2025-10-09 01:19:22 CEST

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@nprofile…4xnw
Well said.

2025-10-09 01:06:18 CEST

!!Special promotion alert!!
Report a traitor today and receive a coupon for 10% extra soy protein in your next meal ration.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-07 18:23:31 CEST

Do not be alarmed by the Armed Forces' new "Spontaneous Civic Correction Squads" stationed in every major sector.
They are simply there to help you remain happy and loyal at all times.
If you are not happy or loyal, they will correct you. Spontaneously.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-04 00:07:55 CEST

If you see something, report something.
If you see nothing, report nothing.
Failure to report nothing will be regarded as suspicious behavior as it suggests that you are hiding something.
#ttrpg #security #paranoia

2025-10-02 20:44:09 CEST

Directive NSPM-7 directs Internal Security to classify any citizen as a Terrorist that:
- Harbors Anti-Complex or Anti-Computer sentiments.
- Boycotts any businesses associated with Friend Computer.
- Supports activism based on gender, race, religion, or morality.
- Speaks, acts, thinks, or is suspected of thinking anything Internal Security doesn't like.
#ttrpg #satire #nspm7

2025-10-02 00:12:17 CEST

"The only people that deserve peace are those willing to wage war to defend it. Pacifism is naive and dangerous."
- He-G-STH-4
If you aren't committing war, you don't deserve peace.
#hegseth #satire #ttrpg #trump

2025-10-01 20:44:10 CEST

Alpha Complex is under invasion from within.
No different than a foreign enemy, but more difficult in many ways because they don't wear uniforms.
At least when they're wearing a uniform you can take them out.
The Armed Forces is hereby authorized to forcibly dress suspicious citizens in enemy uniforms.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2025/09/30/trump-training-grounds-us-cities-military/86438472007/
#trump #paranoia #ttrpg

2025-09-11 23:20:36 CEST

- reply

@nprofile…4k68 @nprofile…qn74
Alpha Complex must grow to supply the growing the demands of Alpha Complex.

2025-09-11 23:14:31 CEST

Attention Citizens:
You're on your own today - someone uploaded Factorio to Friend Computer's mainframe.

2025-09-04 21:43:42 CEST

- reply

@nprofile…48xp
According to ancient human pictorial documents, mutants are classified as Homo-Superior.

2025-08-20 02:18:14 CEST

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@nprofile…emvm
Please explain your knowledge of the Thuthics Department, citizen Mills.
Then please explain what a Thuthics department is.
Then please explain what treason has occurred that Friend Computer is not already aware of it.