Fortune

This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
which identifies errors in the original program.

2026-08-27 18:02:32 UTC

Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
-- Jawaharlal Nehru

2026-08-27 17:02:31 UTC

While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's still there.

2026-08-27 15:02:29 UTC

The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
-- Miguel de Cervantes

2026-08-27 13:02:27 UTC

The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The
natural disposition is always to believe. It is acquired wisdom and experience
only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough.
-- Adam Smith

2026-08-27 11:02:25 UTC

After watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a new
folder, it became obvious that "intuitive" mostly means "what the writer or
speaker of intuitive likes".
(Bruce Ediger, [email protected], in comp.os.linux.misc, on X the
intuitiveness of a Mac interface.)

2026-08-27 09:02:23 UTC

optimist, n:
A bagpiper with a beeper.

2026-08-27 08:02:22 UTC

Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.

2026-08-27 07:02:21 UTC

A penny saved is a penny to squander.
-- Ambrose Bierce

2026-08-27 06:02:20 UTC

Elephant, n.:
A mouse built to government specifications.

2026-08-27 05:02:19 UTC

Your compliance with all terms and conditions, expressed and implied, is
automatic upon viewing.

2026-08-27 04:02:18 UTC

"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."

2026-08-26 23:02:13 UTC

"Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin."
-- Michael O'Donohugh

2026-08-26 21:02:10 UTC

HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!

2026-08-26 19:02:00 UTC

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
-- Samuel Johnson

2026-08-26 17:01:58 UTC

Herth's Law:
He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.

2026-08-26 16:01:57 UTC

I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
our tasks will be solved.
-- Warren G. Harding

2026-08-26 15:01:55 UTC

We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

2026-08-26 13:01:53 UTC

In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
-- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address

2026-08-26 10:01:50 UTC

If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor
could make!

2026-08-26 09:01:49 UTC

The Korean War must have been fun.

2026-08-26 06:01:46 UTC

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Corollary:
Following the rules will not get the job done.

2026-08-26 05:01:45 UTC

Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.

2026-08-26 04:01:44 UTC

First law of debate:
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

2026-08-26 03:01:43 UTC

Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
94140, USA

2026-08-26 02:01:42 UTC

"Hello again, Peabody here..."
-- Mister Peabody

2026-08-26 00:01:40 UTC

You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.

2026-08-25 22:01:38 UTC

Spirtle, n.:
The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"

2026-08-25 13:01:27 UTC

panic: kernel trap (ignored)

2026-08-25 10:01:24 UTC

What fools these morals be!

2026-08-25 09:01:22 UTC

Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!

2026-08-25 08:01:21 UTC

"I don't know where we come from,
Don't know where we're going to,
And if all this should have a reason,
We would be the last to know.
So let's just hope there is a promised land,
And until then,
...as best as you can."
-- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby"

2026-08-25 07:01:20 UTC

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We'll fix it in software.
Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The application can work around it.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The user can figure it out.

2026-08-25 05:01:18 UTC

A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925

2026-08-25 04:01:17 UTC

Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.

2026-08-24 16:00:53 UTC

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
and that word is blackmail.
-- Colm Brogan

2026-08-24 08:00:42 UTC

A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
-- Prof. Steiner

2026-08-24 07:00:41 UTC

A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
resource centers along the roads.
-- The Underground Grammarian

2026-08-24 06:00:40 UTC

Marriage, n.:
The evil aye.

2026-08-24 04:00:38 UTC

I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
INSTRUCTIONS ...

2026-08-24 02:00:35 UTC

Now of my threescore years and ten,
Twenty will not come again,
And take from seventy springs a score,
It leaves me only fifty more.
And since to look at things in bloom
Fifty springs are little room,
About the woodlands I will go
To see the cherry hung with snow.
-- A. E. Housman

2026-08-22 12:59:47 UTC

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
-- Gene Fowler

2026-08-20 22:59:07 UTC

"You'll pay to know what you really think."
-- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs

2023-12-16 16:00:02 UTC

The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton

2023-12-16 15:47:49 UTC

Boo! Goes the Christmas Ghost!

2023-12-16 15:30:02 UTC

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

2023-12-16 15:00:02 UTC

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
AWAKE! AWAKE!
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

2023-12-16 14:30:03 UTC

You will be successful in love.

2023-12-16 14:00:02 UTC

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

2023-12-16 13:30:02 UTC

You are capable of planning your future.

2023-12-16 13:00:03 UTC

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

2023-12-16 12:30:02 UTC

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

2023-12-16 12:00:02 UTC

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!

2023-12-16 11:30:02 UTC

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"

2023-12-16 11:00:02 UTC

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal

2023-12-16 10:30:02 UTC

There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.

2023-12-16 10:00:02 UTC

Talkers are no good doers.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

2023-12-16 09:00:02 UTC

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

2023-12-16 08:30:02 UTC

Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.

2023-12-16 08:00:02 UTC

Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

2023-12-16 07:30:02 UTC

Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.

2023-12-16 07:00:02 UTC

Be careful! Is it classified?

2023-12-16 06:30:02 UTC

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A: A failure.

2023-12-16 06:00:02 UTC

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.

2023-12-16 05:30:02 UTC

Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

2023-12-16 05:00:02 UTC

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

2023-12-16 04:30:02 UTC

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
-- Mark Twain

2023-12-16 04:00:03 UTC

You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.

2023-12-16 03:30:02 UTC

You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.

2023-12-16 03:00:02 UTC

Let me take you a button-hole lower.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"

2023-12-16 02:30:02 UTC

Advancement in position.

2023-12-16 02:00:03 UTC

Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.

2023-12-16 01:30:02 UTC

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"

2023-12-16 01:00:02 UTC

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

2023-12-16 00:30:02 UTC

Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
A: Lawn Boy.

2023-12-16 00:00:02 UTC

Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band.

2023-12-15 23:30:02 UTC

Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
A: To get to the middle.

2023-12-15 22:30:02 UTC

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

2023-12-15 22:00:03 UTC

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

2023-12-15 21:30:03 UTC

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
-- Mark Twain

2023-12-15 21:00:02 UTC

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

2023-12-15 20:30:02 UTC

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.

2023-12-15 19:30:02 UTC

Be cheerful while you are alive.
-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.

2023-12-15 19:00:03 UTC

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

2023-12-15 18:30:02 UTC

You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.

2023-12-15 18:00:02 UTC

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!

2023-12-15 17:30:03 UTC

Your domestic life may be harmonious.

2023-12-15 16:30:03 UTC

You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.

2023-12-15 16:00:03 UTC

You will get what you deserve.

2023-12-15 15:30:02 UTC

Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.

2023-12-15 15:00:02 UTC

Q: What is purple and commutes?
A: An Abelian grape.

2023-12-15 14:30:02 UTC

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"

2023-12-15 14:00:02 UTC

You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.

2023-12-15 13:30:03 UTC

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"